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Hi everyone. I am new to this and I figured someone here could help me. I've gone o a few Al-anon meetings but wasn't real crazy about it. But my husband has recently joined AA( 2 months ago) He has relapsed once. He blames me b/c of a fight we had. I am excited that for the first time I have hope for him. This program ssems to be a blessing. He really lieks it. However, these meetings interfere with our time togther as well as my relaxation time. I have a son who is 2. When my husband ets home from work, he helps out so I can relax. But now he comes home, eats dinner, and then leaves. Then he drives 35 min. to his favorite meeting. Then afterwards he has coffee and then drives 35 min back home. What about me? Then when he does get home he has to call atleast 2 people from his group other than his sponsor. This usually takes another hour of time. He is attempting the 90 in 90. Meanwhile, I feel like I am the one who is getting neglectyed and is doing all the work with our son. I am also 5 months pregnant. I am moody, emotional, and needy, not to mention hungry. I feel like I am toally forgotten. I have been having to schedule time with my husband just to rent a movie and watch it together. When he comes home from his meetings, he trys to psychoanalyze me. "Tonights meeting was about controlling your anger, you would have benefited from that," he says. I told him AA was about him not me, I do not have a drinking problem. I asked him to accompany me to my ultrasound next week, we are going to find out if its a boy or a girl. He said he can't miss his meeting. Are you supposed to put AA before everything in your life? I feel very hurt and resentful. I am glad he is in the program but he is not making all of the necessary adjustments to keep our family life happy.Am I being selfish?
Welcome to MIP and Al-Anon. What you are feeling is completely natural and I can only imagine that being pregnant and having a 2 year old makes it even that much more difficult.
One of the first things that I learned in this program is that I did not cause my AH's disease, I could not control it and I could not cure it. You did not cause him to drink--his relapse was his relapse. He chose to drink. Period.
Early sobriety is a very difficult time. When my AH got sober I thought that he would be"normal" and that he would want to pay attention to me to make up for all of the things he had done while he was drinking. Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
When my AH got sober, he had to figure out how to live life that way--something he hadn't done in 15+ years. The first 9 months he was very "dry." He went to AA, but he didn't have a sponsor and wasn't really working a program. When he finally embraced the program, and started doing the work, he started to change. But, it takes time--progress not perfection is the key to recovery.
Just as importantly, I started to work on my own recovery--got a sponsor and started working my Al-Anon program and starting changing how I related to my AH. And guess, what?? Things sharted to change and our relationship changed in a good way...slowly, one day at a time.
Your husband is very early in his sobriety--it sounds like he is taking your inventory instead of focusing on his own. I don't think that is unusual, but you will have to learn how to detach with love from him and draw boundaries for behavior that you are willing to live with. You can't make him do anything--you can only decide for yourself what you will accept from him.
I would caution you on one point though--I understand that you are frustrated and lonely and hopefully you will find the support from other Al-Anoners, family and friends, that you are not getting from him right now. He is all about AA now and that may be what he needs to stay sober. At some point, if he stays with the program, hopefully he will find some balance between AA and the rest of his life. But for right now, the bottom line is this--would you rather that he be sober and attending AA meetings or drunk?? Only you can answer that.
Keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
welcome frannie. I hope we can help you to learn in alanon. It is the best thing you can do for your family.
More families stay together when both spouses go to a twelve step program.
Your husband is an addict. No different than if he had cancer. How would you feel if he was going to chemo every day? Sobriety has to be first. Going to meetings also helps him to change the other symptoms of being an addict. The fact he is doing the ninety in ninety is wonderful.
Hon I know it is hard, I know, however, your husband or AH is VERY sick. This is a disease that will get worse as they continue to use. The disease cannot be cured. Everytime he uses he destroys part of his body.
If he does not go to meetings, he does not have a chance. What he is learning will literally "save his life."
My husband was twenty seven when he got drunk and ran over We had two babies. I would have given anything to have him going to meetings every day night, whatever.
We can only change ourselves. We cannot control others. So in alanon we learn to stop focusing on what they do, and concentrate on our own lives, kids, home, etc.
I will tell you as I have told others, it is my belief if a person is married to an A, or someone with another disease, put money away in your name only. Don't depend on them for anything. Don't put your name and his on anything. I am talking your home, car, etc. He is very sick, he can and will relapse as it is part of being an addict. He may be clean five min. or five years and relapse.
If he uses he will get very sick. We must be able to take care of ourselves and family.I believe everyone should have a plan just in case they lose their mate. Brain tumors happen, cancer happens, with aism things will happen.
