The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, first let me say I look GREAT! I look like an adult, going to court. Nevermind that I have duct tape in my shoes and my skirt is 10 years old, I look fabulous! I got there early and sat and read my book, centered myself. My idiot lawyer shows up and quickly goes over things. My ex shows up and hides in the hallway till it's time. I go in and then he comes in and the judge says that our timeline will not allow us to be divorced in the title "Abandonment" we will have to change it to "Cruel and Inhuman Punishment".We all agree. I wanted that in the very beginning but that would have involved getting all sorts of evidence like the RO's, the testamonies from all the woman he had affairs with, the employers and his reasons for quitting or getting fired (crack addiction) etc and I thought at the time, I don't want to dredge all that crap up. For my own sanity, so we went with abandoment. I still got what was true.
Then, I have to take the stand. I have to testify about my ex's job history, how much he made, how long he worked and why he left. Now, remember, I look great, at least like a respectable adult, so there seemed to be a little shock when I explained that he had affairs with his clients so he lost his massage therapy licence, then went back to crack, then was unemployed for 18 months then got a great job where he made more than 50,000 in 6 months but was fired as he was having an affair with the married couple who owned the place which spirled him into his addiction to crack which sent him to rehab which led to diagnoses of Bipolar 1. He was almost approved for SSI and I was adovcating for him until March of this year when he decided he was not mentally ill, he could work. I didn't offer this up, my lawyer questioned it all and I just gave the facts. Meantime my ex is sitting there, in a pea green teeshirt, jeans that he is swimming in and MAN FLIPFLOPS!!!!! That's right, not just a teeshirt and jeans but FLIP FLOPS! IN COURT!!! So, he goes up and is immediatly caught in a lie. The judge asks him where he works and he says sub contracting. I lean over to my lawyer and say he is working at the frame shop in the village which his GF's mother owns. My lawyer questions that and he finally admits to it. DUH! He was hesitatnt to state where he lives and with whom. He says he has only made 8 or 9 thousand this year. When questioned about his son he said he pays support for him depending on his income (LOL!) He hasn't paid support for him in 5 years. And he says minimum he pays for him is 50 bucks a week! 5 years ago he paid 78 dollars every 2 weeks! MORON! I submitted our tax returns for the past 2 years which show he made on adverage 40 thousand a year. It was all business just like everyone suggested. He looked like an ass. There is NOTHING wrong with him, than why is he NOT supporting his kids? Is he looking for work, real work? Uuummmm, yeah. How? UUmmmmm..... It was eye opening for me (again, ya'd think at this point my eyes would be permenatly stuck open). He looked awful. Skinny and old. So very old. 2 weeks the jugde said he will mail us all the decision. It went as well as it could be expected. I did it. I got thru it and I did it gracefully and with my class and compasion intact. I behaved like a grown up and looked like one. He looked like an idiot. A sick idiot.
But I am not the healthy, strong, smart woman I mascarade as. He text me and says " can I see u for a minute?" I say sure. He asks where? I think jeeze you can't even be the man enough to think of that on your own?Gads! We meet in the parking lot and he says " I just wanted to thank you for being so nice in there." I said "your welcome." and I touched his cheek and he takes that as an invite to kiss me and feel me up. Yuck. So, I back off and say "you look like hell" which kicks in his Narsacistic complex and he grabs the rear view and starts checking himself out. LOL! Then he has to go. I wasn't stroking his sick ego, infact I was being honest. On top of that he smelled like his mother's perfume. GAG! He leaves and I came home to be with my 3 kids who are really incredible and I know, for the time being, that we are better off without him in our lives. He is so very sick and stupid. And I am ok. For the moment. Who knows....
So glad you made it back from court and all went relatively well! I wish I could catch my ex in some of his lies! Anyway, so glad you felt good and looked good! I know it is a tough row to hoe but you can be so proud of you! Little by little, step by step you will make it! Keep taking care of you and your kids.
I have caught the A lying lately and wonder why I did not see that as a limit issue before. I had none I supposed. I am so glad you can detach. Detaching is such an art form. Your experience in court was definitely very very mature.
I am glad that you can see you are better off without him. They are so convincing and manipulative.
I am so glad things went well for you in court. Sounds like you handle yourself well. I am proud of you.
I know how you feel about that whole misinterpretation of your actions bit. Every kind act I show my AH, he perceives it as an invitation to hop in the sack. Ridiculous. Personally, I don't want to be mean to my AH b/c even though we are getting divorced, I do still care for him. But I can't continue living a life where he is constantly hopeful for reconciliation. It makes things way too difficult.
LOL, great story. I can picture it all in my mind's eye. What a great scene. I bet you felt really good in there with all your facts in order and him bumbling like an idiot. You know the judge will rule in your favor. New York sounds like an interesting divorce state...cruel and inumane punishment???LOL That's hillarious. Sounds more like reality than abandonment or perhaps a touch of both. I think if you made it really clear that he can no longer have you that would be the icing on the cake. I'm surprised he didn't bring his raggedy girlfriend with him considering the t shirt and flip flops and all. Guess he was trying to look poor for the judge??? I'm so glad you went in with the all business attitude, I know it's hard to face them, the face to face is always worse. I think if you could just tell yourself NO every time he wants to see or talk to you just say no in the moment, you would be on the road to recovery. Sounds to me from what you have said like he's still using if he looked that bad. I'm so proud of you for getting in there and being strong. I know what you mean about how many times do you need to have your "eyes opened" LOL. Seems like it took 1000 bricks for one to finally sink in.
I think you are healthy, strong, and smart. You did it. Putting aside your feelings in a healthy way, recognizing and taking good advice that was offered, are things that healthy strong and smart women do. Of course you have a long way to go, like we all do, but you are well on the way.
Do not discount this accomplishment. Ask yourself, how would I have handled this a year ago? That helps me realize how far I've come.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
