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Well about less than 2weeks ago i thought i had this detachment thing FINALLY figured out. After 13 years of dealing with AH, i thought "wow i'm finally taking care of myself. and to the extent I still am. But it's so hard. I was started to see a change in him as well. But of course that was too good to be true. Not the first time, so i guess i should have known better. I'm just so frusterated about all of it. And now that I'm working full time I'm sooooo overwhelmed with everything. Keeping the house in order, taking care of the kids and everything else that a mother does everyday of her life!! He has helped me out a great deal at home for the most part. But I'm still sooooo angry with him. He thinks cause he is helping that I should be ok with everything. I'm NOT!! He went 2 weeks without drinking Yee pee! Then of course everything little by little started to back to the way things normally are. But tonight he really upset me. We had another couple over and we were all talking about me working and how things will take awhile to get used to. Anyhow lunches were mention. At work we all take turns buying lunch, Which I guess I can see his point about me not making that much and I should be making my own lunches. I understand that but it was they he said that really pissed me off. He starts talking about how I just like to waste money. He's always talking about how I waste money. Well i went off in front of our friends, I know i shouldn't have and just kept my mouth shut but after weeks of not saying anything, i just couldn't control it. I just came out and said "waste money? You spend your money on this crap! (he had a beer in his hand) He made some kinda comment about how he works hard everyday and he earns it. I was like WHAT???????? I just kept my mouth shut after that. After all these years staying home with our children, taking care of EVERYTHING don't I deserve something???? I'm sorry guys...just blabbing. Thanks for listening.
This disease is a progressive disease. It will feed him what it wants to get the alcohol. He works hard. He deserves his beer. You take away from the disease. It wants you too. It want you miserable so you do not get in the way.
While he is active, he cannot give you the recognition you deserve. Focus on getting yourself better, stronger and happier. You are doing a great job. Getting back in the work force, arranging for the children ect. is not easy. Do not let him drag you down, you deserve to be happy.
Hey ...it is fine to vent here! I have sure appreciated being able to. I am a working single mom of two little kids and I know how impossible it can seem to get it all done. I keep reminding myself when I reach my breaking point throughout the day that this too shall pass....a moment of stress can change into a moment of bliss.....the kids are fighting and then suddenly we are all happily coexisting and I am so grateful for the roof over our heads and the love we share. Great work tho.....you are doing it...working,living your life, taking care of you....here in recovery. With detachment, it seems like one step forward two steps back sometimes. Congratulations for the distance you have come and wishing you strength and hope for the continued successes you will have. This is not easy! Hang in there, Fifi
Fifi is right Silvana . . . you are still progressing forward in YOUR life, making positive changes, detatching, etc. Your A is regressing and getting WORSE while he continues to drink.
There's no arguing with the disease. It is always right b/c the logic it uses isn't logic, it's lies and justifications the alcoholic has fooled himself with. They don't have to fool you or anyone else. And you are doing a great job with that.
Great job and progress on your part aside . . . it HURTS like hell to be with an active drinker or addict. There's no way around that. It is terrible, a rollercoaster of negative emotions and what do you get in return? More bullcrap. That's alcoholism.
Believe it or not, you WILL feel better, YOU, when you accept this as a fact. It's not a choice between feeling horrible or feeling great . . . it's a choice between horrible and less horrible. But still it's a choice worth making.
When my exA was still in the home raising hell, the choice to detatch from him and work my program saved my life. It kept me from going to hell along with him. There were no fireworks, but there were many moments where I felt peace no matter what he did. Those moments of peace gave me the clarity to make some tough decisions for myself, and then they gave me the strength to save myself no matter what happened to him.
No one wants to make these kinds of decisions but that's where we are. It is worth the effort you are putting forth. You will see that. Keep going, girl. You aren't alone. Kim :)
Detachment is not easy at all. I have detached from my A, but I do still live with him and I do act as you did. I do make myself happy, I do not depend on him for anything. I have learned to not have any expectations when it comes to him, and I do take everything with a grain of salt that he says, because of the lies, the continuous lies that never stop, and all the " I don't knows". He always tells me I waste money and always has. He blames all of our money problems on me. He is the one who receives money from his jobs and I do not see him till his wallet is empty and he spent all of the money on drugs. I shop at thrift stores, only buy sale/clearence items. I worry so much about money and not having things/food for our children all the time. This hasn't happened, but I still fear it. He doesn't even know any of this because he is never home and when he is, he is sleeping and we don't speak that much. He always tries to put me down, espcially when people are around, but that is what they do.... They are the ones that are doing it, but they try to redirect the blame on us, so they do not look so bad and it isn't their fault. By doing what you did and defending yourself doesn't mean that you are not detacting, actually you are detaching and you are just proving it. We will all fall and take steps back in our own progress, but we are human, we all do it. It is progress and not perfection. Keep up the good work, it sounds like you are doing good for yourself and remember, YOU are most important and YOU come first and if you want to buy lunch for others, BUY IT !!!!!! You are living your life, and our A's do not like it when we change and detach. Prayers and hugs, Kim
The others are right, Hon. You are doing great taking care of yourself. You and your A did not get this sick in a couple of weeks and you will not get all better in 2 weeks. A few weeks or even months is nothing. This recovery process is a lifetime endeavor and you are just getting started. You have made good progress, and that is what counts. Be careful not to work the program for him, to get him sober. Your heart has to be in the right place, focused on you, for this to work.
It is good that you stood up for yourself. You don't like the way you did it, so think about how to do it more appropriately next time. I don't mean how you could have lashed him back. I mean like just letting him know that you feel hurt when he says stuff like that because you are just doing your best like he is. Also that you would like him to refrain from saying mean things about you to others. A simple direct request without emotion will help you keep your dignity.
These are just suggestions. I have been having a hard time with this kind of thing myself lately. I got very upset over something my A did yesterday and did not handle it well either. So you know you are not alone.
Thank you for posting your feelings. Talking about it makes it a little clearer for me how I would like to handle this when it comes up again.
Hope you have a better day today.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
