The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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Okay, so I'm reading my books and trying to not be codependent and trying to detach, but it's really hard. The last 3 weeks have been hell. I have a lot a patience but it's wearing thin. Trying to detach when on our days off he goes to the liquor store 3 times a day to get drunk, as I will not have any alcohol in my place. (so of course he hides it elsewhere which I can do nothing about).
That's fine, I go and I read or go for a walk but it's so hard not worrying if he's going to drop his cigarette on the balcony outside and catch it on fire. There are already burn marks from where he's dropped them before because he gets so drunk he passes out. Okay, Detach, Detach, Detach, right?
So he goes to bed this morning after he gets drunk, because he has to go back to work tonight at 9pm. I get a call from one of my friends, she wants to hang out. I say, sure that would be great. I refuse to sit here and wallow in my own self pity, I'm going to start having fun again and being happy.
We go out and we go shopping, have lunch and get our nails done(I haven't had my nails done in forever). It was so much fun hanging out and being girly girls and talking. I come home in the best mood to find my AH on the phone with his mom because he didn't know where I was. Keep in mind I've threatened him with divorce and leaving him a couple weeks ago, which is not good, because I did not follow through. I didn't leave a note like I usually do cause I didn't expect him to wake up anyways. He thought I left him, and he was scared, blah blah blah....
So, he's still drunk, went to bed and has to get up in 4 hrs to go to work. Okay, I'm detaching and I am not going to wake him up, if he doesn't get up by his alarm clock. I will not call in for him, and I will not worry about the consequences of his actions if he doen't go to work. That's good right? Ya, it is, I'm doing good.
But, you know what really sucks? We work at the same place, and if he does a no-call, no-show then guess what I have to deal with tomorrow? Managment asking me where my husband was and why he didn't call in. So, I've thought about it, and my answer will be, "That's something you'll have to ask him".
I just hate it when it's so out of control like this, because I'm trying to detach and stay on track, but sometimes it is so difficult. But, I know it's not my fault, and there's nothing I can do to help or change anything in this situation except focus on me.
We'll see how this goes. Apart of me is happy that I know what to do, but I part of me is scared for the morning when he wakes up at 2am and realizes that he missed work. But, I need to sleep tonight so I can function at work tomorrow. See? I can't stop worrying..... So, here it is..... for myself......."Let go, and let God"
I'm going to go now and read and relax. As always, thank you for listening, I got it all out now. Chris.
You got it right when you said "I'm going to start having fun again and being happy. " That's the one thing that really helped me to learn detachment. The more you find to do, the easier it is. Even if it's mental fun, the focus is off of him.
Your answer for management in case he misses work is right on. It allows you to stay un involved or take on his stuff.
Your doing great!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
hi, in my experience, I do. I don't try, It works.
In your post I see someone putting roadblocks in their own head, or negative talk. Of course you are "worrying." It was said, "I cannot stop worrying." So of course you will worry.
My gma taught me, don't say worry, say concerned. Worry is wasted time, has no hope. Concern is caring and hoping for the best or finding options.
You are doing so awesome!!!!!! Keep working at it. It feels "weird" or "different" at first when we begin to take care of ourselves. This disease wants to pull us back into our enabling. Keep on, keepin' on.
Also, you are allowing your A "the dignity of making his own mistakes." That's really good even if it doesn't feel right or make sense at the moment. He's going to get sober with or without you. He's going to stay an A with or without you. So give him the dignity of living his own life.
Your response to management is perfect!!! It's nicely said and it's truthful.
Way to go, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You're doing great. Your response to management is perfect.
Debilyn- Great reply. I'm going to keep in mind to be concerned and not worry. Your Grandma sounds cool.
Sleep well.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
forgive me, I just realized my kitten sent my post and it was not finished!!
I wanted to say the fact you are thinking of this stuff and doing is fantastic. That is how I learned. After awhile it will come naturally.I love it when I read a share that expresses so well. YES it is hard to disengage when we know how dangerous their behavior is.
Sooo glad you went out and had fun. I hope his disease did not ruin it for you. now detaching for me is loving the A but hating the disease.
Becoming aware of what changes need to be done is major. thank you so much for sharing! love,debilyn
The funny thing about al anon is that it tells us to do things that don't feel like the kind, common sense thing to do. If we trust in the knowledge of the program and ignore our inner voice, we begin to see miracles. Just like an A in recovery can't rely on his own thinking to fix himself, sometimes we can't either.
It sounds to me like you are doing everything right and simply experiencing the discomfort of not doing the same old thing. Good for you! When I finally completely detached and stopped cutting my AH's binges short by freaking out on him, threatening to leave, or cleaning up his messes, he began to come to his senses on his own and realize the life he was living was no life at all. He now has 19 days and 18 meetings in a row...for the first since rehab 2 years ago. The biggest benefit is the I found peace in knowing that it is not my job to be his HP, he has his own and so do I.
I realize I'm new to this but along with detaching isn't it allowed that we also set boundaries that come with consequences. It seems to me that if he has an issue with passing out and possibly burning the place down, either he should not smoke at home, or not be home if he is drunk. I realize that you must detach, but I also think that you need to have some rules. Along with that comes the responsibility of following through. I guess that's part of it, you have to be ready to enforce the consequences. When I did the intervention with my daughter and her friend, the counselor gave us all options. At this time, my daughter was not allowed at our home as she was using regularly, living the life and living it in her car. It was not pretty. Prior to this she had started to bring her "friends" into the house while we weren't there so they could shower. My guess is they had long since lost a stable residence. One day she brought this homeless person to our house in the evening, while we were sitting right there, so he could shower. She had to go then. At any rate, the counselor gave us many tools and a bunch of pee test strips so that if she really needed a warm place and a shower, all she had to do was be clean. He was the beginning of my learning how to set and enforce consequences and boundaries. After she got clean I didn't realize that I would still be fighting this battle some almost 2 years later. It's all truly easier said than done.
I would agree it is tremendously hard. I have to work overtime not to be overinvolved in the A's life. To sum it up I'm almost 6 months out of separaing from the A and i'm still invovled. I do not see hm regularly but we had a hell of alot of stuff to sort out. I am still sorting it out. I am still working on what comes next. I take it one day at a time. I got real clear this week that I can't have him stay with me. He is too destructive. I think it took me like 3 years to get here. i think we work up to stuff.
The A I've been with has a supsended license (he is a reckless driver) does that stop him driving. some. i take no responsbility for it anymore. I do konw I dont' want to be with him in a car anymore. The effect on my nerves is too much.
I am glad you can take care of yourself. I isolated myself into paralysis. Without this room I would be a goner.
I think detaching is the hardest part when you're in the middle of it all. We get so used to being their mommies and it's so hard to let that baby fall down and figure things out on his own. It sounds like you're doing great. I would continue with the having fun and hanging out with friends. I didn't have any friends when I left my a because of the extreme isolation and the fact that he WAS my only friend! Yesterday I went out with a new friend and ate out and went shopping and swimming and had a BLAST! I forgot what it was like to socialize with regular people, I miss it.
