The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
4:30am here and I still can't get to sleep. Maybe thinking by writing will help me figgure out how to settle. I've been re-setting my kids and myself to go to bed earlier so we can wake early enough for school. I was doing great until tonight. I am so depleted from seven years of therapists for kids and myself. Did marriage and family therapy too but no change from the A and doesn't even get that he has any changing to do. Every therapist has given me a book to read to help or support my kids so I've learned about things I never wanted to learn about but am a better person as a result.
I just feel so worn out to learn how to help myself with Al Anon though I know it will help me........ but 2 to 3 years to really make a change seems like forever. Many quit too soon as they want a quicker fix which I can understand. My college bound kids, who actually notice me, read me like book and talk with me about all kinds of things, have moved back to school. It hits me like a ton of bricks but I get over it. My A states it is a fact of life when they move and doesn't bother him. He doesn't notice me, constantly forgets I could be different than him and expects me to be doing more or whatever he wants to work on right now! Like did I get this on the calendar? did I get a motel? am I going to do it? ......all at 11pm. Did I say he is a work A also?
I am just glad I got through the day, getting things ready for first day of school tomorrow. These younger ones have learning issues that, yes, I've read about, worked with tutors and attended a conference on so I could support them and they are doing ok to well. And I was glad my car was in the shop to be fixed but being reminded would have been nice to know I'd be without a car, then needed to go pick it up when ready so I had a car for my MD appt. While picking up this or that, like school shoes etc, I also had to pick up a DVD on reserve for one son at the library. I took some time for myself to get some books on Al Anon, healthy living programs, how to quit smoking - to start putting me first on my schedule when all are back to school. More self help books to read - oh goody, but yet these are for me and about me so I am looking forward to that.
It's just that after explaining to my A, who has cut down? so he seemed sober, that I was trying to unwind now (vs do calendar items) from my day which I shared with him, he started in with he had been even busier for the past two days. I said forget it and thanks for the empathy. Can't buy bread at the hardware store, how soon I forget!! I was angry and frustrated now on top of being sad & lonely. I returned to say it didn't help me to be fighting with him and had a better conversation about listening to each other and trying to understand rather than figgure out what we were going to say....... things we've heard in therapy before again & again. Told him I could accept that all these changes didn't affect him like me but I will never be him and being me is ok!! The new rountines will start soon and this transition time throws everything. He seemed to hear me but then I am discouraged as once he knows I am dealing with a lot, he stays away even more. I tried to sleep on the couch to feel like someone was holding me - silly thing! No good night or any further comment, just went to bed and will stay away from me - while to me, I'd think to keep someone company, ask them to do something, comfort,..... anything. I know they can't read your mind, but I've asked him to sit with me or get a hug and it disrupts what ever he is working on so having a hug given as being a "to do" to add to his list loses it's comfort completely.
That will never happen so without verbal, emotional or physical relationship there is nothingness. So I should work hard with Al Anon skills to live in complete nothingness when all the kids move away. I am tired of working on all this stuff for kids and for me when he doesn't do anything about anyone but himself. I am also very tired of living like this so I am glad I have kids to give me reason to keep on, keeping on every day. I am so depressed about the options left after so much work over these last seven years, live like this in denial or work on AlAnon so I keep changing for the better while he keeps doing the same ole thing. I'm on empty, depleted.......... my smoking addiction is like slow suicide. I am trying to find my sanity to live a healthier life and quit smoking but I live in insanity with cycles of slow suicide of an A. Seems so hopeless as I turn this over and over in my head, no wonder I can't sleep.
Has anyone else found a way to keep on going when they are depressed? I guess the slogans will help build new brain pathways so I don't keep sliding back to depression. Doing the same action over & over again and expecting a different result - that's my insanity for sure. I guess writing this all out really does help us to get rid of the mud so we can think clearer and change how we are thinking. I still can not see any positive or pleasant future journey but will keep trying to just take it one moment at a time. Thanks for being here MIP family. I have time for an hour nap, maybe I can sleep now as I am on empty in that area too. ddub ................... ?????????
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
When I feel that way there are a few things that help.
First thing is HALT... take a moment and figure out if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. With kids off to school and hubby to ingrossed to give you the attention you deserve... sounds like lonely might be a big one. Been there....
So, what can you do about it. Reading is a great way to learn and grow... but it doesn't help lonely. For me getting to as many F2F meetings as possible helps though.
Volunteering at the school or the library, grab some friends and go bowling or to a movie. That sometimes works for me.
Since you and I are up in the middle of the night.... sleep couldn't help. When I am over tired, the world just seems to start spinning after a while.
Be gentle with yourself... it takes a long time to get in a really bad state... and it will take some time to get back. Just know we are here for you, and I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks rtexas - just being heard helps me not feel so alone.
