entitlement and kids - Al-Anon Family Group

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

entitlement and kids

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think they are born with it. I think they are taught it. I totally agree with the poem "Children learn what they live". Your children are products of what you taught them. They could have an alcoholic gene (which hasn't been proven yet) but whatever you teach them could curve that idea.
My husband was raised with the silver spoon and in social gatherings with alcohol. He's been drinking since he was 12. It was accepted. His dad STILL drinks but only one or two. His dad was a Dr. and his mother a concert pianist. They had three boy who they brought up and gave them everything damn thing they asked for. I know she thought she had their best interest at heart but it back fired. Luckily, his mother passed away and didn't get to see her son like this. She would have been very disappointed.
So it's up to us as mothers to teach our children, respect, self control, dignity. If we praise them at home they won't look for it somewhere else. When that alcoholic friend comes around they might not be so eager to want acceptance from them, they may think of home instead and know they have acceptance and importance there.
Sorry if I'm rambling. So my opinion is that we can teach them to stray from the way society thinks. We are the most powerful people in their lives. :)

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have wrangled with this too and I think that our involvement in their lives is the most important thing. I know I don't always have enough kind words for my kids (especially the 12 yo - 13 in 2 weeks) but I know where they are and what they are doing for the most part, I know their friends, I talk to them about drugs and alcohol and sex and anything else, I try to teach them what is important to me. I also have problems with the oldest who never says she's sorry, never accepts responsibility for anything she does and I think it's the age to be honest. My kids are used to disappointment and not having what ALL THE OTHER KIDS HAVE.... I hear that all the time mom everyone else has a cell phone... Anyway, I think that's just part of life. I agree that if we give them whatever they want now we are setting them up for serious disappointment later in life. If they know early on that if they want something they have to work for it and if they screw up there are consequences then I think they are better prepared for the reality of life. Just today I had to take my oldest to Walmart because she already lost her housekey and she paid for a new one. I told her too I should charge her for my time to take her up there too (jokingly). Yesterday she had to wait at a neighbor's house because she couldn't find the key. I know I'm not the best parent but I also know I'm getting better and I am much more consistent and paying a lot more attention than I was when I was with the A.

I know my A grew up in a family where mom was drunk and dad was a pothead and the kids were allowed to do whatever they wanted without any kind of reining in at all. Every one of his 5 brothers and sisters has a drug and/or alcohol problem. In my family, I was spolied but had two functional parents and I didn't develop drug/alcohol dependence. I know I had a hard time finally growing up - still working on it most times. I know it's because I had everything handed to me when I was younger. I think my kids appreciate things more than I did and understand having to work for what they want.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

I have come to think that "spoiled" has nothing at all to do with "things". I do believe it has to do with not giving a child what they need. Love, honesty,security, consistency. I have known people who had anything and everything they ever wanted and were still very kind, loving, generous and understanding and then there were those that never had a dime and they were the most selfish, unkind, and mean spirited people. The thing was not the "things" it was the availibility of the parents to be there for the kid. To be consistent. I, myself had neither extreme but much of both. I have many times been completly unavailable to my kids because of what I was going thru in my head and the inability to stop my head and pay attention to my kids. That is "spoiling" them. Just like food goes bad when it is not cared for. I strongly believe the nuture vs. nature argument as I was adopted. I was adopted into a dysfunctional, alcoholic home but I am not an A. When I recieved my non identifying info about my birth parents it said my maternal grandfather was an A. I put much more stock into how I was raised than into what is in my genes. This is my life to live, not something predestined by blood and cells. So, believeing that I have to feel that I have some power over how my kids turn out. I have to overcome my dysfunction, my backwards thinking to be able to give them a shot and so they know that I love them more than anything. I can tell them as I was told but it really is actions isn't it? How do I detatch when it comes to kids? It has been generations of putting the A first in my family. I want to change that. I have to an extent but it very hard. Harder than it should be. I don't know, I am at a loss. With my 12 year old and her inability to simply say sorry, it just seems like exactly how her father is. More and more of her "bad" behaviors are looking exactly like him. Down to the way she speaks to me when she is angry. I will not stand for that. But her snide comments and her acting as if I am the crazy one when she is caught in something she should not be doing. I see so much of her father's behaviors in her and it angers me and scares me. Is she an A, is she bi polar? Is there really anything I can do above and beyond what I am doing to prevent her from going down a horrible path and dragging the rest of us with her?

