Where's the logic? - Al-Anon Family Group

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Where's the logic?

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, and I think you should get SIX of them!!

Don't you know when an A spends money it's for a really good reason?? You could lie in the sun on a towel, sorry about the ants though :D .

I had to laugh, my A is exactly the same about tools. And he had to have the *best* name brand, and it better have been made in Germany or Switzerland. He has six perfectly brand new quilted overalls still in my closet, twenty pairs of footwear, two or three of each kind.

And when I announced I was going to the store, he'd attempt to lecture me about spending. He said I over fed my livestock, he obsessed about it and I often had to leave the vicinity when he started in.

He spent close to 40K on drugs in the last year. 'Nuff said. He's toast.

Buy the damn thing and get it a friend :D .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Diva!!

I know I won't come close to Kim's exhuberance so I'll just humbly suggest that you are dealing with an insecure male ego...something I know something about cause...ahem I are one. I don't know why I go thru all the fear and insecurity stuff when it comes to her spending but when I need "my" tools...the very best I'll do is shop around for price and quality and then I think twice, three times, maybe four and go get the tool that probably would be more economical if I rented rather than bought. Our garage has gotten smaller because of "my" tools that I can justify ad nauseum. She goes after something she wants and I fall off the cliff. It has to be justified completely, very necessary, something I can use also, It will have to be kept clean and in working order (of course without my effort), It can't sit idle at all etc. I am sure we all do this ...not only men (yes really!!) so I label my compulsion as an attempt to control and manipulate. I am learning to let it happen without all my fbbs. After all my bs is over she should be able to have the freedom to fulfill her needs also without the prelude from me.

You should be also. What color will your chair be?

(((hugs)))

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Let me put this in to perspective Diva. They are not tools they are toys. The boys grow into men and the toys just get bigger and more expensive. At my house it is cars and boats. Also you are how old now and still taking a male to the shops with you? God forbid are you crazy? Go on your own and spend up big. Luv Leo xxx

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

lol sorta like the dog thing eh? Diva you know the answer. Go get your chair. Next time he wants a tool, have him use his own money.

My A lived off me. Before that I made more money than he did.
When he lived off me, he had the nerve to get mad at me for giving some guys five bucks for gas. The same guys had pushed me up to the gas station gas tank as I ran out ten feet from it.

I heard them ask for like eightyseven cents of gas...lol so told the guy to put in five bucks worth. Back then it was a lot. They just had a tiny pickup.

what a jerk.your a and my xone.

the disease does not want anyone else taking what it thinks is its own. It is selfish.

I agree with our Kim, go buy six of them, or get one and a cute umbrella to match, and an expensive bikini and soft big towel. For that matter put in one of those cool 12 people spas that you can swim in place in. then send me a round trip ticket to stay, and also pay someone for me to take care of Eden so I can really relax or learn how to again....

I do go on, but you get the drift. love,debilyn

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

LOGIC??? LOGIC??? this is an A we are talking about. lol there is no logic that is the problem. Many people don't know what it is and do not care anyway.

I would have turned and said to him, "does mind your own business tell you anything?" or "selfishness is not pretty is it?"

Or the best completely ignore, pretend he is not there and do what you want. How dare him act like that.

I love the show,"absolutely fabulous." Patricia has this line,"Don't question me!" I love it.

love,debilyn logic hahaha logic/men isn't that an oxymoron???

I am teasing I love men.

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

With us its cars, medical insurance, practical matters are not that important but a mercedes benz is, buy your chair Diva, and anything else you need, take care,

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Diva)))

I've come to the realization of 2 things in your share:

1. How much will I let someone/anyone ecroach on my being free? I don't live with anyone, at the moment, and do not have toxic people in my personal affairs, at the moment, and so my answer is NONE. I feel happy, joyous and free MOST of the time, and do not plan on ever giving that up.
When I first got to program, my sponsor told me "there has to be some equality, justice, and fairness for a healthy relationship." The resentment I had felt from being in all of the unequal and injust circumstances overwhelmed me with depression, anger and sadness. It made me toxic.

2. How do I deal with bad behavior? Can I let it go? Do I need to do anything? Is there a way to communicate this to my qualifier? My answer was to detach and find my happiness.

I hope you find what is right for you!
with love, always
cj

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't 'have' to feel any way you don't want to - this is starting to become something I am looking out for in my own behaviour. When I say "he makes me feel" I can stop and think "I am ALLOWING him to make me feel".

