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Obsessing. I think that's the word for what I'm doing again. Since last night. I didn't get much sleep because of it. My A has been on my mind constantly no matter what I do to occupy myself. Things have been going well a whole month and a half. My daughter has been home from college and my grandaughter has spent the month with me which is all nice. I love having them home, putting life in the house with their presence and getting to spend precious time with them. My A still "lives" next door but actually spends a lot of time here with us and I know he likes being home but it's not time for him to totally move back (if that time ever comes!) and has dinner every night with us. I have been nothing but nice to him because there's no reason not to be. He has been changing, warming up, being more and more affectionate with me, etc. And, since he hasn't been feeling good lately and we both got a little worried about it, he's been staying even longer during the day....Yesterday morning we spoke on the phone and I told him the girls and I had shopping plans for the day and he said he had to go check out a job and would catch up with us in the evening. But he never showed up for dinner or called. I called him a few times with no answer or response to my messages. My daughter and I wondered if he got really sick from his ailment (a real possibility) or if he maybe went on another binge after 7 mos. of not drinking. So I went to see if his truck was next door and it was not. I did not believe he went to the hospital because I would've been called by then. I then suspected he probably went to a big affair going on that some of our friends and relatives went to. What gets me is that he never called either my or my daughter's cell phones or the house phone to leave a message about it if, indeed that's where he went. All he had to do was say so rather than leave us hanging. I don't know if he's been going to AA lately with his sponsor like he has been. I had figured that that was his business and didn't need to report to me about it - his going was on him. Yet I know that some people put a condition on the A about that attendance as part of working out a realationship - they have to participate. And though my A does not like me questioning his going to AA meetings, he has often mentioned to me that he was on his way to a meeting with his sponser. And I believe him when he says so though I never ask if he did go or change his mind for whatever reason.....But since I didn't get a response to my calls, I kept wondering if was going to call at some point last night and maybe say he couldn't get reception on his cell ( I doubt that). All I've been doing is continually thinking about it. I've played with my grandaughter, read a magazine, watched TV, ran some errands, but he and what he may be doing is constantly. and I mean CONSTANTLY, on my mind. My imagination is running away with me again. Is he actually with a female friend again at this big affair she may be at ( that used to piss me off because he was friendly with her but had an attitude to toward me but I kinda got over that after things were going good with him and me and I was kinda embarrassed about things I thought)? Is he just having a good time with everyone? Is he drunk again? These thoughts stayed on my mind all night. He could've called us instead of having us wonder. I simply can't stop thinking about it! He still has not called.I've given myself a headache. I don't know how to respond to him if he does turn up sober ( or drunk for that matter). Things were going so good and that last huge kiss he gave me made me feel good. I am pissed at this moment but don't want to show fury at him. There is no Al-Anon meeting scheduled around here today. I don't want to let my imagination take off with me again but it sure is working at it. What in the world do I do??????.......jaja
Ugh, I hate having "A on the brain" :D. I don't know if I have any really good feedback for you, other than a little something that has helped me let it go.
With my A, if I was suspicious he was "up to something", he usually was! If not exactly what I imagined, he was definitely doing an "ism", being thoughtless, etc. So often I just said to myself yeah, he's probably "out there" again, so . . . what could I possibly do about it? It's like accepting totally the possibility sort of put it to rest, and I didn't get so stuck in all the what if's.
My imagination has not been my friend, but I could sort of extinguish the fire by accepting the possibility I was right and then asking myself, so what about YOU?
I sincerely hope it was not his health problem, I agree "the way things work" is that you would have received a call, likely the first call made.
"A on the brain" seems to be a common and insidious symptom of our codependancy. Two things I am learning to do that seem to be helping are...
1. Do not give in to the physical urge to go looking for him, call again and again, etc. It seems the more I do the physical legwork, the worse my mind and imagination feeds on this.
2. I read a story recently about a woman and a guru. The woman went to the guru to "learn all there is to know". The guru sat her down to study. Every day he came to her and asked if she has learned all there is to know. She would say no and he would rap her on the head with his cane. This went on for months until one day he came and asked, she said "no", and when he went to hit her, she put her hand up to stop him. He smiled and said she was finished. She finally knew all she NEEDED to know. She had learned that she could never know everything there was to know and how to stop the pain. Anyway, that was the jist of the story. Some of our members may be familiar with it. But... what I got from it is when I am obsessing, I try to remind myself that I CAN'T know everything, about another person esp., and the way to stop the pain is to let it go. Remind myself of what is and isn't my business and then let it go.
Hope this might help. It seems to be working for me. Just remember this program takes practice, practice, practice. And even then we are not perfect.
Keep coming back here. That helps, too.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Oh jaja, I know all about that constant fussing. I recently came out of a bad case of it. Finally I could not end it on my own, so I prayed for mental relief. Please make me at peace. I then cleaned a closet with my sing-along music playing on the CD player (to keep my mind busy), and I was relieved to later realize I hadnt had him on my mind since the closet project. I felt shaky in my relief, so I told myself I could either go back to obsessing or treasure the peace. So far, Ive been peaceful. So grateful! I had to want not to obsess, ask for help and follow the way out. -- Jill
So, if you knew that he was somewhere where he could not be expected to check in, what would you be feeling this evening?
If he was on a job out of town, say. A business trip. Could be drinking, for all you know, could be cheating on you. Could be sitting in his motel room watching "I Love Lucy" reruns. You wouldn't know, and I bet you wouldn't worry about it much, either, You would just live your life.
So, same thing tonight. You know he is not with you, and you know he did not check in. These are the ONLY things you know. Everything else is you torturing yourself. The person who is giving you this pain is yourself.
I have a story from early in my husband's recovery. I was coming home from work, and as I pulled up in front of our house, I saw his car coming along the cros street. I waited in my car, so I could walk up to the house with him when he got there. Except, he didn't. He sailed right by our street. Immediately the paranoia kicked in - he must have seen me and was avoiding me because he had liquor on his breath, he was headed in the direction of his drug connection's house, he was active again and worse than ever. Had to be, only explanation. So, a hour or so later he walks in the house, and the first thing he said was "Why didn't you wave? I was honking and waving, thought you didn't see me". Turns out he had been delivering hot meals to shut in seniors (I actually knew that this was his day, but had forgotten). No, I hadn't seen him, as I am a little deaf, and had been sitting in my car not looking in the mirror, as I was so surehe would be pulling in behind me.
Yes, alcoholics relapse. But they don't ALL relapse. Save your anguish for when you know whether there is something to be unhappy about.
Great story Lin. Thank you.I'm gonna try to remember that one too.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
