The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maybe I'm making more out of this than there is. It's like since I wrote that post on Saturday about "Being a grown up" I've been flooded and thrown for a loop. I *knew* my A was a jerk and self centered and probably narcissistic whether he used or not. Though it only once came to him laying hands on me, the entire relationship was filled with some ugly abusive crap.
Why was it so hard to admit I was victimized by him? He is an abuser. Verbally, emotionally, controlling, knew my buttons and pushed them. Even worse, I submitted to it, I ate it up, and even after it was clear he was an abusive a$$ and really messed up himself, I stayed. I can't seem to get past that (right now). It's like it's all I can think about. What in the heck is wrong with me that I put up with that crap for seven years??
I feel like I let myself down in the worst way.
I know better than to wallow around in these kinds of feelings, they are what they are and kind of expected once you "realize" something you didn't realize before. My anger toward him has resurfaced and is as ugly as ever, OK, understandable . . . but I've never been this horrified at myself before. That I am that vulnerable, not like a grown up at all.
My father is a very sick man, using or not. My childhood was frequently lived in terror of him. I felt despair as a little kid, no way to escape him. No one talked about it.
So it makes perfect "sense" for me to fall prey to another abusive individual. In fact, I've been involved with several in various forms. Bosses, friends, etc. I always danced and sang for them and it never worked, and I ended the relationship or the job "defeated", hating myself for running away. Feeling used and disgusted with myself for being a failure.
Yeah I'm being hard on myself. I don't want to be. I'm just so horrified I can't seem to help it. Has this happened to anyone else when they sort of "see" stuff they didn't realize before? I could really use some ESH on this, and it would be so appreciated.
I guess you can chalk it off to an awakening or awareness. It seems when we are in the throws of alcoholism we are ever so slowly changed and manipulated without even realizing what is happening. One thing happens and we either accept or ignore it, then another and another. Before we know it we have hung in there longer then we would ever think possible. We put up with things that previously we wouldn't have. It's pretty mind bending when you stop and think about it. It's almost like being brainwashed isn't it? Little by little. Don't kick your own ass for it..lol It's a lesson learned for life that we will NEVER go there again. Never be manipulated again and never do anything we don't want to do. It's actually something to be grateful for. We can't have the wisdom not to go there unless we've been there. Learn a lesson and you can move on, fail to learn it and it is just going to keep reappearing in your life until you do.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
my esh is my abandonment issues always ruled me. I woudl do anything to avoid being abandoned. I felt abandoned early on by the A. By then we were off on the rollercaoster that was to be our life. I can look at significant times and say well I could have left then,. The issue is with his alcoholism and my codependency we were out of control. There is an article this week on the british singer Amy Winehouse screaming and carrying on in a hotel room, covered in blood fighting like crazy with her hsuband then declaring undying love. That's what it was for me. One long screaming match with the A., begging him not to leave, begging him not to behave in certain ways. I'd still be begging him if our landlord hadn't decided to sell the place we lived in. I don't know that I could stop being codependent any sooner than he ever stopped using (he hasn't to my knowledge).
The a pushed my buttons and can still push them. Right now he's talking about moving states away. He never talks about me in the picture. I dont' thnk I was ever in the picture at all. He didn't consult me for one second when he dedied to move north. He took me on a trip there and decided it was for us. He was flabbergasted when I said no. I am after all the epitome of the fearful one. I can't live without him.
I had to cut my message out early because I was called to a meeting. One other thing I would say. I have been in recovery now 20 years. I started in earnest when I was 30. I used to always beat msyefl up about when am I going to get better.The issue is I am better. Even with the A I am far far better than what I was in denial.
when I read your piece about growing up I was inspired. There was a level of honesty and analysis there that was interesting and precise and compassionate. I am not compassionate with myself but have tons for others. I can beat mysefl to smithereens. That is one way the A used to get me because I agreed with his interpreations. I should give myself away (since al anon I no longer agree with that). I am never good enough. I also no longer agree with that.
I've had many many many people say to me why didn't I leave. There were numerous reasons for staying. I stayed until i could not stay anymore and now I stay away. For me that is a minior miracle. Last night I could turn the A over to HP not to me for his safekeeping. I am no longer responsible for him. I have done all I can to get him to change he does not want to. I recognise that now. I no longer stand on my head to find a way. There is no way, he has to get to find his own way just as I have to find mine.
I know deep deep within me this tumultuous, difficult, really desperate relationship with the A will take me to anther place in my growth. I have learned so much about myself in it.
I am still humbled by your essay on growing up. I thought it was really inspiring. That messager helped me go home and face poverty and heat and overhwelming stuff. I neededit. Thank you for writing it.
For me, when I start going back and focusing on the 'why', big stick in hand, beating myself up, it's a pretty effective method for keeping me from living in the moment, from working a program of recovery for myself.
I did read your other post and it's been on my mind ever since.
Even though I walked away from the abusive relationship/subsequent marriage many many years ago, I still continued to make poor choices.
Your story sounded so much like mine.
EVERY time my life got more stressful than usual, when I wasn't comfortable with 'self', I gave in to that damnable illusion of the knight in shining armor because basically I wanted some relief from the responsibilities of life.
