Very painful topic for me....I can still remember all the times I tried to engage my exA ...sober or not....in discussions concerning the future, near or far. I always got...I can't promise how I'll feel tomorrow....or then when sober....I have to take this one day at a time. Since I didn't let myself get really angry back then, I usually was just left sad,disappointed and disoriented...because his logic and mine did not connect and I was left doubting myself/reality....all the while knowing in my gut THIS IS VERY WRONG. I started seing how I could count on anyone more than him...and how wrong that was in a "relationship". I question now how much of a true relationship can one have with an addict.....they are not able to really be there...they are so self centered. And I would always respond by loosing my own center. Bad combination.

Being gentle and nonjudgemental with the truth was what worked for me.
Once I was able to, saying it outloud to a supportive person helped to.

Good work trying to detach....for me the fake it till ya make it didn't tkae long to help me see how much better I felt when detached.

With love, Fifi

If the A is active, then the simple answer is "no, it doesn't work".  Mainly, because there is a hidden agenda.  You want a happy marriage, emotional closeness, trust, all of that.  He probably wants that too, but what he NEEDS (or thinks he does) is to continue drinking.  So, he will either be non responsive, or will say anything just to shut you up so he can go on doing what he is doing.  Marriage to an active A cannot be a true partnership, because a large part of him is not invested in the marriage, but in the addiction. 

Once I realized that my husband was not playing by the same rules that I was, so much of his inexplicable behaviour became clear.  He loved me and the kids, did not want to lose us. However, he felt he had to protect his addiction - I believe he literally could not imagine a world where he did not drink and use drugs. Imagine if a loved one said to you "If you want me in your life, you will need to stop breathing."  Your answer would probably be something like what you are getting from your A "Why can't we just keep things the way they are?"

Alcoholics live in denial.  They have to - it is the only way to stand the contradictions of their lives.  You can't force him to stop denying. You can stop it yourself, though - as you say, you can't go back.  You can look at who he IS, and decide - with the help and support of all the goods things in your life, do you get enough so that you can choose to continue having him in your life?  Is it better with him or without him?  The man you really have, not the one you used to have, not the one you sometimes glimpse in him, not the one you want and wonder if you can force him to become.

At one point in my life, my husband was quite abusive when drunk.  I was coming to a realization that I could no longer live with this, and started making my plans to leave.  For various reasons, and with a small miracle, both of us changed enough of our behaviour so that the abuse stopped.  This did not mean that he got better, however. It just meant that things changed.  He stopped drinking so heavily, and instead dove deeper into his drug addiction.  He became a sad, and to my mind quite obviously mentally ill, man.  Still, without the abuse, we were able to come up with a life that was OK, and even quite often pretty happy.  Our kids had a stable home, and parents who, while not terribly close, obviously cared for one another. That was more or less enough for me - I had other outlets.  It was not enough for my husband; he got sicker and sicker, eventually hit bottom, sobered up, and started to get better.

My story will not be yours - what you need from a marriage and what I need are probably not the same.  My point is, though, that the outside idea of what a marriage SHOULD look like does not have to enter into your choices.  What is important are YOUR needs,  and how they can be healthily met, given the reality of the marriage you really have.  Or, if necessary, accepting that they cannot be met, and moving on.

Thank you all so much for such good information and support.

I think you have to try things a little to really believe that it is what it is.

Then your words help me to understand even more what you have found to happen so it helps that I don't feel alone and misunderstood.  There are others who are like me and I am not crazy, I am getting better.  The process often times hurts but the faith & hope that it could get better helps us to stick a toe out and take another teeny tiny baby step even when we are sad.

I feel lkie I could have fallen flat and slid backwards alot but you have held me up when I felt anger, fear and pain.  Thank you lin, Bill & fifi for all you have done.