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The A I was with for the last 7 years has a major physical illness as well as his own emotional illness and his addiction. This weekend I saw him. As I am preparing that he will probably go to jail and don't want there to be any last minute crisis for me I offered to let him have some space in my storage space. I have room and decided I can give that to him. He's an electrician and his tools are very valuable. If he goes to jail (which looks increasingly likely) he would lose them. So I saw him on the weekend for a extended period of time while we moved those and some things of mine which were in another storage space.
Foir once I am able to see how ill he is. I still argued with hiim of couse but all the rage and the railing at him is gone. I just stopped wanting to plea with him to stop his behaiovr. I accept it and in acceptin it I am able to set limits. I did not have one second of guilt when he went. He did his usual manipulation and I did feed him for 2 days. I also gave him some money as he is completely broke. The difference is I did not give him all my money and I did not buy into I bore any responsibility for his predicament.
There is no question his illness is much worse and he is getting the run around from many people. His mother has not bothered to call in weeks. He is all alone and has no one. He is also far far far too proud to ask anyone for help . That is a huge charactor defect he will someday maybe get beyond.
I have his dog for a few days as he is running around and not able to take her back to where he lives. Having her is much easier than having him. I'm craystal clear I cannot allow him to live with me and my ability to give to him is very limited. I'm glad I moved his stuff on the weekend (he does not have a key to the storage unit). I am one step closer to the reality that he is probably going to go to jial. i think that might be one thing that saves his life as his uncle says. Nevertheless there are lots of other things to ve resolved, depending on how long he goes to jail for. I have also given up on the truck which for me is huge. I am not sure it is ever going to get repaired. I konw I am not going to be able to wrest it from him regardless. I treid but failed on that account. The truck is repairable and I even have a friend who's offered to do it quite cheaply but I am in no position at the moment to negoitate that so I don't. Rigth now it is in the A's hands and I am allowing him to deal with it alone. As always he makes chaos and mess everywhere. I felt incredibly strained dealing with him over the weekend but at the same time I felt closure in finally beginning to acknowledge how ill he is and how lost he is in his addcition in ways I did not before. I was still wating him to go back to some sense of organization and stability and it seems he has completely lost that.
Hey girl, I know exactly how you feel. I remember when I finally felt that and it was SUCH a relief. Even after there were difficult times but now I find the less I have to do with him the easier my life gets. I also agreed to store the A's stuff but finally got rid of it all at the last moving sale. I wanted a fresh start and didn't want to be responsible for his things anymore. I figured I would care about them as much as he does which is not at all because he abandons them and goes off and does his thing. I sent the important stuff to his mom (she'll always be his mom unlike me being his wife) and got rid of the replacable stuff (clothes). That was totally freeing for me. No more excuses to come by and get stuff on MY time! All that's left is his son and of course I can't get rid of him or give him up LOL. He's my little love. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are and I hope you're feeling a lot better now like a great weight has been lifted off of you. You're doing great! Does this mean you get to keep both the dogs now?
You sound good meri. How come you don't just take the truck when he is in jail? Get it to the person who can fix it.
You have a key don't you? Rekey the doors so the getting into the truck key is no longer the same one. OR redo the ignition, or get something on it so he cannot start it unless he knows something or another.
Debilyn : Well he is not in jail yet. In additon the truck needs extensive repair. I am not sure I can justify it. Another thing is the A changed the truck to his name. That is good and bad for me. he forged it somehow. The good thing is since he did a hit and run I am not liable and the bad thing is of course is that I now have to work out whether its worth my while to try to get the truck. The dmaage is pretty extnsive. I am talking thousands of dollars. I have to weigh all that with I have no money and am serioulsy in debt.
I will not have both dogs. I may in time but the other dog is only with me for a few days. There is good and bad in that too. I get to seeher and be with her and get some closure but the bad thing is I am not sure I have it to keep two dogs where I am. Where I might be in a year or so maybe but right now it would be pretty difficult.
Good that you sound like you are really being realistic about the dog and the truck. Detachment can be so liberating. It allows us to make sound decisions not steeped in emotion. Keep up the good work.
I realized the other day that the disease really uses our emotions against us, to cloud our thinking by muddying the water so we can not see the truth. It seemed obvious once I realized it. I guess its just another small milestone in our recovery, like being able to see how sick our A's are.
Have a great day.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