I picked the sickest one every time.
I am ashamed to say the last one was internet 'love'. He moved in with me after driving straight up from Florida. I was wading through 6 months of misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis while on Workman's Comp (that was a nightmare unto itself), barely making ends meet, wanting to be 'rescued'.
That one ended up costing me any self-respect I have might had had (which was not much).
When I finally saw the pain in my children's eyes, and the pain in my granddaughter's eyes, it hit me right between the eyes just what an impact my poor choices made on those around me, NOT JUST ME!
It has been very hard growing up since then, and that was 8 years ago. But by God, I have worked hard to not act on those feelings of wanting a knight in shining armor. I have learned to respect myself again, and today am grateful for those years I was a mess because today I AM a better person for having lived that.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
what an incredible thread this is. The knight in shining armour is my huge vulnerabilty. I will be so happy to see where this goes. I feel so glad you started this off Kim. This is core recovery issues for me. I find this addictive stuff and very very hard to let go of.
I can still somehow in my fanasies see the A changing from the bankrupt, about to go to jail mess he is in to being the person I need to come home to because I feel I need that somuch. I feel very alone, isolated and desperate and I want to make him into something he isn't. That is why I need to keep stating what he is rather than what I think he could be.
Kim easy does it girl , give yourself a break ( hugs ) beating yourself up for what u didn't do won't help anyone . Forgive yourself for allowing your husb to treat you the way he did , you did the best you could at the time . When we know better we do better. and your doing just fine . Your taking responsibility for your part in this mess so i would say your growing up just the way your supposed to . Why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves -we don't seem to have trouble forgiving those who hurt us over and over again . I was with a friend when some one asked her if she believed God had for given her , she replies Yes I do . He said then Quit playing God and get on with your life , time to let it go . we can't change the past but we can take better care of us in the future . keep doing what your doin . You say u feel like you let yourself down , well I can relate to that . I abandoned myself along time ago. Long before I met and married my husb I was in trouble . that one took me awhile to admit . hehe Louise
We just learn to live on faith. Faith that things can change, faith that we will know what to do in those situtations, faith that our HP will come through. We just believe they can change because we have been brought up as little girls to believe in fairy tales. Then when we realize there is no such thing we are crushed. It's not our fault, it's actually a great quality we hold in ourselves. We have faith and we all things are possible. But........all things are possible through our HP not from anything we can do. Take it easy sweetie.
Oh Kim do I ever know what you mean. My A has never been physically abusive, but he has violated over and over the one quality that I always have held dearest, and that is honesty. I sometimes kick myself for not being able to find a man who can truely be honest. My relationships are always with men who lie and don't trust women. The last one who was also an Addict and also was not physically abusive, would tell me anything I wanted to hear and then do just the opposite. He put me down and always acted like he couldn't trust me. This always has boggled my mind because I have always considered myself to be extremely trustworthy. I realize now that I always allowed them to manipulate me into being untrustworthy. I couldn't be trusted to not react to their bad behavior, and I always eventually justified it for them, by allowing them to push me off the deep end emotionally. I think this is the heart of my codependency. That and a pure lack of self confidence. I always want the tall dark rugged cowboy. The knight won't do it for me.LOL Anyway, its a myth all the same. I am reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beatie for the 3rd time. It is amazing how much I get from it. Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this. Just try to be gentle with yourself, Kim. We all have our lessons to learn. Some are just harder than others. Some times they have to be presented to us more than once before we start to get it. But we do eventually get it. What a great topic. It's like rich organic fertilizer for the recovering soul. Sorry that sounds like bs, literally.LOL. But you know what I mean. In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Your post really spoke to me. Sometimes when I am in this kind of hard place, I say to myself "Be gentle with yourself, little grasshopper" .
Since my 7-year relationship ended, I have really struggled with my tremendous anger, too. Over the last month or two, I have woken up in the mornings quite freqeuntly and eaten anger for breakfast. A big part of my anger, in fact the majority of my anger, has been directed at myself for staying in a relationship in which many hurtful behaviors were occurring and staying in a relationship in which I became so obsessed with trying to change my partner that I stopped growing. How could I not see these things? I ask myself?
Somehow being in this last relationship knocked the confidence right out of me, and I am really struggling to regain a sense of myself. I acknowledge the anger that I have and try to be honest about it and own it--it's my anger and I need to take responsibility for it and work through it.
At the same time, over the last few weeks, I feel like I have gotten to a turning point. Walking down the street one night, the words that we say the beginning of each Alanon meeting "Changed attitudes can lead to recovery" suddenly echoed in my mind. I had always thought this saying meant to change my attitude toward the alcoholic. But that night, with a jolt, I realized that my attitude towards myself stinks. Since then, I have been trying simply be kinder and gentler towards myself, to change my attitude toward myself. For me, that means not just seeing where I fall short, but also trying to acknowledge, really see, and honor my strengths. It's HARD but it's been worth it. I have also been asking my higher power to show me that I am made in her/his image, with her/his qualities reflected in me. This helps me because it centers me in my HP and not in my past relationship where I felt like such a failure.
