so, Mom abruptly decided that she was going to come into Dayton this weekend. And of course my flags go up. I'm feeling like, "Lady, does nothing I say in the way of boundries resonate with you? What is it going to take for you to truly 'get it' that I'm not the door mat I used to be?" So I took a monster risk: I told her how I felt. Now, as I'm sure many of us know, with anyone who is active, being open and direct is mostly about us, not them; after all, living with alcholism is a minefield it seems period, and living the program is for us, and, miraculously, it worked!  
Me: "Mom, when you abruptly change plans and just come into dayton like this, it makes me feel like you're not listening. I've asked you over and over to give me two weeks notice about you coming into town, and again you've given me less than a week notice, and I've already got pre-existing plans, which means that I can't honor your request to meet you."
Mom: "Well, it's not that I'm not listening, it's that I didn't think it would matter to you to share the details about how our plans changed. We were supposed to have company, and our company canceled, so we decided to come to Dayton. John thought I should tell you, but I didn't think you would care."
Me: "Mom! That makes a huge difference! I care alot about how things work and that makes me feel ALOT better! ALOT!"
 So, guilt free, I explain that I will do everything I can to meet up with her, but I cannot promise to honor her plans. The week goes on, and my car begins to quit--it's burning oil like it's going outta style.  I cancel my weekend plans, since they involve massive amounts of weekend driving around the state, and call mom. Plans have changed, I express; I will be availible, but will be using the weekend I took off from work to do research. If we can, lets firm up our plans.  Sounds good, says my step dad, we can do that. We'll call you when we get into town.
 This morning, I get a call from mom--call me, I need to talk to you. Turns out she has a TV for me. For free.  Flags up. Again. Okay, why now, and what are the strings attached? I wait 20 minutes, like they said they would be, and no show. I begin walking the area, and can't find their car. Ok, I sigh. This is a pattern with mom. I'm not gonna wait all day by the phone  or waste my day when I've got research papers to take care of waiting on a TV which'll inevitably have strings attached for mom to show up whenever, if she does at all (yes, new comers, my mom plays the "oh, I should have called you...my plans changed" game, or the "oh...I forgot about that" broken promises thing) so I buy some gatorade and hit the gym. I do extra reps because I'm pissed.  I do extra stretches so I can walk when it's all said and done. I take extra time on me
  And then I get home. And this is where the boundries thing comes in.  Apparently, not only had mom and John been there, we had been there at the same time, and literally missed each other by a door way. Talk about a break down in communication!  Listening to mom drone on dramatically and emotionally, it sounded like the whole of the apartment was looking for me--and she was pissed! So finally I say "It sounds like there was a break down in communication. I'm sorry we missed each other [I say this 3x] What do you want me to say to make it better?" Finally, indignant and hugely pissed, she says "I can't talk anymore, It's just hugely rude what you did to me. " (The irony is not lost on me here.)
  Lucky for me--I think this was God at work--some of my neighbors show up at * just that minute!* Yes, mom and John were there. But there was no drama, no huge apartment on the hunt for me. Just mom and John knocking on a couple of doors, looking. "They seemed concerned if you were okay," one of the mother's said, shrugging. One of my smoker buddies said, agreeing, "Yeah, they were just wondering if you were okay, and we said we were pretty sure you were"
 So, here I am, sharing with you all, new comer and returning veteran how boundries have given me the courage to 1) directly share with my mom "you're stepping on my boundries!" and 2) "Mom, I'm not gonna lick your boots because you feel humiliated in front of college kids!"
 Think this might be a bad time to tell them about the tatoo?