Still can't sleep but time to rouse the kids and take a shower to pretend I slept.
Good ideas and good reminder that things take time, getting here and getting back. It's a circle as not able to function well enough to volunteer etc but have now remembered I learned eating, getting sleep will start pulling me back up. HALT is a good thing to check first. And not a good time to figgure out my life plan until I am feeling better. Thanks for your comfort & prayers............
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Something that helped me was getting busy. There is a slogan "when I got busy I got better". I know that in the throws of depression it is difficult to try new things. I forced myself and I felt soooo much better. I did lots of things that I didn't normally do and things I had never done. Some of the things were as small as exploring a park I had never been to or a trail I had never taken. I made new frinds in Alanon and had outings with them. Sometimes lunch. One Alanon friend invited me to her sons hockey game., I said to myself "Why not?" and went and enjoyed it. When we are depressed it is so easy to think "no, that doesn't sound like something I want to do". I too was like that but I literally forced myself. Ya know what? By doing those things I came to know me. I no longer walked on eggshells afraid of stirring the pot at home. I got stronger and did things I wanted to do. I took the focus off of what I needed from my husband and replaced those things with a new attitude of what I needed for me. There were times I blew off making dinner (a lot of times) and just did something for me. My husband would say "where are you going, what am I supposed to eat?" I just smiled and said "You're a big boy, figure it out".
We inadvertantly teach people how to treat us by accepting the things they do and say to us. My time with myself helped me sort that out and know what I would no longer accept from my husband or anyone else for that matter. I learned how to say NO to many people that had expectations of me. Why shouldn't they expect me to be there for them, I always had been before.
RT's suggestion to volunteer is right on. If you don't feel you can do that, volunteer to help yourself. Volunteer to find you. Volunteer to take a walk by yourself. Volunteer to explore. Volunteer to seek serenity.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Here's what I do...take medications LOL. Then also I agree with the getting busy statement. I find that the busier I am the happier I am and I cherish the time that is mine all that much more. Right now I am starting the kids in school, still moving and cleaning the old house and living in a condo full of disorganized boxes. I still have to sign them up for daycare, I have to call the power company to give them the reading off the meter and I was mulling all this over last night all my don't forgets which of course I forgot a few. Anyway, I have felt very positive and not depressed at all, don't know if it's all the sweating and exercise from moving, or the busy chaos, sometimes I think the chaos of the A's life kept me on my toes.
Have you seen a doctor? Maybe what you are going through is actual clinical depression, in which case medication could make a big difference.You can put on the best attitude in the world, but if you are fighting a chemical imbalance, it won't help a whole lot.
And, there are other places to get hugs than from your husband (No, that's not what I mean, get your minds out of the gutter!). Yes, a little love from your lover might be what you want, but a hug is a hug, and one from a kid, or from an alanon friend (or any other kind of friend) works too. Today I was at the grocery store - I was feeling kind of down as my son is leaving for university for the first time in two days. A member of my f2f group who hasn't seen me since my husband died walked by with her cart, just stopped and gave me a big hug. Man, did it feel good - didn't realize how much I needed one.
And here's a tip from aunty lin - if you are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, forget the self help books for a month or two. Get yourself a mystery or a trashy romance or whatever is just fun. You can improve yourself a little later....
I attribute much of my sanity, living with my active A in the last few years to antidepressant meds. What they did for me was a) I SLEPT, I had terrible "primary" insomnia, couldn't fall asleep for hours and b) reorganized my neurotransmitters so that I didn't go into "the pit". They did not make me feel like a million bucks or like much of anything. But what they did do was keep me from going way down there into the depths of depression.
I think our brains get "sick" after being awash in anxiety and stress hormones after living in chaos. Antidepressants are like a "net" for me, I might fall but I don't hit the ground, I can get back up on my own. Had a great therapist explain this to me, and it was really true once I was willing to take them. I did not want to at first, fought it. But I'm so glad I did.
And I second the trashy novels over the self help books. I tend to overwhelm myself with "too much growth". Balancing the deliberate growth with pure escape and relaxation has worked for me. I have one self help book outside on the porch to read in the morning after chores, and then my fantasy novel of the day in my bedroom, I'm reading them both at the same time :D. I've read the fantasy novel about fifty times I think, and I still love it.
I'm so sorry you're missing your kids and your A is clueless . . . perhaps this down cycle will bring you some new understandings and ideas on where to get your needs met. You know you can certainly come here and just let it out . . .
Breathe. Be willing to let go of the smoking, that's good enough for now, and be kind to yourself to make up for the A's indifference. What a dweeb for not being there for you when your kids go off to college . . .
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