As gets more mature in AA, he will learn not to blame anyone for his using. Did you put a funnel in his mouth and force it in? There is NOTHING you could do to make him use. nothing. YOU cannot change anything, I mean keep the house cleaner, get rid of the dog, be nicer whatever. It won't matter. he has a disease and AA skills will help him to get on a path of recovery.
He will need a plan of recovery made just for him.
I am sorry you feel left out. I wish we learned about alcoholism in school. If I knew what I know now, I would never have married an addict, I sure would not have had kids.
Hope you will keep coming back. Books, One day at a time, courage to change, Getting The sober, all great books for us.
You may not be an addict, but you are married to one .The person married to the A and the kids, everyone around him or her will get sick from the A's disease.
I know it is hard to take all this in. Alanon could save you and your precious baby and baby to come. I hope you will cont. to come here. The skills you can learn will stop so many obstacles that will come up.
hugs and love,debilyn eight years of alanon and so grateful
Hello Frannie , get yourself back to al anon quick , u need support , as your finding out sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems . Every one has to change not just the alcoholic . AA is his lifeline right now they are keeping him sober , support his efforts and enjoy the few min u have with him each day , he is sober . and even if it is a 20 min coffee break for now it has to be enough . Remember the worst day of his drinking and enjoy the good days . For me the best way to support them is to get my own program , and mind my own business . I had a part in the mess too and Al-Anon helps me not to repeat the same things again . Please go back to meetings for your self listen to the similarities not the differences . good luck Louise
Your husband is doing what is necessary to stay sober. I know how lonely and frustrated you are feeling right now. Is it possible for you to hire someone to come over for periods of time during the week, so you can have a break and do things for yourself? Please get to Alanon meetings for support. Living with an alcoholic can make you very sick, so please reach out in Alanon. I wound up in a hospital after living with an alcoholic. The nurse handed me a pamphlet on Domestic Violence the day I was discharged. I had no bruises or physical trauma, so I couldn't figure out what they were talking about until I started going to Alanon. Please get to some meetings as soon as possible.
You are not alone, it is commom for many couples to go through this and your feelings are valid. His sobriety has to be the priority in his life and come above everything else, which unfortunately includes you. The AA book and many of our Al-Anon literature address these changes and how the partner not in AA starts to get resentful of the As new found passion. The good news is - he is not drinking!
I've found much peace by working my own program of Al-Anon, it is a blessing and I have learned how to take care of myself and my feelings. If you feel overwhelmed and no time to relax, perhaps you can get a baby sitter in and have some time for yourself?
You are not alone, the change of early recovery is rough- the rules and the dynamics change. Just remember to take care of yourself first and keep writing. Al-Anon daily reading also is helpful as well as connecting with others who are going through what you are going through. Hug to you, Twinkie
I so understand your pain. You are so lonely and with a new baby on the way, you are tired and your emotions are raw. I remember well. My A was still using when I was pregnant with my now 18 month old boy. I had to make him leave for most of the summer, because of the stress that he caused. I had gone to the dentist and needed an xray, but the dentist did not want to because I was 2 months along. However he said that if the tooth started hurting, I should get right in and have it done anyway. He said that the stress from cronic pain was much worse for the baby than an xray. I thought about that on the way home. It was an eye opener, because believe me, I would have rather had a toothache any day compared to the pain and stress that my A was causing. A week later I kicked him out. I went through most of that pregnancy alone. Even after he came back home. He was still struggling to even get sober.
This is long, I'm sorry. I guess my point is that you can do this. You do not have to have him to support you. I know you feel he should, but the reality is that he can not. You need to find your own support and alanon will help you deal with the feelings of being abandoned and neglected.
We are here for you. We understand. Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you everyone for all of your support. I am thinking og going to a meeting soon, I was going to find one with childcare but my son is real cautious of strangers. I just need to talk to someone about this that understands. I do want him to stay sober. I really do have faith in the program. I just feeling like he is not making any adjustments for me.
Welcome to the MIP family. I can't add much here to the previous replies. But right he can't make any adjustments to you because he's still adjusting to his new way of life. Frankly it's too much for the A. My AH just recently relapsed after a year of sobriety. I can tell you, if it hadn't been for this program, my old reactions would have kicked in. Now I am far more calm and serene. I don't know how long this relapse will last. I'm pretty sure that he hasn't drank today and for that I am grateful. I never take his sobriety for granted. But I have learned to detach with love (one of the best tools of Alanon) and turn him over to his HP. I can only hope and pray that he finds his way back. If not, he'll die. But I can't make him do it. He has to want it and be ready for it. So I don't know what the future holds. But I would prefer to be lonely because he's at AA rather than passed out drunk or dead. Take good care of you and your children. Let us know if it's a boy or a girl.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
