The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
1. does anyone else sometimes get the feeling they are losing their mind? - it's not only what you do or don't hear may not be true but also what you don't or do see, could be true or not true - clear as the mud in my mind.
2. how can someone who drank great quanities, passed out nightly & had black outs, cut down though still drinking too much nightly, not pass out now or have obvious black outs now and not even act drunk that I can tell. His tolerance is high so does that mean he can drink loads but not act drunk like I was used to? .....or am I crazy? I need to be at al anon no matter what but I'm confused.
3. in hind sight I realize the only way A knows to care is by working hard and providing but he is not available and refuses to participate in our relationship or family relationships other than independently. I am all about relationships and time spent with people I care about, not extra material stuff. we frustrate each other I see now. As I stop trying from apathy, exhaustion or practice of Al Anon tools now, if there is any small positive thing done by A, I just can't bring myself to respond.....sort of a too little too late feeling. I don't think this will have a positive affect but can't see how to respond differently - any esh on this? Thanks to tiger for this post of accepting love that puts words to my dilemma: Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
4) the more I try to focus on myself and my recovery, I struggle as every item I think about somehow leads my mind back to the snarl of how this is intertwined with the A and I get out of focus again and again. Maybe this takes a lot of time........... sometimes I am not even conscious that I am thinking about how all this is snarled up with others and not just about the parts that are my own to change. When I am not conscious about my thoughts, I don't remember the slogans etc........... maybe I could just set a timer to slap myself conscious every half hour to check on myself. when I talk like this I go back to the first question of wondering if I am losing my mind. aaaggghhh
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
No, you aren't crazy. Its easy to get relationships tangled up. In my case, the A always wants to spend time together which then I get sucked into in the name of harmony and relationships and then I lose focus on my program. I have also found that as I focus more and more on program, my thinking gets a bit clearer and things that seemed like a jumble of emotion and thoughts come into better view. My own sanity returns. Its easy for me to sit here and say all this because my A is a long distance away physically. I know when he returns I will really have to set some boundaries in terms of taking the time out to work my program. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Baby steps. You don't have to get there all at once.
I found for me that after about a year and a half in the program, suddenly things that had been so hard for me to grasp became clear and easy. It's like I just had to be exposed to them for a certain amount of time before they sank in.
For me it is a lot like cleaning up a really big mess, or unpicking a bad snarled knot - you start at the edges, doing the obvious parts that you actually know how to deal with, and move on from there. For me, getting my own car and a good babysitter were first steps to untangling things - I was able to do what needed to be done without counting on him to show up, and to do what he said he would. Once I wasn't disappointed and pissed off half the time, other things became easier, and it went on from there.
There will always some obvious good steps you can take, so take them (no matter how small they are). Then you can look around, and from your new vantage point, there will be another small step. Take that. One slogan that I find really helps in a practical sense is "Do the next right thing". Even if it is only brushing your teeth.
especially if it's only brushing your teeth. gotta be ready to smile when we get a chance! I liked that one, Lin.
about now I don't care if I am losing my mind. I am going to find my way out of thix maze no matter what, and if it takes doing something completely different that's what I'll do. ddub, I do better when I listen to myself without over-thinking. in recovery, Jill
(((ddub))) It does take time for your mind to really absorb the program and stay focused on it. Of course you FEEL crazy, but you are not. We all feel that way when we first really get started. And the numbness you feel no matter what your A does, good or bad now, for me I think it was just a bit of shutdown due to emotional overload. It is normal for your mind to just say enough is enough, I can't feel anything about this right now. When I find myself feeling that way I just kind of go with it. I try to find something relaxing to do for myself. Do not feel guilty that you can not respond to him because of this. I just try to be honest with my A and tell him I am tired and have no real opinion on the matter right now. And thank him if he is trying to do something nice.
As for 3. I don't know that it matters. His drinking is his business. They grow and learn and sometimes use these new tool to cover it up better, but it always falls apart again if they are. You will know eventually. Try not to stress over that which you can not control.
I try to read my meditation book every morning and a little bit of self help alanon at night before I go to bed. It helps keep me focused on a daily basis.
It works if you work it, and you ARE worth it.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think.... as people, as human beings.... we leard to "cope". Living with an alcoholic is chaotic and insane, and we find a way to cope.... that may be by healthy ways (learning about the disease, choosing recovery for ourselves, detaching, etc), or by less healthy ways (delusional, denial, anger, withdrawal, etc., etc.).
I was told once by a counselor that I was suffering from "situational depression", which made perfect sense to me.... Fact is, I was (slightly) insane, and it wasn't until I made some changes in my behavior and chosen path of recovery that I got myself back on my feet again....
I believe it is relatively easy to see how sick the A's are, as their sickness is typically pretty blatant. What's not always so easy to see is how much this disease has affected US.
As for the tolerance question - I don't know, but my experience has been that an active alcoholic can drink a LOT more than the average person... My ex A, who was all of about 135 pounds, would drink well over a fifth (26oz) of vodka daily, but there were times when I swear she was stone cold sober. I think she would have a "plateau" where she could so-called manage...
Just my two cents Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's so unbelievable how the family disease makes us insane....slightly! And only believable when someone else understands that too like you, maire rue and renah, plus this helps too renah. "I have also found that as I focus more and more on program, my thinking gets a bit clearer and things that seemed like a jumble of emotion and thoughts come into better view."
lin, you remind me about baby steps and I want to work hard & fast to get there now....some things take time like working on the edges of a bad snarled knot. Doing the next right thing no matter how small has helped me to slow down and then be able to actually reach a new vantage point to look again.
jill, I like your humor and your attitude. I guess if you don't care about losing your mind, I won't either if that is what it takes as I so want to get out of this maze too. You nailed me correctly on this and I need constant reminders: "I do better when I listen to myself without over-thinking."
jen, this helped me so very much - thank you "the numbness you feel no matter what your A does, good or bad now, for me I think it was just a bit of shutdown due to emotional overload. It is normal for your mind to just say enough is enough, I can't feel anything about this right now. When I find myself feeling that way I just kind of go with it. I try to find something relaxing to do for myself. Do not feel guilty that you can not respond to him because of this. I just try to be honest with my A and tell him I am tired and have no real opinion on the matter right now. And thank him if he is trying to do something nice." Plus just having some planned reading times of Al Anon, take in a little and process that and then a little more....it adds up slowly but doesn't let me crash from overload and speed reading. Easy does it!
Tom, I think it would still be impossible for me to see or believe how this disease affects us if it weren't for this wonderful MIP family. All the small changes above that I am making are adding up to make a difference somehow and reinforce that this will work, if I work it. Your words "it wasn't until I made some changes in my behavior and chosen path of recovery that I got myself back on my feet again...." have helped me find the words for how I feel right now. More letting go, letting God and listening instead of my plan.
The tolerance thing is confusing as we go through almost that much vodka too but seems better - I can't tell when he's had a lot until it's way too much which is scarey or confusing... however I am becoming aware of this ebb and flow pattern as it's a coping tool that is used more like now right with job change/loss? stress. (he's fallen twice & dropping things tonight - so stressed and so drunk, it is scarey) I will always drive our kids as the uncertainty can not let me relax that boundry ever even if others think I am over reacting.
I am making small changes and not pushing myself so hard. I made a small card of some slogans to look at often. I thank all of you for your ESH which is some desparately needed TLC. My pockets were empty ~ hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
