The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was invited by another Alanon member to attend a lecture on Alcoholism. The topic of trust was discussed and how important trust is in a relationship. A guy I started dating told me twice he would call me the next day and didn't. I went from feeling angry to feeling betrayed to feeling very hurt. I started telling myself I was being too needy. Then the angry part said, "No! He is breaking trust. It is the most important thing in a relationship and which a relationship is built upon. He has violated your trust. Proceed with caution!" My head was saying to end the relationship and my heart was saying to forgive and let it go. I could not let it go. Then he called me one night and talked incessantly about himself. He did not ask ONE question about me. This told me everything I did not want to hear. I wanted to go into denial so badly, but I know how painful the after effects of denial can be. I noticed that I was filling all his needs and neglecting my own because I really wanted a relationship to work. I listened carefully to his stories of his two ex wives and how he blamed them for not accepting him for who he was. I can understand that feeling of just wanting to be yourself and someone loving you for yourself, BUT he was not looking at his own stuff. It takes TWO to tango. I finally gathered the courage to tell him that I wanted a boyfriend who wasn't so distant. There was too much distance between us to have a healthy relationship, not to mention the lack of trust on my part. I like having my own time, my own hobbies, my own friends. I am not expecting to spend every waking moment with someone; however, no time spent together is not enough for me. Not getting any of my needs met is not good enough for me. He told me he is afraid of being alone for the rest of his life. He is not seeing how he is contributing to his own fears. He is stuck in that he wants it all his way or it's the highway. He is looking at me with eyes from his past. I feel very sad after I ended something that I had much hope for. I could not continue by creating an illusion that it would be a 2 way street with us. I can no longer sacrifice my own needs. I can no longer be a victim. I can no longer be a martyr. If I stayed, that's what I would have done to myself. Today I will grieve and tell myself that it's okay to cry. When my mind starts telling me that he may come back, I will gently tell myself that it is not true and I am sorry I feel hurt. Then I will take pen in hand and write on the top of my list of what is important to me and realize I gave it to myself by letting go. Because now I trust in myself to know when to let go of someone who is not trustworthy.
that sounds like such growth. I am almost jealous of where you are. It is very hard to let go of something we want so much. It is wonderful that you can see what happens to you when you let yourself get into denial.
WOW, Great post! Thanks for sharing your courage with us. That is a sure example of the courage to change the things we can. Notice it said can and not that are easy. I admire your strength to deny yourself now in order to avoid the inevitable pain in the future. I also admire the fact that you were able to analyze this, recognize all these things and walk away before it got even harder. Don't worry, as they say there are other fish in the sea!
What a great post. Growth and change are not easy but will reward you in the long run. It is wonderful to be able to trust our own judgement that we know when to say enough is enough.
Keep up the good work.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
