"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

the secrets....

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Lou))))))))))

Those are tough and confussing times. So good that the kids getting some help too. Secrets and shame are very real actors in this little play. I am learning (slowly) that some of those secrets that are so hard to hold are not mine at all.

The drinking, and infidelity.... I found those were not my secrets... they belonged to my wife and she can do with them what she wants.

Seperation... well, for most it is sufficient to tell the truth with grace and no guilt or shame. "We have some things that need to be worked out between us." That is my honest answer.

You didn't say how old your kids are... but being frank, honest and just the facts has worked well with my kids so far. They seem far more concearned with are they going to be ok... when I can assure them they will be, the rest is just details.

Just wanted to share with you and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers ....

Take care of you!

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning Lou!!

Having only lived in a small town myself for two years, I can relate to a degree anyway. My neighbor told me a month back or so that it was generally believed I was involved in the drug scene with my A (EVERYBODY knew everything, more than I myself knew thanks to the grapevine in a small town). Rather horrifying to say the least.

It then occurred to me that my silence on the subject, with neighbors and acquaintances, actually led townsfolk to "fill in the blanks" themselves, lacking any other info. A consequence of "keeping secrets" perhaps.

I realize what anyone "thinks" of me is more about them than about me . . . . mainly because of the secrets I've kept, they really do NOT know me, how could they? I've been holed up here. Secondly, the old Alanon adage "what you think of me is none of my business" has helped me let go of trying to control other people's impressions. They will "get" me or they won't. I myself "get" me, my friends "get" me, and any other impressions are none of my beeswax and nothing I can control in the first place.

For me I believed by keeping my A's stuff a secret I was controlling what others thought of me. Ha! Sorta backfired I guess. And the effect of keeping a secret on ME, now that's been a real learning experience. What were my own motives, and did I accomplish what I thought I would (by hiding out here, no contact with anyone?). Hardly! Like I said, I was shocked at what people thought, once I started talking to them. I never would have thunk it.

My motive was control, anyway. But it was an illusion.

I had to laugh a little when you said your H "kept no secrets" about YOU so he could be Mr. Victim. Last summer I began to get little comments from people or "hear" others mentioning our marital problems. Wha??? Turns out my A was confiding in his 20-something year old "friends" about us, how I refused to sleep with him, how I was a total bitch and no wonder he was so miserable he had to drink and use. The A once casually mentioned he was discussing "my lack of sex drive" (my sex drive is FINE, BTW :D) and the antidepressant I take being the 'cause' of it with an unnamed friend ("doesn't matter who it is"). At the time I was extremely offended but now I have to laugh.

Talk about control! And my lack of it. I had an A out there telling 'whoever' about my sex life! In a small town. Ugh.

At least I didn't (it's not me anyway) retaliate in kind. Didn't need to! No secrets anymore, with the A living in a trailer park at the edge of town, unable to set foot on his own property, no sheriff around will "cooperate" with him to come get the rest of his SHOES.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the chips fall where they fall, and you and I have very, very little control over where they fall. And I suspect (as you do too, I'm sure) that your townsfolk know A LOT more about your marital issues, and HAVE known, than you realize. In fact, because your A is prominent in your community, you can prolly take it to the bank.

Yet you are still respected, your children still have friends. There is no perfect family out there. Every single person has their dirty little secrets.

Thanks for posting this, it really hits close to home. I hope sharing my lovely experiences has helped a little, at least for you to know I understand your thinking and struggle with many of the same issues :)

Have a splendid Sunday . . . isn't your marital therapy in September? I hope you'll keep us posted on how that goes. :) Kim

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Loupiness))))))),

I understand your position. At the same time, for me, not in a million years would I take the fall for someone. I will always accept my part and responsibility for a relationship. After all it takes two. Frankly, it's no one business as to why you are separated or divorced. If people are so concerned why you did what you did, then you have the right to tell them as much as you want to or not. You don't have to be malicious about it. Just because a couple goes their own way, does not, for me, make me want to do business with them. If he's in a counceling position, it does not change my feelings. I think no more, no less of people because they have divorced. It is certainly not a factor in determing if I would do business with them.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Lou)))

My A and I are in business together. I have found that people around here are pretty forgiving. I don't shout it from the rafters, but I told my A 2 years ago I would not lie for him. And I don't. I do not make excuses. I am honest with people when the subject comes up. That's it. Some people I give less detail than others as it is really not their business, but I do not hide it. I feel better inside for the honesty.

Anyway, that is my experience.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I always tried to "look in mirror" and examine my motives. If I was saying something to deliberately harm the A, then I stopped (or tried to). If I was simply being honest to a question, or a legitimate inquiry, or felt I need to share it for my own well being, then I felt free and able to do so.

In the immortal words of a family friend:

"the best thing about telling the truth is you never have to try to remember what you told somebody".

Tom

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Kim - it is so unlikely that these things are really secrets. The more prominent you guys are, the less chance that no one knows what is going on. Or that SOMETHING is going on. The stories going around are probably much worse than the truth.

And, it is not your problem. Your kids will only feel shame about this if you give them shame - they have done nothing, why should they be ashamed? YOU need only feel shame about your own shameful actions, if there were any. Your husband can take care of himself.

