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I was thinking the other day about how wonderful new love is when you first find that love and there's that energy and nothing but loving words. I remember at our wedding ceremony the guy saying the paper isn't what is important it's the words that you say to eachother. Always use loving words, etc. I remember thinking then that an unkind word would never come out of our mouths, we were sooooo in love. Then yesterday I was talking to my daughter's math teacher who is getting married this month and thinking in the back of my head poor woman, ya it all seems good now but it ALWAYS goes downhill. Jaded, I know. Last week I was talking to a young coworker who got married at 18 and she was telling me about how angry she gets about the way her husband talks to her. It made me angry hearing about it and neither one of them have drug/alc issues.
So anyway, I started thinking, what is it that makes us begin to take people for granted? Why do we start talking to eachother in nasty tones and with unkind words once we become "comfortable" around them? I see it in my daughters, those sisters are nastier to eachother than arch enemies. I remember the many many unkind words and actions that had been committed against me and I have said more than my fair share of unkind words to my exes and my kids.
Just wondering if there are people out there who never say an unkind word to eachother. I always considered my mother to be saintlike, and even she has said hateful mean hurtful things to me on occasion. Any thoughts on our words and why the decline over time?
I don't know. I would be happy just feeling that new love feeling. I don't know as I have ever felt it. Except with the kids. And even with my overwhelming love for them I still am mean and hurtful towards them unintentionally. I don't know if it's just part of being a human or a build up that overflows sometimes. I have never met anyone who is constanly kind, especially to those they love the most. Maybe we feel that we are safe in being our total selves with those we love the most because they will not leave despite our flaws? Or we push and test those who say they love us to see how much the really do? Or maybe we are just imperfect human beings. It has taken me a long time to join the human race and sometimes I am still surprised that I am not above it all as I am so saintlike at times. LOL! It is a good question and I hope I will have time to ponder it more when I am done obsessing about the things I cannot change.
I've thought about this a lot too, since I am in a new relationship. I try really hard to appreciate every little moment and to not take anything for granted. I think it's something that you both really have to consciously work at all the time.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I think it's something that you both really have to consciously work at all the time.
I agree with this - I believe it is something that you have to decide to do - not something that comes natural - to remember to be "nice" to one another - to fight fair - no "name calling" and to try to remember to treat each other with respect.
boy this is tough - especially when you are tired, stressed or aggravated - but when I do remember to do this - I know I feel better about myself because not only am I treating my AH with respect and courtesy, but I am treating myself with respect too.
Wish I could say I did it all the time - but Progress not Perfection - right?
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know. I usually say what I mean and mean what I say. I don't talk about people behind their backs. I'll tell them what I think. Brutally honest. My children are also not old enough (7,6,6) to where they argue with each other. My sister and brothers never aruge with each other either, we'd get our butt tore up if we did...plus even at a young age I knew that family was important. Southern thing for us. Blood is thicker then water and you just don't talk like that about or to family. If by chance we do get mad then we talk it out, after we don't speak for a few days. lol Alot of people marry because they are infactuated or in "lust". I married my friend. We would still get along if he had quit drinking. The drinking has taken the man that I fell in love with over the years. His looks are gone, his attitude sucks and he's just miserable. I am fine with being in a relationship where I don't get butterfly's as long as we could talk and laugh together.
Yah, this gets to me alot. Raised my kids on the golden rule of treat others how you want to be treated, turn the other cheek etc. When my daughter was 3, I became ashamed of the female gender for their use of words that do hurt just as much & sometimes more than broken bones. Sarcasm in teens now though the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree (their parents) seems to be a result of self protection of all the negative and scarey things happening these days or at least our abiity to know of every bit of negative news.
Now I've learned from my kids that the golden rule works for young children sometimes but makes you a target, the sarcasm makes you become self protective and un approachable to get any positive reinforcement until you get this mess. I was jaded by the things that happened to my kids, things in hindsight when I wished I had stood up for them. I have to work hard at finding a balance of kindness without being trampled or insulted. I still believe in the golden rule, use honey not vinegar tones, & acts of kindness or it will all dissappear ......... and no one said answered prayers would be quick or easy!
Things like this from tenderheartsks' earlier post "a really powerful read" helps me to stay the course when it seems all are nasty, taking others for granted and such an increase of unkind words:
"Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale."
from Let Your Light Shine Bright By Clarissa Pinkola Estes author of Women Who Run with the Wolves.
Another thing that helps me is seeing the ongoing kindness to others in f2f meetings and this MIP family! I have never ever felt like I do with Al Anon that I am accepted to be me, who I am whether folks agree or not with me or think I'm whining or something. I am growing and changing with encouragement and ideas from others growing too rather than being labeled or judged as having flaws or blamed for things.
sincere, kind and encouraging hugs (-: from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
For me its all about codependency. I can love bomb as well as hate bomb pretty well and tha'ts core codepenency stuff. For me it was compulsive. Answer every need of the A then resent him for it. I've seen the woman who he is renting from at the moment do the same thing. I think personally its a horror show and would like to tell you that I don't do that but I have. Another issue for ms is giving away my power and not watching my boundaries. I have never watched them.. I watch them like a hawk now.
I can totally lose myself in being a couple and I feel for me that is part of hiding from life. I do not want to whow up I want to hide behind some A who is acting out and make him my project. I need my own projects my own goals. I work these days on being accountable to me and my recovery partners. I find it hard going.
For me, I realize that I had a combo of a lack of healthy boundaries, and unrealistic expectations. Without good boundaries we end up feeling hurt, used, and mistreated. When I feel hurt I tend to lash back. People who are closest to us, tend to be the most likely to step on our toes whether they mean to or not.
I have thought on this before and will again. Hope to here more opinions.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
