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My AH is miserable and also miserable at his job. In my opinion, it's a good job, but he's doesn't seem to moving forward and advancing. We are up to our eyeballs in debt, I have 2 jobs (sometimes 3) and now he's says he wants to quit and give his 2 weeks notice. It's not the first time he's threatened this. He's been on vacation all this week and staying at home and doing nothing. I suggested before he start this vacation that he use this time to start putting resumes out and setting up interviews, etc. His drinking has just paralyzed him emotionally. We fought yesterday about him saying he's going to quit the job. He seemed more subdued later and said he just wanted to "warn" me that was what he was thinking of doing. Then he said that he expected me to be more supportive! I support him looking for another job 100% but he shouldn't quit the old one until he has the new one. Should I just ignore what he says? He also talked about detoxing during this time off and that didn't happen. I didn't ask him about except once. I just don't want him to do something that he'll regret later because he's not thinking straight but I know I have no control over what he does. We would be in deep trouble financially if there was an interruption in his pay.
I can only share that my ah went down this road and my once functioning alcoholic turned into a nonfunctioning alcoholic. I was like you, I worked two jobs and he felt "why bother" so he left his job. That's when I put him out. No job.......no cooking and having a maid. He was on his own. They come to a point where financial troubles seem to be nothing to them. They just don't care and leave it up to us to find a way to get out of the trouble. Sounds like he's in pretty deep. I'd say with my experience that you need to make a plan just in case financial problems occur that you can not handle alone because it sounds as if YOU might be the one paying for it. Good luck. I agree that he should have another job lined up and accepted before leaving the other.
If I were in your shoes I definitely WOULD NOT ignore what he's saying here . . . sounds like he's warning you to get ready to take on four jobs.
Perhaps just state the reality if he chooses to quit. Bye bye cable TV. Or whatever nonessentials exist. Filing for bankruptcy, selling new cars, selling recreational items to cover bills, memberships cancelled, whatever will need to happen to make ends meet at a basic level.
To me this is a boundary issue. A boundary is called for from your end, and for your sake be sure you can and will enforce it. Of course he's being ridiculous and selfish and unrealistic, he's an alcoholic steeped in active drinking.
If he refuses to grow up, perhaps a plan B is in order, there's no reason for YOU to go down along with him. There may be some real tough decisions in the near future for you, and I hope you stay in touch with us here and with your Alanon ftf group to help you stay centered on what you need to do for you.
I prefer to not give advice but only draw from my own experience. My A was always threatening to leave a job because of people or situations which he felt was unjust. I have perceived the world this way as well. Its only the steps that get me to look at my part. Anyway, my A always threatened but never followed through. I threatened and one point and followed through on quitting because I knew the A had a job. I am not saying you should put yourself in jeopardy. In the end, its really up to you as to weather you need to protect yourself financially or not. At least you will then have an assurance that you will be ok no matter what he does or doesn't do.
I agree with you. I would also say it is necessary to get another job before he quits this one. It isn't really an alcohol related issue (IMO). Manipulative, maybe. I'm sure many people wish they could just quit there job and have someone else work 3 jobs and struggle to make ends meet. But welcome to life and responsibility!! It doesn't work that way. Looking at it from the outside, you working 3 jobs while he lazed the days away drinking is truly enabling the disease. You may want to come up with some quick boundaries and consequences. Like, OK, I'll warn you that quitting w/o another job lined up is unnacceptable and if you do that, ________________will happen. Remember, boundaries w/o solid consequencesmean nothing. Since he did not use this vacation time to detox, I could pretty much guess how the job thing will go.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Mamallama, I think Friendof yours and Christy have hit the proverbial nail on the head! Call it advice if you will, but a Plan B is surely necessary, as are boundaries which will not be breached without consequences. The idea of three or four jobs for you so that you can bail his sorry ass out doesn't appeal to me at all.
Take care of yourself. That is what is most important here.
Best wishes to you,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
