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I think this character defect of a's is one of the things I hate the most!! My a got is one year chip last Sat., and I am very thrilled for him, but man I just don't think that some of the character defects will ever go away!!! Last night was so frustrated with him! He has decided to start taking money out of his weekly paycheck to put into "his savings" account. Fine--all for that really, except that I wasn't consulted, just came home and declared this is what I did and will do every week now. He is saving up for a big hunt, which is always something he has wanted to do. I understand that too! The thing is we are having a baby-due in Jan. and I have only 8 sick days built up. I have no idea how I will go back to work after 8 days, if I don't go back to work I don't get paid--since my paycheck is what pays for all the bills...well you know what that means. Any time I try to talk about finances he just says, "if you're going to worry, why pray, and if you pray why worry." While I get that, trusting in my HP doesn't mean I sit around and do nothing! Then he just says if you would use the credit cards---I don't--our debt is from the past of me not having a way to make ends meet and using them then. Anyway--so I was trying not to become upset when he talks about borrowing money come Thanksgiving time to go on a hunt. I told him I didn't understand if he was saving for a hunt, why he needed to take out a loan (it is so he can get a HUGE deer--be the best you know). So he gets irritated with me, says well this is something I have always wanted to do and my dad would never let me do it and now you won't. Which I got more mad (correct Eng???) and told him I never told him he couldn't and I have NEVER stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do!! I just said it would be nice if he would consider me and the family before making such an expensive decision. Of course he walked away, b/c he was through talking. I went about and did my thing, then later he says well I won't go and come November when I'm going crazy cuz I haven't seen a deer and haven't been able to kill one and you are just worried to death waiting for the night I come home drunk, or maybe by that time you'll be praying I'll just go get drunk b/c I'll be so nuts, you'll wish I had just gone and spent that money. So I said 1. don't lie to me we both know you're going no matter what and 2. don't you dare blame me for a drunk that you just might take upon yourself!!! He just started to laugh and said "Fine miss codependent no more, you've learned too much in al-anon". Of course this morning he is just fine, wanted to hug and kiss on me and I still just wanted to "smack" him! Sometimes I feel like the only adult in our relationship--it gets exhausting!!!
As I'm reading your post I'm seeing several episodes just like this in my house. In my house its the music equipment, the band practices, the shows that he is selfish about and quite protective. I cannot speak one negative word about music without him getting extremely defensive and combative. I am learning to keep my mouth shut, but it still burns me up when all he can think about is buying his music equipment and all I want is to save money and improve our home, or actually take a vacation. There's just not enough money to go around for both, but if there is a will there is a way. My AH can also pull the "your just so smart with your Alanon crap" thing when he gets angry as well. The selfishness is still there and its been 5 months, I do believe it will take quite a long while for him to learn how to be selfless and giving. Some days I see it, while other's he's right back to thinking about himself. So, I give myself permission to be a little selfish too. It feels good to give to me some days. Keep hanging in there.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Selfishness was never one of my a's problems, he always came home gave me the whole check and it went where it went. If he went out on a runner he would rack up credit cards in the hundreds or even thousands.
Do you have short term disability insurance? I got this when I had my last son and it lasts for about 8 weeks or something like that. you have to go one week without pay which your sick time would cover and then you could get the disability and it's about 60% of your income. Also, I'm confused are you paying ALL the bills?
I am looking into short term disability. I thought they might consider it a preexisting condition b/c I am already pregnant, but my friend said she was able to sign up and get it after she was pregnant--so I am hoping to do the same.
Yes, I am paying all the bills, b/c everything is in my name. When we got married he moved into my place and then b/c his credit was already so bad I never tried to put his name on anything....and so now I have to float everything, b/c he just doesn't seem to think credit should be an issue---his wonderful fix is that I should just declare bankruptcy. That may not be anything about alcoholism, but I still see that as stinkin' thinkin'. If eventually I have no choice, I know there are plenty of people out there who do it and don't have a choice and aren't doing to just get out of responsibility, but my parents thinking is drilled into me--you got yourself into the mess, your responsible to get yourself out.
Thanks for the advice about short term disability!
