The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling so much better lately since I have gotten on with my life and left the A behind. It was a challenge to unload him from my heart and soul it reminds me of spiderman 3 and the sticky black evil. It had a strong hold on me and was hard to escape from but now I feel free. Now everyone I know and talk to says I sound so much better, it's one thing to feel it inside but it's another thing to have it affirmed from others. That makes it more true I guess, I really am doing better, it's not just in my own head! LOL.
I was thinking the other day about the A and one of the things that really pisses me off about him. It seems that every one of them that I have ever been with feels some sense of entitlement, like the world owes them something and they are entitled to everything. I was just wondering if others have noticed this trait in their A's. This dawned on me as I was pouring sweat and aching all over after breathing in bleach fumes and thinking I sure hope I get back some of my deposit. I was thinking the A would feel entitled to have all it back without an ounce of sweat and I would be greatful to get it back because the landlord has given me extra time to move out, there were some things I couldn't fix, the carpet needs cleaning and the water bill has to be paid.
This is the same way he feels entitled to have a relationship with his son and me despite all he's done. I guess the thing is that he EXPECTS everything to be handed to him on a silver platter and gets angry when it doesn't happen and I expect nothing but am hopeful that it will work out my way and am greatful when it does happen.
I laughed out loud when I read this post.... YES, a thousand times YES.
We could probably have fun listing several "common" traits of A's here, so I will take a stab at a few, starting with the one you brought up....
1. Entitlement 2. It's all about me 3. It's never my fault 4. I don't have a problem, you do 5. I would stop drinking/using, but __________ (fill in the blank) 6. I'm not as bad as __________ (fill in the blank) 7. I only drink/use cuz you are such a ___________ (fill in the blank) 8. I act like I do because of my _____________ (fill in the blank), and NOT because of the drinking/using 9. I could stop anytime I wanted to 10. If you loved me more, I would be okay
I'm sure there are dozens more, but those ones come to mind....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The farther away I "get" from living with my exA, the more I see too. Like entitlement . . . I got a call from the sheriff a couple weeks ago, and he told me that the A told HIM that he himself bought all the farm tools/equipment and wants to come get them. I told the sheriff he DID indeed go out and buy them. With my money! The sheriff got a good laugh and so did I.
My A's entitlement knows no bounds and isn't confined to his high or drunken self, it is pervasive throughout his personality. He feels entitled to ME as if I were just another tool for him to have and to own.
This is what I'm getting from my situation anyway . . . the A has NO boundaries at all, anything he wants he SHOULD be able to get, and he'll make a complete idiot out of himself to the point he loses everyone's respect trying to get it. The only way to get my A to respect a boundary is to lock him up in jail or prison, or to scare him to death with the sheriff and the law. And the respect only lasts as long as he is locked up or "barred" away by severe consequences. He's always looking for an opening and MY job is to never deliberately give him one. Which is why I have no contact with him whatsoever. Who knows what he'll dream up on his own?
I wonder if the constant reinforcement of "using" and the immediate relief they get from using gives them the idea everything should be so easy. As I grow up myself, I don't get much of anything without working for it, sometimes struggling with myself for it. I'd like to stick a needle in my vein and make it all "just fine" too sometimes, but they actually believe it is true when they do. It's really sad and no wonder they are miserable.
i think some of my entitlement issues got me stuck with the A actually. When things fell apart in our relationship I went into an entitlement space of feeing he "owed" me. I have had to let that go now because of course he is incapable of providing anything (well anything but chaos and more chaos).
I stuck subbornly to that entitlement space for a lot of my life. Now I dont feel anyone owes me except maybe me. That for me is a long long way to come. I did not feel grateful when people gave me before I felt annoyed they did not give me more. I did not have any sense that people had their own issues to ocntend iwht. I had such huge pain I could not move with it. My pain is no less now. I am incredbily sad at the A's descent into homelessness and ill health. At the same time I have limits and I impose them now without guilt. I am in the picture too.
So for me personally I feel my entitlement was way off. I felt enittled to the A but did not have a sense he could not give to me. I felt enitled to lots of stuff from other people, good therapy (pretty hard to come by) and more. I felt like I was "owed" a childhood, an adulthhood and more because I was so abused. At the same time I really was not making a huge effort to get it for myself.
Al anon has helped me to grow up and greive. I am not thorugh grieving yet of course. I am not through being angry either but I do see the A for what he is rather than someone who "owes" me and who could get better if he chose. I dont' know the can now. I think he may end up seriously ill before he make s move on that. Who knows he is in HP's hands not mine anymore.
I think I have been thoroughly irresponsible most of my life and blamed others much as the A does. I also think that is one of the reasons I was atracted to the A, the rebel, the angry silent one, the non conformist, someone who want not say to me get your act together because his was always so out there. Someone who would accept my incredibly bad behavior.
My entitlement is way way out there in many relaitonshps and in some ways that was and still is my demise. When I can take care of myself maybe I will be in a place to relate better to others but there is a part of me still that just wants to be taken care of 24/7 and not have to give back. I still want the magic wand and I thnk that is part and center of my own entitlment issues. I see that in the A very clearly now and I no longer offer amagic wand to him. I offer very littel actually but I am very very very clear that I have only so much to offer anyone including myself.
All of you make such great points. And Maresie, I went through that entitlement phase myself. I felt like my AH screwed me and the kids over royally. That his own selfish addictions stole away from me everything I had worked so hard for since we got married and totally ruined the future I dreamed of. I had to get over that real quick though as it was making me very bitter and very hard to deal with.
My AH doesn't necessarily feel like he should get something for nothing. He does feel like he does a whole lot for a lot of people and no one does anything for him in return. Granted, when he is straight, he does manage to lend a hand to folks but then when he goes on a binge and no one is willing to help him, he throws it up in their faces.....I did this for you and that for you and you can't loan me $100 to get out of jail? You can't give me a place to sleep? You can't loan me your car? His trade-offs are so unreal. Just like in my own post today - my AH cut my grass, washed my car and went w/me and the kids to school clothes shop - he expected to get sex as payment. He did all these things on his own. I didn't ask him to do them. In fact, I told him I could do them on my own. But he insisted. So I said fine. Of course he got mad when he didn't get his payment. LOL. And I am thankful that I had managed to pull my hormones out of the gutter from last week before this all happened. LOL......or he just might have gotten lucky. LOL.
Well Tom, I think the first 3 are personality flaws and are there regardless of whether they are using or not, the others are just excuses or manifestations of the first three. LOL Glad I made u laugh.
I have been seriously examining what is it that attracted me to these people which is the more important question here as I want to recognize it right away next time so I can run and never look back. LOL