I see so much strength and goodness in your posts. I see someone who is strong, resourceful, and engaged in her recovery. Not just anyone could end up in the wilderness on a farm in such a terrible situation and manage not only to extricate themselves from a harmful situation, but decide to stick it out and make the farm a haven. What helps me is to remember that there is no ES&H without genuine life experience, and I have certainly had that, and so have you.
Glad you are here and sharing your sturggles with us.
Kim, we get pulled into that A pit and we lose our sense. I told you I would not even see the cobwebs, or that I needed to do my eyebrows!
Now one thing we have not talked about lately is denial. Kim I worked with kids at risk. I was with people on drugs when I was a kid. But when my son was messing with it, I did not see it.
Denial is not something we even know we are doing. Sometimes the thing is so horrible, our hearts and minds block it out.
To be abused, used and sucked dry from a loved one is pretty awful. We are in denial. We don't realy face what is going on. I sure did not with my AH. Up until a year ago I still would go into denial mood and believe in him, trust, and the whole time being abused/used/ sucked dry.
Please forgive yourself. You are coming awake. Some people never do. You have realized it, looked back. I promise in a few days you will feel better. It is all temporary. Nothing stays the same.
You are making an Eden right there on your land Kim. It is home, serene, clean, real, loving. Much love,debilyn
Thanks so much for all the support. I guess I needed to get his out of my head and let go of it. I just needed to face myself and admit that it really happened. After the events of the last year, which I don't have trouble seeing clearly, when it came to "my part" in putting up with the ongoing abuse, it was ugly to me.
There's a little voice that tells me I shouldn't have to need help and I'm doing something wrong if I need help. If I ask for it I will be humiliated. And when someone comes along and sucks me in with promises to take care of me, I'll never need to ask for help again. All my needs will be met without even having to ask because he is the Knight in Shining Armor.
Reminds me of a statement I heard *somewhere* :) : There is a huge difference between a damsel in distress and a distressed damsel.
I'll admit this here and let it go too . . . I've felt that abused women were weak and afraid of their own shadow. They are gullible and sick and masochistic. They "get" something from the pain of being abused, which is really sick. In fact, women who put up with abuse kind of made ME sick. Gee, I wonder why? When I protested the A's abusive behavior, one of his responses was "You are so pathetic. You disgust me." Just like dear old Dad.
Talk about a massive projection. I sort of underwent a shift in my thinking about people in general once the A and I were together. He thought most people were pathetic manipulators, especially people who cried "abuse!!" His disgust was very apparent. I shut up and believed him. I stuck my nose up in the air too. It sure kept me from looking down at what I put up with, for a long time it worked.
I've spent quite a bit of time reading over "abuse" sites, reading forum posts from abused people. I haven't done much else honestly. I need to pace myself here, it's like pulling my finger out of the dyke and the whole thing starts to crumble. It's humbling, that's for sure. But I'm also reading MUCH compassionate feedback and support as well. These pathetic, disgusting abused women are being treated with extreme concern, respect and even honor. Whoa. By survivors of abuse. Kinda like Alanon, eh.
On an equally positive note, I got another insight into my A that puts some stuff to rest. Maybe I shouldn't even go there, this isn't about him . . . but considering I was vulnerable to his kind of person, I give myself permission to analyze my head off.
He's not able to put himself in another's place, and he's empty inside, and all my LOONGG into the night conversations with him, pleading or just expressing what I wanted from him, they all went right over his head. Like trying to teach table manners to a racoon. No framework exists, he might "follow" what I asked by rote but he could never get "the big picture" and I'd be reinforcing and enforcing boundaries with him as long as I lived, even if he got sober and began living a decent life. It's the kind of person he is. And you know what? I definitely do not want to spend the rest of my life reparenting a grown man. I have other plans. I was already sure . . . but like Mary said, I just HOPED he'd one day see the burning bush and hear the Voice of God and then he'd be a normal husband and so forth into the sunset.
No. He couldn't do it, it's not in him, and he never really understood a word I said. I never was dealing with a 'normal guy' beneath his addictions. It helps put this whole episode to rest.
So I guess going through this temporary meltdown was good after all. I will remind myself over and over that this awful experience was indeed awful, but I'll never be the same in a GOOD way again. What is that saying? Look back but don't stare.
I'm so glad I have a place to share this hard stuff, and people to jump in and reorient me back to hope and self-love. Thanks again :) Kim
I have 7 years in and not only that this is my second set of 7 years with an abusive addict/alcoholic and I don't have the terrorizing father excuse either!!! Trust me, for a long time I questioned myself and felt so stupid for believing the obvious lies, just wanting so much for them to be true, giving chance after chance. Now I'm a 36 year old woman with 3 kids, overweight and living 3000 miles from my family. Also, all the men are short and rednecky around here so I feel my good years are gone, all the good ones are taken and my time was wasted. I guess I haven't really thought too much about that lately, I have been so busy with other things and every time I think about even looking for a man I just think it's not worth the trouble - having to think of someone else all the time before you do anything, it's hard enough to do that with 3 kids much less another adult.
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