The material presented
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I haven't posted in a while but I have lurked. I must admit that I split my time between this site and another that deals with emotional manipulation/abuse. The good news is that for the most part, the rules are the same for both A and EA...Detach and Take care of yourself.
I am trying to let go of resentful/distrustful feelings. I am living life and I have a decent life most of the time. One of my dear friends has been taking me out to stores so we can giggle over baby stuff and maternity clothes. I don't have the money to buy any of it, but it sure does feel good to enjoy my pregnancy with someone. I hate the feeling I get when I have to go home though.
He is trying...but its so hard for me to know if its just the cycle of "oh c**p, I really messed up, time to make nice" before the next storm. I guess I can't know and I should let it go. I'm choosing to stay for right now, and while I don't think I should forget...for now, maybe I should forgive.
On an up note, I came home the other day, the garbage had been taken out, the dishes done, and the bathroom cleaned (methinks...I even smelled bleach...heh!). I didn't even ask...I've given up on the asking...it was nice. I can't do much housecleaning right now because of doc's orders.
Side note: sorry mind so scattered right now...finally have an official OB/GYN. Baby is still growing at 11.5 weeks, good heartbeat...BUT not out of the woods yet. My cervix is not as tightly closed as they would like (especially for a woman w/no prior pregnancies, abortions, etc...) Monday I go in to the high risk unit to have the fancy Ultrasound done to see whether the inner opening is closed tightly. If it is...we're good to go...If not...well I'd prefer not to think on that too much. I'm so emotionally exhausted...I just want to get the thumbs up on this pregnancy.
AH asked me last night why I didn't remind him about my appointment. I didn't answer...so he responded, "I remember you saying something about it the night before, I forgot, I'm sorry." I thought that was a good sign...as least it wasn't "You NEVER told me!" like he has tried in the past. He was asked to pick up Monday and Tuesday for work...but he told them that he could only do Tues. He told me that he wants to go to the Doc appt on Monday. I figure that too is a good sign. I didn't ask him to go...I just told him about it and showed him the ultrasound pics from the Thursday appt.
I just want to really forgive him...I don't want to be resentful. Yes, he called me horrible names and I'm not okay with that...and I let him know that it wasn't okay to EVER do that...but it has been 10 days since then and I feel like I should move forward.
Hi Lil, ten days isn't all that long . . if he's really sorry, he'll have all the patience YOU need to forgive and move along. Was it the first time he's ever called you horrible names? It makes a difference IMO if it were the first time . . . everyone gets one epileptic seizure according to a doc friend I had years ago :) without having to submit to invasive testing. One episode of name calling versus MANY episodes makes for a different story.
This is my gut feeling, and I may be "wrong" or misguided being fairly new at this myself. I really understand the struggle to forgive, for me it's come in stages. First was when I realized in my heart he is a very sick man. A sick person inspires pity more than anger and resentment. It helped me with my boiling resentment against him, which of course freed up a great deal of emotional energy for me. Forgiveness? I thought I was making progress there myself, but lately I'm questioning what forgiving him means to ME.
I struggle off and on feeling kinda "mushy" toward him, like maybe he'll see the light, you know? And maybe . . . then a new wave of "stuff" and realizations about what was going on hits me, and I am reminded my A is abusive, has threatened to bash my skull in if I ever called the cops on him or turned him in (which I did, thus the RO).
So "forgiving" him means something different to me now than it did a couple weeks ago. I don't know what else to say about it. I DO intend to forgive him, I am totally willing, but all the dust hasn't settled yet, it's only been a little over two months.
Hopefully an ole timer :D will step in and give a more practical ESH on forgiveness.
Not really an old timer here so no real ESH on forgiveness. Still working on that one myself too. Just wanted to say ((((Lil))). Glad to hear from you. I look forward to the answers you may get, too.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I was always so eager to get back to that warm loving feeling, that I would deny my own reality, just to get there. No wonder I felt slightly sick all the time - although on the surface I could feel fine again, deep inside I knew I was denying.
That you are angry, hurt, scpetical and untrusting right now does not mean that you need to work harder on forgiving, it means that your internal sensers are working - those are appropriate emotions when you have been badly hurt. If you burned your hand, would you be working on trusting that the stove top won't do that next time? Would you never trust the stove again, and stop cooking? Or would you find ways to protect yourself, and get the benefits of having the stove around? You would also want to treat the burn, so it doesn't develope an ugly and painful scar, that would keep you from using your hand fully. My analogy is starting to break down a bit but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
Distrust and fear are appropriate, so soon after the offense. They are there to protect you, while you learn new ways of getting close to him while still taking care of yourself. Eventually, as you heal, you will be able to discard them, and find healthier responses (assuming that the change in him is real, and he really is working on getting better himself .). Bitterness and hate, however, will scar. For me, the best way to deal with the bitterness and hate was to accept the reality of what he was. Stop expecting him to behave like a sane and healthy person, and then being disappointed when he didn't. That is where "Yes, it is a disease" came in, for me. It made it possible for me to have some compassion for his pain, while still taking care of myself.
For me, I wasn't able to forgive until I realized that I needed to do it for ME, and for my emotional health. I was adamant that I wasn't going to forgive HER, for all the wrongs she had done to me.... Then my very wise sponsor showed me that I was using this anger & lack of forgiveness as a way of playing the victim, which was my forte.... I HATED hearing that, but it was sooooo true.
Forgiveness is for OUR sake and our sanity. I wanted to get better, so I finally forgave her (for the most part, lol)
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
At one time, I had wanted to forgive some hideous name calling (said while AH was sober) as well as infidelity. I asked folks how to do it, read up on program advise, etc. I was told to pray for people that hurt me and eventually I would feel forgiveness. So, of course I didn't do this, at least not diligently. The best way I have found so far is to work my program, the steps and the tools. Although I may feel some compassion for him at times, I still get angry when I dig up the memories of how he hurt me. When I dig them up and stir myself up with hurt and anger again, I am doing it to myself. I want to feel good, so I try to remember that I am powerless over him, the past, etc and it makes no sense to make myself feel bad by digging up the memory and hurt. I do this for me and not for him so that I can have a good day. By the way, congrats on your pregnancy. I am pregnant also. 37 weeks. Take what you like and leave the rest.
