The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I have not posted here in a very long time. I married my husband Dec 30 2006. Soon after our marriage he became increasingly abusive to the point of physical abuse when he was drunk. He was always somewaht emotionally abusive, in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, but when drinking it was much worse. He spent 72 days in jail recently due to the physical abuse, just graduated from an 8 week Christian treatment program for men, and is now at the halfway house, also managed by the treatment program.
We are in counseling with his sponser who is also a clinical counselor, H is also court ordered to complete a 28 week domestic abuse program.
I am seeing many changes in him, he is learning empathy, willing to remain seperated as long as I need to. He has stopped all pressure to reconcile. There is a big difference in him now and he is learning everyday. He has accepted responsibility for his actons, his abuse, admitted he is an abuser, does not blame the alcohol but accepts that it is a seperate problem.
I want to know if there are any of you who have had similar problems with abuse and alcoholism? What were your experiences? Did he make lasting changes concerning the abuse?
I have begun attending local alanon meetings also.
I recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That book gave me a new lease on life and I am forever grateful for the friend who gave it to me.
Hope you keep coming, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I recently ended a seven year relationship with my A (<----means alcoholic or addict in MIP speak). It is only beginning to dawn on me I've been in a relationship where abuse issues coincided with the addiction issues . . . many A's are abusive while drunk or high but are decent folk when sober. Mine never was :) and understanding this has helped me make much sense of my own actions . . . cutting off/out family and friends, the isolation and shame.
I wrote an entry you'll see below called Being a Grownup part II, it sort of turned into a "my story", but it shows the controlling nature of our relationship, lots of threats to abuse, as well as all the alcoholic/addict type of stuff.
Good for you, getting to Alanon meetings! Abuse is a common thread around here, and for you and I, educating ourselves about the disease of alcoholism as well as the dynamics of abuse is just as important. Be armed and ready, abusers do not change easily, and their spouses need help and support on their end.
Again, welcome, I hope you'll continue to post here and share with us!
No I don't have any experience with this situation. But I did want to welcome you to the MIP family. I am glad that you are attending local meetings, and that your husband is in a progam as well. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello, I am so sad for your marriage already in peril.
In my experience, I do know that abuse is NOT a symptom of alcoholism. However when they use, as we know they lose inhibition and end up not caring what they do. Some will go ahead and cheat or abuse etc. When they are sober or in recovery, they work hard at not doing so, as they know they have a tendancy to do these things.
In saying that, A's relapse. In my experience, with very bad abuse, it is worse everytime they relapse. They have already gone over that boundary and have no qualms about going further. My A was not abusive to me at all until after a brain surgery, medical relapse. It got worse and worse. With Alanon I finally got to where I believed I was NOT doing anyone any good by having him in my home.
Sadly we were able to spend bits of time together, but it ended horrible.He was with me ONE day out of nowhere picked me up and thru me on my face flat and disabled my shoulders. And now years later of pain getting worse, I have a spinal problem, possibly a pinched nerve.
I attended groups of women who were abused.Stories all the same. Once an abuser always an abuser with most, once a cheater always a cheater with most.
If they will abuse you, they will kill you. We all know that. I am sorry my experience and knowledge does not give you hope. I am NOT bitter, or hate my AH. I love him very much, but my husband and friend died on that operating table, then the disease saw a great opportunity and took him away from me.
I don't care if he was sober on program for ten years, I would NEVER live with him, or allow him in my home, never. NEver.
Hello vera , congrats on joining al anon for yourself I believe any one can change if they want too . Learn to speak up in your marriage , don't accept verbal abuse of any kind and remember nothing u say or do will make him drink again if he chooses to do so , YOur simply not that powerful . Sounds like hubby is doing all the right things for himself and your relationship I wish him well . Keep going to meetings for yourself look after you . Louise