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I also have a bipolar in my family (dad) and have always been scared to death that I would turn into one or it would get one of my kids (as it is thought to be passed on the maternal side and skip a generation). I think there is a lot to be said for nature too. I know environment is important but I think genes are just as much so. I know out of 3 kids 2 are mostly kind and cuddly and one is rather cold and prickly and has been pretty much since birth. I don't really think there is anything "wrong" with them I just think they are all different people with different personalities and some of them blend better with mine than others. I fully understand now how children think that parents love one more than others (and it's never them LOL) It's because you have to deal with each personality differently. I think in my case I expect a LOT from my 12 year old (basically perfection) she is my babysitter, my best friend, my cleaning helper and I really don't praise her enough. I think a lot of oldest children get that and she acts like she's an adult most of the time - although lately she's acting more and more like a rebellious teenager. I guess I need to pick my battles better. How important is it? That's what I need to remind myself. I feel as long as she is not doing drugs, having sex and going to jail she's ok. I guess those are pretty low standards and mine are actually a LOT higher BUT I guess that's my bottom line. She is also a very loud complainer but I think deep down she knows she is loved and feels safe and those are the two most important things. They act like they don't like your control at this age but I remember getting away with murder and thinking nobody really cared. On the one hand I didn't want to be punished but I knew deep down I should have been and that left me feeling like I was on my own.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that there is a definitely answer to this for me -

I have 5 daughters with 5 different personalities - the two that I raised ALL of their lives are as different as nite & day - one is very self-support, worked part-time at Wal-Mart & Target & paid her way thru Beauty school while living on her own. She now is has a full-time job as a hair stylist and is loving life. The other is always the victim - no one ever does anything for her, poor me, - she has a great job, 2 beautiful children, and is NEVER happy with anything and everyone always owes her.

This has been typical of both of them all their lives - they were both raised to use manners, not to take advantage of people, to say thank you, please and I apologize. They were taught right from wrong - but the OLDER daughter has made the CHOICE to do things her way.

I will not bear the guilt of her choices - she had the same opportunites as her sister - she has just chosen to stay in the victim mode. I love her dearly but I know that I can't help her anymore - she is making her own choices now.

My step-daughters are the same - each one as different too - Their differences are not as drastic as the first two - but still differences are there. Is it about their environment? Doesn't seem like it would be so. Just different people respond different to the same situations.

For me, it is tough to try to understand this - to look at what seems so clear to me - but isn't to her - but I just put my faith in my HP that someday -prayerfully she will find her HP to lead her to a place of peace so that she will be happy with herself so that she can be happy with her life.

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been facing this issue as well. I do not give my children everything they want, but that doesn't stop them for asking for everything and then getting extremely disappointed when they don't get it. They also don't take care of anything! My husband's mom gives them junk all the time and I recently asked her to stop giving them things unless she asks me first. I want my children to be "happy with what they have" and take care of their things. I think if everything is given to them--even if it isn't the most expensive stuff, they become hardened in a sense and don't appreciate anything--1 b/c they didn't have to work for it and 2 b/c they always get stuff so nothing is special.

My 13 is getting an attitude, I have started pointing out the things that I do that make her life easier and then asking her if she still thinks that she shouldn't be responsible for her stuff and if she still feels like she shouldn't have to clean up when asked. I also require a kiss on the cheek when she rolls her eyes at me--her eye rolling has gotten less and less.

I honestly don't know if they are born with it, if it is a sign of an ism, or if it is a product of life. It may be a combination of everything!

I know a sense of self entitlement really gets on my nerves. Not that we all aren't entitled to be treated kindly and fairly, but we aren't entitled to get our own way all the time--there are absolutely too many people on earth for that!

Dawn

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I think a lot of family lore repeats itself. My sister who is an A smacked her children. she does not beat them as she was beaten but I am sure there is a great deal of dysfunctionality there. She idolizes one and doesn't exactly demean the other but he does not get the same level of attention the older one gets. I think it takes a tremendous amount of scrutiny, discipline and self examination to be a parent. My parents didn't have that. I dont' deliver that lightly. I've spent years in therapy coming to terms with my childhood.

I know one sure issue with me is the realtionshp a man has with his parents. Has he managed to grow up. How involved is he with his parents? How does he feel about them. I never thought I would be interested in that. After dealing with the A I am. I found myself totally over invovled in his family issues. I've broken out of that now but its hard going because he basically doesn't have that much support although I think he plays on that with me.

Coming to terms with my own parents has been huge for me. I do not have children at all. I have pets and they have certainly suffered under the A and my care. When we had an argument the other night htey wanted to run out. I did that to them for years. I may always feel guilty about it. That was all I koew how to do. Now I set limits but limits were not in my vocabulary before.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.