Got a text from the ex this morning. "Hi" I sent back "hey". I am feeling so low. Crying and just feeling sad. I even thought seriously about going out and getting ripped. I haven't had a drink in 13 years. But I stop and think it thru and I know it is not what I want, it wouldn't help and God forbid my kids saw me or even found out. But still I am playing games with the ex. I called my idiot lawyer to ask him about the fact that the last time I spoke with him he gave me a hint that we had to go in front of the judge on Sept.4th. I have recieved nothing and heard nothing regarding this. My idiot lawyer calls back and says we do indeed have court on the 4th for child support and my ex has been served. Whatever. He tells me to bring tax returns or a paystub or maybe a bank statement if I can. And he'll see me at 11 on the 4th.....he thinks. Oh and my ex might be bringing up other stuff. I hate this guy. I really do.

So, I figure that I had better get the ex to pay the little one's tuition before we do this court thing if I can. I send him a voicemail thanking him again for getting the oldest one's report card and asking if he had a chance to go pay the little one's tuition because if he hasn't a couple of my friend's are willing to let me borrow the money. Everyone thinks it's a good idea for her to stay in her routein with her teachers and her friends from last year. So begin the text messages.

"Can I see you.....Around 5 or 6....Alone?" No thought or desire to see his kids. Just me. Doesn't answer my question about the money, doesn't ask about how the kids are, where they are or what they are doing. Just me. And not about me, how I am, how I am feeling, thinking, dealing. Just what I can do for him. He wants to see me, but only in his time frame so his GF won't know. He is cheating on the "other woman" with his ex! I refuse to be the other woman so he can go jump in a lake. At the same time I am looking for relief from this aching pain and grief. I logically know he is not going to give it to me because I can't talk to him, I can't trust him with my inner most fears and pain. And he doesn't care anyway. All he cares about is feeding his addiction, which is sex at the moment. He just wants to have the drama of cheating, the fake intimacy. It is all so very clear to me. I am still mad.

 Today, it was my inlaws renting space in my head and not paying the rent. I was getting my panties in a wad over the fact that they hate(?) me so much that they couldn't even call or send my kids a letter on the death of their best friend. I don't expect anything from them. They are sick. But still it saddens me and angers me. We were so very close at one time and at a time like this you would think that they would be adult enough or brave enough or caring enough to make contact with these little girls or even me for that matter. But no, they are who they are. How much time do I want to waste on them today? Not much. Accepting reality. Dreaming of something better. A real family, people I like and who like me and love me and are there when I need them.

It is hard realizing that my kids are doing ok. I am not but I keep that fact pretty well hidden from them and I am allowing them to grieve and experience this in their own way. I am not forcing them to talk about any of it, I am not making a shrine (yet) to our friend. Their experience of this and of their father is so different from mine and they are really pretty ok with him not being here. They don't expect him to be here. They are not constanly mad at the fact that he is not here or consistent in any way. I am but I have expected him to be a father and be here for them. I am just getting that.

I feel so alone. I don't have a brother or sister, father, husband, no family at all because my mother is in the middle of all this and can't be there for me not that she would be anyway. I have my best friends but they are all dealing with this too. I am a single mom in the true sense of the word. Sometimes I can feel very strong in that fact and that we (me and the kids) are getting thru this together. But I can't lean on them, they are kids. And all that makes me mad. I don't feel like being strong at the moment. I feel like curling up and letting someone else deal with this mess. Just going catatonic and not speaking. But there is no one else. I guess it's a good thing that I am at least grown up enough to put my kids first. This too shall pass....