The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am at my wits end right now. My AH has been attending sporadic AA meetings now for abour 4 months. (Precipitatated by my taking our son to my Moms for a couple of weeks, as I work nights, and found he was hiding and drinking while I was at work) This summer has been a rollercoaster of emotions..........mostly anger at me. I just don't seem to behave or speak the say anything that is I'm supposed to. I have explained that I am trying to be sensitive to him, and the response is: Well then there is a real problem. It seems the harder I try, the worse it gets. We are able to talk about less and less.
He can say and do anything it seems, because he is changing his whole life. I have changed nothing in his words.
Have others experienced this? I know he is going through so much (though he loves to say I have NO idea about it)
I love him, I am so glad that he has made the choice to change his life.
Can I ask what I could do to change?
I can't find the line between being supportive and allowing him to control me.
Any shares you have of similar experiences would be welcome.
(((((((((skier)))))))))) those are hugs by the way
Welcome to MIP and your recovery. Just as when he is drinking... his program is completely about him... not you. This place and the rooms of Alanon are to help you learn to live a happy life reguardless of if he decides to work his program or not.
Just as his program is not to teach him how to fix you... our program is not geared at fixing him... God and AA have that job to do. A good friend reminded me of that just today.
You asked what can you do to change... well this program will help you take an honest look at yourself, what you are and are not responsable for... then you and your Higher Power can decide what changes you want to make. Our job in this program is to enourage you with our experience, strenght and hope.
We are here for you... and many of us are or have been right where you are. You are not alone. If you haven't been to one, I would recomend finding a local meeting where you live, they can be quite uplifting and supportive.
I can't say enough about what a lifeline this forum has been for me. I am very glad you are here and I hope you will continue to post.
Until you can find some literature here is a link to an alanon booklet that I found very informative. Its call the merry-go-round named denial.
http://www.bendfeldt.com/alcholism.htm
They close each meeting with the slogan... Keep coming back, it works if you work it... and you are worth it. And it is very true. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Just wanted to say welcome. I'm glad you found us. I have heard of this type of behavior. It seems to be very common in early recovery. A's are very manipulative and mine has done a good job of using his recovery tools to be even better at it. At least for a while. Now I have caught on, and refuse to be manipulated.
Anyway as the others will tell you, this forum is about you and your recovery. You have been affected by this disease as we all have. You will find much Experience, Strength, and Hope here. Also face to face meetings are very important. Look for one in your area. They can be truly uplifting.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Welcome to MIP, Skier. I couldn't say it better than Rtexas and Jen, you've been affected by the disease or condition of alcoholism and to answer your question "Is this normal??"
Oh yes. Unfortunately, it's par for the course. Much worse happens than our total frustration and stress as well.
The best thing we can do is take care of ourselves and that's what Alanon is about. It's wonderful that your A is working a program, however haphazardly, many start out that way from my experience. We dream they'll finally get sober and when they do, at least for a while, it can be worse than when they drank. They are changing, and to keep up, we have to change too.
Being your best healthy self, working your own Alanon program, is the best supportive thing you can do for him. Not to mention you.
Keep coming back here and try and get to some meetings for yourself. Ask anything. You aren't alone :) Kim
Yup it s normal , thier sober so they start looking at us . sheeeeesh hell of a way to be noticed huh ??? I hope u plan on attending al anon meetings for yourself , u need support from people who understand where your at , as your finding out sobriety is not the answer to all off lifes problems , but it sure helps . Try and remember that he is probably hanging on by a thread , 4 months is not long period of time , he is still Stark raving sober and will remain that way for awhile . Al-Anon will make it easier for you. Please find meetings for yourself as soon as possible . I was told that an A cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober , I was the old idea every one has to change not just the alcoholic . goodluck keep the focus on yourself and your going to be just fine . Louise
My A is not in recovery but when he is sober which is a lot of the time, I get a fair amount of criticism. Some may be valid. Some not. He is doesn't always communicate it in the most loving way. The best thing I have found for myself is to work this program. This has helped me a lot in dealing with my husband and helped our relationship as well whether he was drinking or not. Goldie
Skier, I have experienced exactly what you have expressed, and I know the feeling of helplessness can be overwhelming. I have heard a number of times that a recommendation from AA and Al-anon is to not make any major decisions for 6 mos to a yr - now I don't really know if that is after joining al-anon or reaching sobriety, or both, but I think the point might be about allowing time for change in both your spouse and your perspective.