I would go for honesty, tempered by how close you are to the person you are talking to. That is, someone who you feel the desire to be close and honest to, tell everything. Someone you have never liked and don't trust, say something meaningless (but true) "It didn't work out". You don't owe anyone the story of the breakup of your marriage, and very few people will ask you for details anyway. However, what you DO say should be true - not for anyone's sake but your own. Secrets and lies are such hard work, and you have better things to be doing than to keep them.

Think about the people you really care about in your town, and the ones you honour and respect. Does marital status have much to do with it? Do some of them have black sheep in the family? How many of the kids your children go to school with have divorced parents? Do you judge them for that?

My kids started to heal from the scars of living with my husband's drinking the day we sat down with them and told them he was going to rehab. We asked them not to make a big open deal about it, but they could tell their close friends. Soon, I was hearing things from my daughter - when she told her friends, one came to her later and told her that HER dad was also an A. My daughter finally got the courage, because we were talking about it openly, to tell me of some very hurtful things that had happened when she was little. She hadn't felt able to come to me about them, and had suffered about it for years. If the "secret" hadn't been such a big deal, she could have had comfort, and soem help dealing with it (she'd only been six, when a friend told her she was not allowed to come to our house because "your dad drinks" - so much for the secret)

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a great new slogan - CYA. If it ends up that the two of you divorce you can be seriously negatively affected in not only financial support but also custody if you DON'T come out with the truth. By being "nice" now you could be seriously screwing yourself over later. Also, secrets are a HUGE part of alcoholism. I have NO secrets from my kids they all know what is going on all the time. I try to explain it in terms they can understand but I refuse to ask them to keep secrets. Of course we are not prominent but in reality we are all humans and of equal importance. When you referred to the family of the woman your husband has been sleeping with and outing them not being "fair". How fair was it for her to sleep with your husband? How fair is it to keep her husband in the dark?

If it were me I would lay it ALL out and be completely honest. You have to worry about you and your children first and foremost.

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm on the other side of this. I blabbed to too many people.

Then I got stuck reading Tradition 11 and 12 alot at meetings. (gee thanks HP), lol

Part of T11 ...... We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
Tradition 12 - Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

For me telling everyone was a sometimes reaching out for help. Often it was reaching out for sympathy. It fed my victim and martyrdom defects.

Imagine how I felt when after there was drinking on a cub scout camping trip, I heard at one of the leaders meetings I was not at that someone said, "and I never drink near ______, don't you know his mom was in rehab last year?" While their intention was good, did I really need all these people knowing that ?

I'm trying to let my HP guide others to find the truth. Even that I'm stuggling with. I find that now that my kids have come around, that they all see the addiction for what it is. The problem is sometimes now when I see them agreeing w/ me, or firing off at their mom, I feel a little smug, thinking that I'm 'more right' now that they agree with me.
A- that is me unintentionally involving the kids...Not cool
B- it's me looking outside myself for affirmations, when I need to focus on myself and affirm myself.

It's so easy to talk this stuff for me, it's so hard to work it.

Bob

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to thank all of you for your replies. You really made me realize that, no, they are not my secrets. I decided to share give the details of our living situation and my H's alcoholism with my friend whom my 10 yr old daughter vented to, as I know she is someone I can trust. She really was surprised and started to cry. I just can't share the affair stuff, not yet anyway, as I do not think there is anything good that can come of it. I will just follow the path as it lays out before me. I will disclose on an as needed basis. I will not be malicious, nor will I lie, but I will omit some of the truth as I see fit. If I hear of stories circulating that contain untruth, particularly if it pertains to me, I most certainly will clarify. Above all, I want to serve as a good moral compass for my children and I want them to be proud of BOTH thier parents. They deserve nothing less.

I'll just keep plugging along. Thanks for the encouragement.

Blessings,
Lou

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

another perspective - maybe following on from the "what's my motivation?" theme...

As a child who was asked to keep secrets for my mother, I feel strongly that such a request is damaging to children. It equates to don't tell the truth, and that equates to, lie - all of which was of course in direct contradiction to other instructions we were getting, namely, always tell the truth, don't lie to me, etc. Also, the message "don't talk about this" carried the subtext "this is shameful", which contradicted other specific things we were told. It was confusing, and maybe even frightening, and kind of nauseating.

With the perspective of nearly 40 years now, I think my mother had rationalized it to herself as "protecting" us, along the lines of, don't tell the Nazis we're hiding Jews in the basement. But what she was really doing was protecting herself and her actions from scrutiny.

It still makes me queasy to remember phrasing things just so to my own father (mom's ex-husband) so as not to reveal the secret. And of course, I couldn't talk to my mom about these feelings, because my actions were in accordance with her wishes. (Not that I think she realized what my compliance was costing me in terms of feeling confused, frightened, nauseated, unsafe..... but I don't think she made any effort to try to realize what those effects might be, either.)

Openly telling your kids they may speak freely (even if with discretion - THEIR discretion), is an incredible, loving gift, and also encourages them to speak freely to YOU in coming years.

I hope I haven't come on too strong here.... take what you like, and leave the rest.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"