Boy do I understand your confusion .  Should I proceed with the big D word ?
Just remember that nothing u say or do will cause her to drink again ,any more than you were responsible for her drinking in the first place . now that she has reached out it will be a choice that she makes .
  WE have talked often and you always talk about how much u love her , perhaps a little more time before filing will work , keep doing what your doing for yourself leave her to God and AA .  I didn't think my husb and I had a hope in hell of repairing the mess we made here , but 19 yrs later I am wrong again . 
Sobriety is not easy your going to need your program even more now cause we just can't h elp but let that fantacy into our brain , this could be the answer , maybe not .
I often hear I jsut want my old spouse back === and I scream inside  NO YOU DON"T.  for me it had to be diff or it just wasn't going to BE at all .
I was not the same and sober he became more than i could imagine or hoped for . So one more time step aside and allow AA to heal her if you can .  Only you know what you can live with ,these are just my thoughts . thinking of you  Louise

(((rTX)))

I know of what you speak... for me, it took (re)finding my own hopes and dreams.  It is MY life that I live... not my wife's, or "our" life... mine, and only mine.  Happiness must come from within.

Hang in there, brother,
with love,
cj

(((RT)))

My you have been busy!  I am also very happy for your AW that she reached out for help and is going to meetings.  I'll keep her in prayer that she will continue to grow in the program.  When I first came into this program I had no idea how things in my life would turn out, I still don't know, but I'm o.k. with that.  What I do know is that today is a good day, its not perfect, we still have our issues and still working on them.  It has taken me a long time to get off the fence and come to huge realizations about myself,my AH, and my life.  I have a much better grasp of what I want and what I don't want. 

You have spent a great deal of time being patient with your AW dealing with her disease in ways she was not able to.  Grieving is part of loss and sounds like you are grieving for what has been lost and happy for what she has gained and what you have gained.  Bittersweet isn't it?  I'm happy my AH is sober today, but there is still so many unpleasant aspects about his personality that I don't care for.  It's funny because I probably saw those unpleasantries when we were first dating but I turned a blind eye to it, in my codependent mind thinking I could change him.  Ha Ha fooled again.  So today I'm living with those unpleasantries but not allowing them to steal my joy and peace. 

You have done so much work and growing in this program that today you know what you want and what you don't want.  I wish you lots of peace and joy. 

Hugs,
Twinmom~

You know even though we may know the right answer sometimes that decision is so hard to get really comfortable with. When I divorced my husband (not because of he was an alcoholic) I knew I didn't really have a choice, I knew it was the right thing, Hp really gave me a peace about that, but I still felt like I had failed, like I was/should do something else. I would just go back and forth certain that I was doing the right thing, but still feeling a loss. A loss of what I wanted, even though I had never had it--a great loving, give and take, respecting, cherishing marriage. I think we grieve for what we lost and for our loss of a "dream".

Keep plugging away. I am glad your wife is getting help. I hope you find some peace.

Dawn

Oh, I know, I so know those feelings of confusion (am i doing the right thing?), the guilt, the emotions all over the place.  Had many discussions with alanon friends during that time of indecision and confusion.  Never, ever thought I'd divorce mine.  I was dealing just fine.  Had serenity for the most part.  And on those "bad" days I had my alanon family to help me get through and see that "this too shall pass" and tomorrow will be better...and it always was.  But on the other hand, what I didn't see was all the things I lacked that actually were important to me.  I had made them unimportant.  Someone shared in a meeting "why stop at serenity when you can have joyful".  That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.  I asked my friends "am I joyful?"  (I knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from others.)  One told me she'd seen me that way in the alanon chat rooms, and a few times when we were together, but for the most part..the answer was no.  Serene, yes... joyful? no.  I had thought I could accept my life the way it was... then that veil was ripped from my eyes. 

Hubby made the choice to move out during this time, and he also made the choice to seek sobriety.  And he has stuck with that.  Still sober.  He wanted to try and work things out... and what I realized was that, even though he now is doing all I'd ever hoped for, getting sober ya know... I have changed.  I have changed a lot.  I saw what I hadn't had, what I need in my life to be joyful.. and he can't give that to me.  It wasn't just all the "issues" we had, the "behaviorisms", ... there was a real lack of real intimacy.  Intimacy... into me u see.   Those used to be just words to me... now they are not.  Now I know the real meaning and feeling of that.  And we all deserve to have that in our life.  To have a real and true partner.  "why stop at serenity when you can have joyful"

lin0606 had a great reply in the post "lies, lies, lies".  Good questions she asked there.  Really good ones. 

Our new Al-Anon book "Opening our Hearts Transforming our Losses" is also really awesome.  I've been reading thru that... get your hands on a copy.  It's awesome I tell ya!  (Did I mention its awesome? LOL)

Despite the pain and heartache, the grief and grieving, of going through the big divorce question... the good side is that you really have the opportunity to get to know yourself.  And the more I see of me, the better I like my life, the freer I feel, the happier I am ... my daughter's boyfriend said to his mom "mom, she's so happy its almost scary!" (haha!)  His mom replied "honey, thats how its supposed to be."  (Smart lady). 

I also want to reiterate... we all deserve to be joyful.  I could have made the choice of staying in the marriage and been serene... but would that have been fair to either of us?  I would know that I didn't love him as much as I could, as much as maybe someone else might be able to.  And I would be denying myself of the joyfulness I knew I could have with someone more compatible, someone who I had real intimacy with.  In my case, I know I've made the right choice.  I played that song "Shine" from Collective Soul while I was searching for my answer...it seemed appropriate... heaven shine your light down on me, give me a sign... good lyrics.   I threw the question of "what to do" out there to HP and the universe... and I got my answers.  I listened to a friend who said "don't just do something...stand there!"... and I "stood there" until I was sure.  It's okay to say "I don't know" until you do know. 

It is not our job in life to make anyone else happy at the expense of our own happiness.  Happiness is an inside job.  (Knowing this helped me with my guilt feelings.)  Hubby certainly wasn't concerned with my inner happiness, so why was I so concerned about his?  Well actually, ya know, I was concerned, but I based my decision on what was best for both of us and I knew I wasn't the source of his inner happiness or he mine.  And he'll see that in time too. 

I chose to have serenity and joyfullness in my life.  I deserve it.  We all do.  Some can have that with their A... some can't.  Individual choices.  And if you Know that you can't... it's okay... I wish you enough.

Love, Kis