The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with a sibling (58 yo) that is addicted to prescription pain medications. Earlier this year she went to detox, came home started attending meetings and seemed to be doing great. In June her husband was hit with 120 days shock time. Feeling I was doing the right thing I let her move in with us. Little by little I noticed signs of both severe depression and too many medications.
Thursday morning when I got up she was sitting at the dining room table with a bowl of cereal in front of her and a glass of milk. She was smoking a cigarette and had her hand in the glass of milk and was sound asleep.
I came unglued! ! ! This along with all of the burn holes in my furniture, was just the straw that broke the camels back.
We talked to her and hubby told her if it happened again she would have to find another place to live. She is on disability, receives less than $400 a month and because her husband is in jail she can't get low income housing because they will not accept felon's. She was full of apologies, I won't do it again's -- all the things we wanted to hear.
She went to bed Thursday night at 9 pm and with the exception of getting up to use the bathroom or get a drink of water she slept until 8 am on Saturday. I won't believe that someone can sleep that long without drugs.
Hubby told her she would have to find another place to live and she had to be out on Saturday. He repeatedly told her we love her but we can no longer help her. To make a very long story short with the help of a 12 step call, she finally agreed to go to detox, only to try to get in her vehicle and take off when she got outside. They had to stop her she was so out of it she would have killed someone. She did agree to be admitted but for depression not medication abuse.
She called quite a few times apologizing, what can I do to make it up to you and on and on. Finally when she called wanting to come get some of her things, I told her we were emptying out the bedroom, putting her things in her van and she could come and get it when she wanted.
We stuck to the boundaries we had set but dang it hurts so bad. It is totally out of character for me to put someone's things in their vehicle and tell them to come get it when they want. On the other hand hubby and I were about to fall apart and her being in the house getting her things would have been way too much stress.
Now I have to deal with the rest of the family who wouldn't even consider taking her in but are judging us for the way we handled it. We made our decisions with the help of our sponsor's and other people in program who all assured us we were doing the right thing.
I know time will help me heal from this but dang today it hurts.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Wow! That was great! Good job! You know you can come here and get a standing ovation :D for such caring boundary work.
Of course it hurts, if you are a compassionate person and sensitive to the feelings of others. This is probably why so many boundaries are "set" and not carried through, we are so afraid of "feeling hurt". It's our own pain that stops us. But how caring is it to let our pain stop us from enabling a person dying of their addiction?
It's one thing to think about and another thing to actually do. You two are brave and courageous and hopefully it will aid your sister. I know you and your H will be more at peace, that's a given.
I really go through that a lot with the A. People judging what I have to give and criticizing my boundaries. I am no longer boundaryless and it hurts not to have any support. i get a lot of support here but try outside of here and its a nomans land. No one in the a's family will help. His mother who was a stickler for every single family occasion has deoped out of sight. She said "I dont'want anything to intefere with my happiness" and pulled the plug She does not even call to see if he is alive. She is well aware he is in dire straits too.
You did do the right thing. My brother who is fifty, also snort, injects pain medication and also coke. His sleeping is the same as hers. His "I'll do anythings" are old. Your sister sounds just like my brother. They usually go to detox to get back in your good graces, NOT because they want help. I personally think that my brothers been doing it so long that he couldn't learn to live another way if he wanted to at this point. He knows he can not come here. All of you are helping her by NOT giving her a place to lie her head. I know how hard it is. It breaks your heart and makes you wonder if you even have a heart half the time. Damn'd if you do, damn'd if you don't. So I just pray for my brother and I wait for the phone call of when his funeral is. Take care of yourself and keep praying.
Good job! People don't like it when we change the way we deal with them. They are used to our "kindness" and expect it all the time. I know I felt mean when I decided I wasn't giving AH another damn thing but I sure feel better now. This will pass and you'll be better for it.
Setting a boundary and sticking to it is very hard. WELL DONE! You had to do what was best for your family, and that includes your sister. When other family members give you flack, ask them if they would have preferred her staying and burning the house down. Because that's what could have happened. Or don't justify it at all. This is your life. You and your husband do what is best for your family. I promise you, the pain (and I felt guilt for a little while) will subside. Give it time. Meanwhile stay true to who you are, which is a treasure. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You had to do what was best for your family, and that includes your sister. When other family members give you flack, ask them if they would have preferred her staying and burning the house down. Because that's what could have happened. Or don't justify it at all. This is your life. You and your husband do what is best for your family. I promise you, the pain (and I felt guilt for a little while) will subside. Give it time. Meanwhile stay true to who you are, which is a treasure. 
Much love and blessings to you and your family. 