(((((((((((hudsond))))))))))))) I can really relate to feeling like the only adult, especially when finances come into play. In California, you would be eligible for state disability (short term disability). The length depends on whether you have a cesarean or natural child birth. Also, they passed an extension in 2004 (three months after my daughter was born, so I just missed it), where you can extend your disability by a few weeks, so I think the max here now is over 10 weeks. I got very bad information from my human resources department at work back then, but great information from my OBGYN's office. They really know how all of that works. Hopefully one of those places will give you some good guidance for your leave.
Have you looked into WIC in your area? Don't know if you've ever been on it before, but it's been a great help to me and my kids. It's income based, but provides women and kids with healthy foods: milk, eggs, cheese, peanut butter or beans, juice. It will also allow you to get formula. The program covers kids to age 5, but it also covers women when they're pregnant. Each state runs its own program, but with milk $4 a gallon these days, it's really been a blessing for us.
The website for the national program is: http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/
I started to reply to this differently.... but I changed my mind. Here is a little background.
When I was young I would get home from school at 4:30 hop off the bus go in the front door and put my books down.... grab my shotgun and walk out the backdoor straight into the woods and hunt til dark.
I love the outdoors and my kids have inherited the gene so to speak.
You got some wonderful, and thoughtful information about how to make ends meet, but here is what I told my son (21) who wanted a 2500 hunt for his birthday. You go get a side job and earn that 2500 bucks and I will pay the 350 dollars to mount that deer for your birthday. I am not going to miss my mortgage payment because you like to hunt.
Now, he was pissed at first, but he earned the money... and now has a deer mounted that is so big it won't fit in his apartment. And he is thrilled and proud that he earned it.
Now, sticking with Alanon guidelines... I would never tell you what to do... just my few cents worth of experience...
You are both in my thoughts and prayers as always...It is wonderful to see the largest struggle at the moment is if he can shoot the "big one" this year before you clock him in the head for being selfish. I mean that in the nicest way... you guys have been through a lot and it is a wonderful testiment to how this program can work if you work it. *smile*
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Dawn, Thanks for starting this thread, as it is so timely. My AHsober just left to go on his annual fishing trip with his college buddies for 5 days. He is self-employed and he was unable to get coverage for himself, thus we will take a huge hit financially. Didn't even consider not going or cutting the trip short. He, too, tried the guilt thing, attempting to defend his decision by saying that he needed to go so he wouldn't get in the same situation as before (exhaustion & drinking) by not taking any vacations. I very kindly told him that he had plenty of fishing vacations just no family vacations, and then I got off the phone in a hurry so that he couldn't get angry, defensive, blaming, etc. I was able to leave him alone with his thoughts. Or should I say my thoughts. Anyhow, it was great and there was no further negativity out of the interaction.
In regard to his "vacations"- in the past our bookeeper and myself have aways covered the shortage by stressing, juggling money, etc. We trained my AH, so to speak, and allowed him to not be responsible. This time it will be different in that our bookeeper told him the situation we are in when he left and she will tell him where we are at upon his return. The only person he will have to blame will be himself. It's gonna hurt all of us, but maybe, just maybe it will make a difference for next time and he will think of his business and family before his fishing trip. I can only hope....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thanks everybody for the feedback, support, info help, and all!
I really would love for him to be able to go on a the big hunt he has always wanted to go on and if I weren't expecting and needing time off to recup after I really wouldn't care if he went. He is saving the money--it would be helpful to pay off debt as well, but at least we aren't getting further in debt!!! I know he loves hunting, always has, and I don't want to take that from him, it's just not the time for this "big" thing.
I wish I qualified for WIC but it is income based and with his salary and mine we don't qualify. Our problem isn't a lack of income it is way too much debt and govt. agencies don't take that into consideration. I know I brought it all on myself---not meaning too, but always trying to fix things before by buying him whatever he wanted or doing whatever he wanted hoping that whatever that was would get him away from the drugs/alcohol. After 4 years (I guess I'm a slow learner) I figured out that it had absolutely nothing to do with things and that wasn't the answer. Unfortunately I still have to pay for it!
