The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We celebrating my daughter's 5th bday Sat at Chuck-E-Cheese. My AH and his mom & grandma went w/us. We had a good time there. And he was in an incredible mood. Smiling and laughing and of course getting too affectionate towards me AGAIN. Then I screwed up and asked him if he wanted to go w/me and the kids to the mall. I was going to get some school clothes for our son and my AH is better at it than me. Our son tends to take his advice better than mine. Ya know, dad is so cool and mom is such a dork.
So the affection picked up while we were at the mall. And at one point he tol dme he was horny. I just looked at him like he was crazy and told him that was his problem not mine. Then he asked me what I was doing to take care of that problem for myself. Was I getting some on the side? I just gave him another like he was crazy and said in an "a matter of fact" way that it was none of his business. That is when his attitude changed for the worst. He asked me if that was it. If there was no chance of us ever getting back together. That he needed to know what my plans were.
Now this pisses me off. We've had this discussion before and it amazes me how he seems to forget. How he thinks that shooting me that adorable grin and carefree laugh and I will just take him back. And I will have to admit.....it was HARD turning him away Saturday. Only b/c I have been feeling very weak and very lonely over the last week. I have found myself longing for affection and hating myself for it. But I am proud that I did not give in to my physical needs. I knew that it would be a mistake if I allowed anything to happen b/c being w/him is truly not what I want. I was just missing being touched and hugged. I did tell him that we were through. There is no chance of reconciliation. This of course made him mad. He told me that we needed to get together Friday at the bank to have our divorce papers notorized so we can both move on. I said ok.
I was sad Sunday. Not b/c of the eminate divorce. That is what I want. But I guess b/c I know I am hurting him. I know he loves me and always will. He is just so messed up in the head that he cannot truly put anyone but himself first. He will always be that way. Sure he may go months of putting me and the kids before his own needs but it won't last long. Too much heartache. To much chance of catching some disease from him. Too much sadness. I know I can never truly be happy as long as I stay on this roller coaster ride w/him. This divorce IS what I want. It just caught me off guard this weekend. I don't think I am doing a very good job verbalizing this to y'all. Sorry. Just rambling. Thanks for listening.
Yep! You did just fine verbalizing it for me. I could have written it myself. I know what you mean; "We've had this discussion before and it amazes me how he seems to forget. How he thinks that shooting me that adorable grin and carefree laugh and I will just take him back. And I will have to admit.....it was HARD turning him away Saturday. Only b/c I have been feeling very weak and very lonely over the last week. I have found myself longing for affection and hating myself for it. But I am proud that I did not give in to my physical needs. I knew that it would be a mistake if I allowed anything to happen b/c being w/him is truly not what I want. I was just missing being touched and hugged." My brain knows it's just a matter of time before it get worse again. My heart wants to hold on. My A says things like, well if you are going to keep this against me thats your problem. It still blows my mind that he can act like it only has happened once before.
I'm at the same stage in this as you are. My brain knows he will always be this way. My brain knows that he isn't cabable of understanding. My heart knows that in order to heal myself I have to get out. I'm moving out at the beginning of Oct. maybe sooner. Just trying to pack my stuff after 17 years of marriage. This courage thing is hard. Some days I just cry and feel like I don't have any of it left. By morning I find enough to get through another day...Thats all I can do for now...My thoughts and prayers are with you
Oh girl, oh girl, oh girrrrrrrrrrrrrl. It's so damn confusing isn't it? I've filed for divorce three times and actually cancelled the third one today. I can not bring myself to do it but then again......my Ahsober is four hours away and lives on the other coast so I don't have to be around him. If I had to live with him I would have probably signed the first time. It all sucks, there is nothing good about it. I watched a play the other day and it said that some people mistake when people come into their lives because some people are meant to be in our lives for a season and some for a lifetime and we get confused and marry the one's that were only supposed to be for a season. Try to look at it that way. Take all the good times and lock them away and forget all the bad. He was only supposed to be for a season. :) Lots of love sweet.
I am sad for you but I do know how you feel. I also understand very very very well how an A ca manipulate. The A I have been with is a master at it. What he will never understand is I want honesty and vulnerability not manipulation.
It sounds like you did just great. It's definitely not easy. I filed for divorce from my A/Cocaine addict H almost one year ago. I have a couple of quotes I kept in mind through that period of time.
"Life is like a book, don't look back, just turn the page."
"When remaining the same is more painful than the pain of change, change becomes easier."
I still have them tacked on my bulletin board here by my computer. I know now that I made the right decision... but it truly was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Good luck to you! Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
You did a great job verbalizing. I have fallen for the same thing. Just recently as a matter of fact. I understand the lonley and weak feelings. I share them with you. I wanted my divorce and even though it is the best thing for me and the kids it still hurts. I so want to believe he is what I want and need him to be. He's not. I am in the same boat, let's keep rowing!
Thanks to all for your awesome support. Going into all of this, I thought, I am strong. I am tough. I don't need a man or affection or anything for that matter that I cannot provide for myself. LOL. I guess I forgot how wonderful it feels to be in someone's arms. To have my neck kissed or hand held. All of those wonderful affections that so many take for granted in a relationship. Heck...I am guilty of taking them for granted all of these years. The thing is, I don't necessarily want them from my AH. Just want them. I bet anyone would do for a temporary fix. Of course I won't even go down that road. I guess that is why I almost fell into that trap that my AH was laying for me Saturday.
I had fallen in that trap before. Just back in the spring. He ended up moving back in w/me. I am not willing to do that again. I have come so far to take such a huge leap backwards. I must stay strong and I know I can stay strong w/the support from all of you awesome folks here at MIP. I love y'all all so much. Thank you so much for the great ESH. Hope you are all having a great night.
I am taking my daughter to the movies tomorrow and maybe to lunch to celebrate her bday one on one. A kind of a mom and daughter bonding day. A well needed day off of work and so beyond deserved.
I swear everyone here is married to my husband LOL. Word for word what he says to me only I haven't gotten to the it's over there is no hope. I know exactly what you mean about hurting his feelings. I guess when he gets out of jail and doesn't know where I live anymore that might be a clear message? LOL I know that lonliness too but it also passes eventually. I have given up, there are no decent prospects around here! I have also been sucked into the hanging out trap and OF COURSE there has to be somone else because he is SO wonderful you couldn't possibly prefer being alone! LOL I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!
I think that it is the games that alcholics play. I am learning that with my AHsober that everything he says and does it part of the game even the good stuff. Stick to your guns.
I know where you are...I have been in your shoes, exactly..all i can say to you is do what you have to to for you...You must survive girlfriend....the world of addiction is insane...the sad truth is that addiction is stronger and bigger than some people....some addicts, like my husband as much as they want to they just can not beat it, it is just too great
Wishing you peace of mind with the decisions you are making....happiness I hope is just around the corner for you...
