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I was wondering if anyone has any warnings or advice to someone in their first serious relationship after being with an A for many years. I definitely have baggage and keep accidentally running into my ex-AH and having sad feelings stirred up. We thankfully have no contact otherwise. It was just too unhealthy and traumatic for me to stay in contact.
My current boyfriend of one year is very understanding and caring, but I know it is a lot for him to deal with. His father was an alcoholic so I am sure he has his own baggage.
I find that I am having a hard time really giving myself to the relationship. I also seem to be very anxious and always on the verge of ending things if we get into a disagreement. My feelings are confusing at times because I sometimes don't know if my feelings are connected to my ex or my current boyfriend.
I don't seem to trust my own judgment and keep asking myself how I will know if this new person is for me. I just can't bear going through the pain I went through with my ex. It was indescribable and though I am doing well and happier in my current life, I still feel the pain sometimes. The other night I had a nightmare where I relived the entire demise of my relationship. That was a sign that I am not over the trauma I experienced.
I guess I am wondering if what I am feeling will lesson with time. Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Did you ever get counseling after the alcoholic relationship? I recommend it. With a counselor who is familiar with the addiction of course. I went and learned a ton. You can have a healthy relationship once you relearn how to. Yes it does damage future relationships. At least you are aware of it. Try journaling, this way you can look back and see what triggered you to get angry, see what makes you happy. Write what you like and dislike on the two of them and see if you see any comparisons. Something (don't know what) is giving you trouble. You need to be happy so do what you need to get that reward. :) Good luck sweets.
My very first impression was also to think of counseling or a relationship "seminar" on communication . . . just for education purposes as you both have backgrounds perturbed by substance abuse. Couldn't hurt and would be "proactive" :)
Seems really understandable to be gun shy on your part. I'm learning some elements of healthy relationships by contrasting my unhealthy ones, for instance; it's better to go REAL slow, I mean, we have our whole lives :D . I fell like a tree for my exA and felt desperate to have him, MUST have him, knew I would marry him within days . . . he he, this is apparently a MAJOR red flag as I'm learning.
Are you being a little hard on yourself too? Just an impression from your post. We aren't chained to any one else by expectations when dating and exploring relationships. We have choices and don't have to defend ANY of them. It's our life :) . In my alcoholic/addict relationships, seemed like there were very rigid "rules" in place from first contact, promises made that couldn't be kept by any human being, just a load of unreality and idealized romance.
One good thing about Alanon is its tools and principles are so multipurpose . . . remove the alcoholic/addict from the equasion and you STILL have a flexible, practical guideline for life.
I have the same worries about the possibility of ever getting involved with another alcoholic. I haven't even been able to consider dating since my EX addict/alcoholic and I separated and divorced over 4 years ago. I hope that if and when the right person comes along (if that ever happens) that I'll be able to trust my own judgment, instincts, etc. I fell for my EX completely when we first met. I was only 17 then. We spent the next 25 years together (he was sober for about 13+ years or so). I guess that explains why I'm not too anxious to get into another relationship. That was a LONG time! For now, I'm just concentrating on my own recovery and learning how to be happy with just myself. Maybe some day my HP will send the right dude my way. I'm scared to pick anyone else out on my own. Know what I mean? My advice to you Sunny is to trust your gut and what you are feeling in your heart. If the relationship doesn't feel right, there's probably a good reason. Best wishes! ET
Thanks Everyone. Yes, I did start counseling with someone who speacializes with addiction and alcoholism. It was very helpful and I would say overall my life has been going very well considering the difficulties, financial and otherwise that I found myself in after the divorce.
I feel so lucky to have found a boyfriend who is so understanding and supportive during such a difficult time. We started dating 3 months after my separation; we have been together for a year. He doesn't drink at all so I have no anxiety in that area. He is reliable and sweet. I don't feel in second place all the time like I did in my marriage. I also don't feel pressured to move quickly.
Lately, what I am finding is that the smallest thing can throw me into anxiety and if I should stay in the relaionship or not. I am always analyzing.
I fell quickly for my ex-AH. Yes, huge promises were made and the expectations were unrealistic. He knew how to pull me in quickly and I was very young -- 19. Now that I am in a relationship that is moving slowly I feel like something is wrong. People around me reinforce this idea by saying things like, "Why haven't you said, 'I love you' yet?" Or, "If you find the right person you might fall head over heals." This just makes me feel something is wrong because I don't feel that crazy love feeling yet. Don't get me wrong, I do care for him, miss him when he is around, etc.
The other thing I am encountering is that I don't seem to have the energy to fix things like I had in my marriage. One tiny thing and I am ready to toss it out. Arguments in my marriage were about huge gut wrenching topics and I would work and argue to try to solve it. Arguments in my current relationship are more like squables over a stupid topic and I am ready to throw in the towel.
don't have much to offer and lots of good replies are here already.
but one quick points, I over analyze things to ad nauseum which can drive you crazy. What's really helped me when I catch myself doing that is to "let go and let God" or calm myself to wait and see what happens rather than have all possible answers thought out for all possible scenarios. It's great to be able to analyze things when it is called for but not everything needs to be over analyzed.
wishing you the best
hugs from ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
hi, well my experience is in order for me to have a foudation, I have to build one. If I am shaking on my own feet, I know I am not ready to be in a relationship.
We do not have to go into a new one just becuz we find ourselves without a mate. I believe we need to save OURSELF first. NO one else can fill that void you speak of.
You are in a relationship now. Sounds like a cool person. I invite you to look into personal learning classes offered thru a college. Usually a communtity one. I learned so much about me. Counseling is good, however hands on learning about you goes much further.
go on an outward bound, you will face challenges and find out how really strong you are. I feel you have lost your connection to earth and sky. Also we are spiritual beings. We need spirtitual food.
Leo Buscaglia's book,"Born for Love" is phenominal. So easy to read as it is quotes and one or two paragraphs to help.
We just cannot stand on our own two feet until we know we can honey.
It is NO wonder you are confused and scared. If we don't have a sound foundation of knowing our own strengths, beliefs, power, choices, heal our wounds, we just cannot feel balanced.
HOpe I helped some. I tell ya I honestly in many ways am happier than I have ever been becuz I self actualized me. I know me, I trust me, I honor and respect me. The creator gave me my heart. uno?
I too am in my first relationship since my divorce. I mourned my failed marriage for a good 6 months after I left him. I was so happy it was over but at the same time I was sad all of our dreams were over.I wonder if you still are mourning the ex to some extent since you only had three months before the new relationshil started.
I still remind myself daily in all aspects of my life, not to get overly emotional about something that may not even be anything. I really take life one day at a time and it's working. I'm calm, focused and I have fun.
In my new relationship I have tried to be veery upfront about everything and when I hold something in it torments me and strains the relationship. When I see myself fall back on old habits I try to wake up and see how those habits don't work, in fact they are very harmful.
Go slow with the new guy and don't feel pressure for it to be more than it is yet. A good guy will see that you're still working on a better you to give to him.
I am glad to hear from somone in a simiar situation. Your post really hit home. I don't personally know anyone who can relate to what I am going through.
Yes, three months was really fast to get into a relationship. Frankly I never thought I would find someone so quickly especially since I don't mind being alone. I was grieving very deeply for my ex and still find myself occasionally feeling sad out of the blue just when I think I am over him. Luckily my boyfriend is very understanding.
I guess I am still working on getting past old habits too. Thanks for reminding me to live one day at a time.
I have avoided getting into another relationship and I think a large part of it is that I'm scared I'll pick another "winner". I think I have learned a lot about myself by being alone.