That said, my AH has been sober for 7 mos now and the first 5-6 mos were atrocious! I have been attending f2f meetings since March and I truly thought I could never feel better because basically my H was a jerk (drinking or not) and our relationship stunk. What I considered my support of him, he interepreted as control. Nothing I did was right. The continual criticism, mind games, manipulation, blaming, lack of communication....he truly could turn any situation into one that was my fault. It was too much and it still is on some days, but I am learning how to detach and live my life as we figure out what the next step is. All along it has been me who has wanted our marriage to work (and I still do), but I finally realized it may not be my choice and accepted that, because our situation was making me miserable. I waited 6 mos to give him the ultimatum of divorce or working on our marriage, and amazingly he chose the latter. We will be attending a a 3 most marriage program starting in Sept. In the meantime, I no longer will be a target or available for him to attack. If I need to tell him something that he doesn't want to hear, I tell him on the phone and then hang up before he can retaliate. Though he is not actively working a program, he is not chemically influenced and I see a huge difference in him. It definately has been a gradual change with ups and downs. He is not angry and impatient anymore, though still somewhat depressed, but in a different sort of way. He is more sincerely present in our children's lives than he has ever been. He is no longer being enabled (by a number of us) and is starting to have to be a grown-up and see that ultimately he is responsible.
It's been a horrific process and I have no idea where we will end up, but I finally see some change, and for that I rejoice since we lived in a progressive hell for so long. I can only echo what the others say and encourage you to attend f2f meetings, and read as much as you can in the areas you feel you need help in. At our last marriage counseling appt (that I attended alone) I was told that in 3 yrs I was going to be a very different person. I remember feeling a jolt of hope and excitement, along with disappointment that it can take so long. However, I see now how it is journey more than anything else. I am not enjoying it by any means, and I have a long way to go, but when I look at the hell of the past and compare it to the possibilities of the future it puts it all in perspective.
Hang it there. I wish you peace.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((((((skier))))) just want to send you a big hug and let you know you are not alone. Many of us have been where you are now and I must say... that this too shall pass. During recovery the A goes through many emotions some they cannot identify themeselves. That is where AA is such a great source of support and inspiration to help the A to work through them. As they process these emotions again, sometimes they will turn away from support... but it really is when they need it most. That is when I pray HP/God will guide my AH (alcoholic husband) the strongest. I still believe one day my AH will seek recovery again. I do not talk with him about it, because he knows it has to be his decision. He does know that I support him if he does decide to return to AA. Whatever his decision, it is his to make. I know that Alanon helps me see this and accept it. All I can do as a spouse is love and try to understand. I do love him and I do know he has a disease. I hate the " disease. "
Do something for your "self" and take care of You. I try not to take his irratablilty or harshness too personally, because it really isn't about Me. Though he may try to make me believe it. It's because its not easy for him to realize its all about him and what He is feeling on the inside. He has to claim that, its' His. And I understand it's not easy for anyone to admit they need help or they are to blame for thier own lives and being miserable within, no matter the reason. I understand that now. Alanon (and these message boards) helped me to realize it.
*The Three Cs come to mind; *You cant cure it, *You didnt cause it and *You can not control it. There are many ways you can detach yourself but still remain supportive and loving towards him. Going to an Alanon meeting is one of em'., It' a truly wonderful programme, and people, the support here from others is very precious. I pray you will continue on your own path to recovery and try to focus on progress one day at at a time(ODAAT) not expectations. I found to have expectations only set me up for dissapointments. Staying in the moment and not projecting is a hard thing...lol. I have to practice it each and every day. But in doing that , I know I am able. And with Alanon, I am a better person and love life again. I realized this terrible disease was taking over our home. And.... Today, Alcoholism ., well its only an illness my AH has.. it belongs to him. Its not the main focus nor does it decide how our day will be, nor how we live. I'm grateful to be here and so grateful for Alanon, my second family...lol.
Today, I'm living it one day at a time and feelin soo blessed to be alive. Keep the Faith and Keep Coming Back. WoRk IT Because YOU ARE WorTh IT!!
just want to send you a big hug and let you know you are not alone. Many of us have been where you are now and I must say... that this too shall pass. During recovery the A goes through many emotions some they cannot identify themeselves. That is where AA is such a great source of support and inspiration to help the A to work through them. As they process these emotions again, sometimes they will turn away from support... but it really is when they need it most. That is when I pray HP/God will guide my AH (alcoholic husband) the strongest. I still believe one day my AH will seek recovery again. I do not talk with him about it, because he knows it has to be his decision. He does know that I support him if he does decide to return to AA. Whatever his decision, it is his to make. I know that Alanon helps me see this and accept it. All I can do as a spouse is love and try to understand. I do love him and I do know he has a disease. I hate
the " disease. "
care of You. I try not to take his irratablilty or harshness too personally, because it really isn't about Me. Though he may try to make me believe it. It's because its not easy for him to realize its all about him and what He is feeling on the inside. He has to claim that, its' His. And I understand it's not easy for anyone to admit they need help or they are to blame for thier own lives and being miserable within, no matter the reason. I understand that now. Alanon (and these message boards) helped me to realize it.