The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I met the A coming up to 7 years ago I had a decent job, was making good money, had choices, was dating, and felt desperate. I hid it very very well. I had no idea how to date and I was incredilby lonely. Along cam ethe A and he was willing and ready to go full throttle into relationship right away. I saw nothing wrong in that because of course I did not want to take care of myself. Very very very early in the relationship i got sick and he showed me sides of him I did not like. He was indifferent when I was sick. I felt like I was caught on a roller coaster. I was too afraid to step out and say this is not what I want.
I've realised over lots of though and the dreadeful events of the past few months the A does not want ot live in realty. The issue for me is neither did I for most of my life. My reality as a child was unbearable. One sure comfort was imaging that at some time I'd have the knight in shining armour who would make me feel worthwhile. My knight in shining armour actually made me feel much much worse.
So what I've realised is when I met the A I did not want to be in reality either. These days most of my posts are about day to day reality. They are not some intellectual frame of codependency or talking aobut some book I've read (I still read voraciously). They are incredibly practical how do I get through this next phase stuff. And I'm able to be in reality. I dont' think I was before. I think I had to have two years to be in al anon to learn tools in order to get there.
That is really waht separates me from the A today he wants his fantasy (and he has them of running off two states away and I had my running off fantasies for years I know where they take me I've acted on them before). I have my reality which is very very difficult, sometimes incredibly overwhelming but nevertheless possible to see a chink of light in with the help of the loving, compassionate, giving souls on this board.
Funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I was on my way into work and thinking I REALLY don't want to be here today. Then I thought Ok just for today I'm going to work and it will pass. I have always been one to job hop and I have been here 18 mos. and getting itchy feet. I need to build the time on my resume. I love my boss and most of my clients. There's no reason for me to leave except for the 45 minute commute each way but in my mind that's acceptable. When I had the A I could just quit and let him work for a while and be ok and I miss that free time of collecting unemployment or just being off work. I feel so much stronger and more stable now though and I know this is what I have to do in order to have a home and, and, and. Sooo, I realized, I'm finally becoming an adult, I'm finally seeing the world in an adult perspective. After my A got me to move from my home in Washington (please tell me that's not where he's going...) I have fantasized about finding the "perfect" place. I lived in Boulder for a while and he wanted to move again. Now here I am in NC 3000 miles from my mama and I just keep staying. It's almost as if I want to test myself to see how long I can really make it on my own. It hasn't been easy, it's been WORK for the past year and blessings of money right when I need it, but I sure do feel a lot better about myself than I did a year ago. It's hard to admit that various childish traits or behaviors are what kept me in that hell for so long. IE selfishness, fantasizing, fear of being alone, fear of failure, small things like sleeping late, being lazy and wanting someone to take care of me like my mommy did. I see it all now and I know I can overcome it. And actually it wasn't all hell, he had a lot of good points and just went on runners here and there (increasingly at the end). I just felt I deserved a husband who doesn't disappear for days and spend thousands of dollars on nothing when I have 3 kids to support.
Take it slow and easy, if we look hard enough there is always a light signing at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleek the world seems...
Stay strong, keep moving forward, one day at a time girlfriend, your life is yours only you have the power to make your life what you wish it to be...be happy take control and make your life what you want it to be... afterall we are not promised tomorrow....just for today girlfriend...
some of my anger at the a is that I paid such a huge price for his paying most of the bills. He totally ignored what I wanted in the house Hence he would invite people over all the time, day and night and would not honor what I wnated to do with the place we had. I 'd also say he never honored my time. I did not have a good split in doing most of the housework and pet care as well as the cooking. He always minimized that part of it. Nevertheless for most of the 7 years he did pay most of the bills and I was immature aboout getting work and a real victim when the recession hit. I sulked for ever and then some.
We never did have a honest adult conversation about anything.
I am really pretty sad about my own part in it. I just want to sit and cry and grieve and I can't of course because I'm trying to make my place habitable. Maresie.
That's what really gets to me . . . "the price we pay". It's like seeing an ad for a super cheap Kitchenaid type machine that will do everything plus your dishes for $19.95 plus a bunch of little attatchments and a bottle of perfume :D , but when you get it, it shorts out the wiring in the house and starts a fire. All those "dreams" smashed and then you get to clean up the mess.
For me, looking back, I was very vulnerable when I met my A, and we decided to marry within a month or so. We got SO CLOSE within a short time. He was going to save this poor little single mom, father her brats and straighten up her taxes and fix the stuff falling apart around the house.
Aside from driving my children away and destroying my self esteem even more that it was, he did the house repairs :D . Not worth it.
I wanted my A NOW. I'd make that a big giant NOW. And whatever you get NOW, especially if it is a fantasy . . . well, the fairy tales warn us over and over about that.
And he didn't even pay most of the bills!
I'm with you Mary, thanks for sharing this. It makes it more real to get it out, and you are definitely not the only distressed damsel out there who fell for the Demon Lover. Just think, in another year the way you are going where you'll be. Closer to the light, for sure. You already have a tiny but more private place and you have most of your pets. That is so much more than a mere month ago.
