The material presented
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My ex text me today that he wants to connect with me but everytime he tries he just feels bad about himself. And that he has a year sobriety. I just cried and cried. In this year of his "sobriety" he has abandonded his kids in every sense, he has left me yet again with all of the responsibility, and never even offered to help or give any support while I was losing my dad, my home, my entire life as I knew it. In his year of "sobriety" he has moved in with his "GF" who has 14 years "sobriety", he has said unprovocated, violent things to me, he has stolen my mother's credit cards and explained that it was MY fault he used them, he has taken his "GF" on a trip to a lodge on MY mother's stolen credit cards, he has stolen my mother's diamond engagement ring, he has shown up at my place on countless occasions begging me for what I don't even know. He has been sneaking around and having sex with me despite being "in love?" with this other woman and living with her. His year of "sobriety" what a joke. But I will not explain this to him, it is not my job. I text back " we are connected. It is when you choose to deny that fact that you are feel bad about yourself." Which is the truth as I see it, he saw it and the professionals explained to us. He is sick and has no sense of who he is. He wanted to be a father, a husband, to have our family. But he sucked into being whom ever he is with at the time. It is part of his "condition". He was a swinger when he was involved with a couple of swingers, he was a tourtured, "other man" in a bad marriage when he was with a woman who was in a bad marriage. He is now a man with no children, only concern is sobriety as he is with a woman who has no children and her only focus is staying sober. It is rather annoying that he cannot just be himself. Or stay himself, whatever self he choose to be. But it is really hard knowing that under it all he wants to be a dad and a husband and that train has left the building. There is no way to go back or repair. He wasn't here and there is no fixing the past. I am sad and angry. I do have to say that I am getting it, I'm not as mad or as sad as I have been and I am having faith that although I can't see how this is going to turn out or even get better it will. Eventually it will.
I feel for you, as this is very hurtful for you and your children. I have gone through similiar periods where I have had to cope with all alone. I hope all improves and am sending prayers your way.
I am so sorry for your pain. It so sad to see how blinded the A can be. Perhaps he is not ready to see his own character defects. You are an inspiration for me. Keep sharing. Please do something that makes you happy. Sending prayers your way.
You have had so much to deal with lately, it's a wonder you can even write straight. But you are doing it! Somewhere under the pain and confusion, you are finding your strength. Sometimes it is hard to see it in ourselves when we get so overwhelmed, but I see it in you. It is hard for me to remember that Aism is a disease, that it causes people to not see things as they really are. That is the hard part for me....to accept what is painful and sad. I want to look thru my rose-colored glasses....only problem is...they are broken! I am forced to accept that my husband is the way he is, and no amount of tears will change that. Be gentle with yourself. You have been on one wild roller coaster of a ride lately. Your poor babies....at least they have one parent. Take care of yourself. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this in your life. Alanon has the tools to bring you to the light, they are boundaries and detachment. Without applying these principles we allow ourselves to continue in their chaos. I encourage you to take a step back from the people in your life who are contributing to your chaos and work on taking care of yourself. Let them take care of themselves. Sometimes detachment means to separate both physically and emotionally until you are ready to be in control of how you react to the person who is your instigator. It is easier said than done, but peace is out there when we work the program.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It'll get better, remember where I was? The best thing that ever happened for me was when he went to jail for a good long time and I got time with no contact with him other than the occasional letter which seem more and more irritating. When you change, how you see him will change. The problem is you can't worry about him anymore. In your mind you envision the "husband/father" he wants to be but maybe he was only that because he was playing that role at the time. Now he's the single guy with no kids. I see you wanting him to be what he was and therein lies your pain. He is what he is. We spend so much time making excuses for people and making them out to be more than they are instead of just accepting face value. It is what it is and that's it. I think you would greatly benefit by cutting off all contact with him. It hurts and I know you don't really want to inside but the right thing is usually the hard thing. You're beating yourself up all the time when it's really time to be building yourself up. Doing things for you and the kids. Make a list of 100 things to do and do them all and keep doing it until he's a faint memory that barely creeps in. You deserve better than this and it's up to you to let him go and make it happen. Just my observation. You do better, he sees you doing better, he calls/texts/shows up, you sleep with him/talk to him, you are in pain again. It's a vicious circle!