He's an alcoholic, he plays silly power games. Personally, I wouldn't take him shopping with me, and the issue wouldn't comeup.

roygbiv · Senior Member

Diva wrote:

Never once have I ever asked him not to buy what he wants; in fact, I encourage it...
...Is this some kind of typical A behavior?
-- Edited by Diva at 00:30, 2007-08-24

(((Hi Diva, hugs)))

1. If you encourage him to spend freely, you're sending him mixed messages. Are you glad he's spending his time working on the house instead of drinking and that's why you encourage his spending on tools? If so, that's control, which is part of the family disease of alcoholism. When I try to control people I consider it a slip (my slip).

2. Yes, it's typical A behavior. Overspending goes hand in hand with alcoholism. Maybe it's a way to feel a rush. It may also be a way to access money.

Someone else wrote here: "Money is no object till there's consequences attached."

Remember, this is a cunning and baffling disease, there's no logic to it.

Just a hunch because it sounds familiar, I'm guessing in his logic, he thinks that if you buy something for yourself, that he deserves something too (right away).

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Absolutely!!!!! I agree with Kim...get 6 of them so all of your friends can have one to sit on.

I have a non-A husband who wants every tool in the world too. He drives me crazy with his wants...and they need to be the best!! He retired almost 2 years ago and I finally told him he needs to get another job to pay for all his toys.

HE DID!!!

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Diva-

I'm loving this thread. It has put a smile on my face, I've sure been there and I've given my A the satisfaction of denying myself some small want because of his complaints. It was a choice, I gave away my peace. You could have chosen the chair. Sometimes we don't think of it as a choice but it is.

There is so much good stuff in these replies, I do believe that as Jerry said it has a lot to do with male/female issues. I remember my Sponsor saying to me when I lumped a few offenses into the Aism category, that even if I took the Aism away I'd still have to deal with those things because my A was a man LOL and I couldn't change that !!

I loved what Leo and Lin said, leave him at home -- and if it's a joint trip pull that male half listening technique and buy the chair anyhow. My favorite is "LaLaLaLaLa...can't hear you." while envisioning myself using whatever it is I plan to buy.

I also agree with Roygbiv, It didn't seem to matter if it was something I bought, a neighbor, friend or family member bought -- if someone got something than "he deserves something too (right away)" -- that always drove me nuts.

Anyhow, Diva, I hope you sip off today and buy that chair, park it in the sunniest part of your yard and enjoy yourself. You deserve it and as I'm learn now a days, you don't need someone else's permission to do that.

(((((lots of hugs to you))))

Luna

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Yep, sometimes I can be a real wuss.

Several said, "Don't go shopping with him." Good idea. We had been out to lunch and stopped at Home Depot on the way home to look for some window screen hardware.

To Debilyn. "Absolutely Fabulous" is my all-time favortie program. We laugh out loud, even though we all know that Patsy and Edina are alcoholics, and we understand Saffron's frustration. And Mother's denial.

To Kim. Six of them. Now there's a GREAT idea.

To Roygbiv. Don't think I am trying to keep him sober with the free spending. I believe that I am generous, and my philosophy on money is that once the bills are paid, and all of us (he and I, three cats and a dog) eat, and something is tucked away for a rainy day, the rest of it is to ENJOY!!

Lin. Yep, I do "allow" myself the pleasure of my feelings. My ideas on that are a bit different than some. I think annoyance is a reality, and it is ok to experience it.

Jerry. I had to laugh at you spending time shopping aroound for the right price, etc. Yep, my A does that. He will wait for a sale, but it must be the very best. Now get this...he will spend several hundred on some essential tool, but make comments on the number of shoes and purses I have.

Ah yes, Jerry, the chair is brilliant blue. The glare of it will cause temporary blindness!! LOL!!!

To all the rest of you. Thanks. I always enjoy your thoughts and ideas. Why is it hard for me to understand that the displays of personality from my A are typical A behavior? Why do I continue to think he is different? Maybe because he has no criminal record, doesn't spend us to the poorhouse...may sound otherwise, but he really doesn't...works hard, he is dedicated and diligent.

But, he is an alcoholic. I could call him my qualifier, but he is an alcoholic, and I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Thanks for being there. Having understanding "family" is worth gold!

All of you have a splendid day. I am off for the chair. Maybe six!!

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 09:49, 2007-08-24

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

What struck me about the thread was the amount of inventory taking of the A.

Maybe it's because I've been on both sides of this fence. Giving my A a rash or crap for buying something, or for being the one who is getting crap for buying something. Why would I let someone to that to me? Why would I let it affect my purchasing decision ?

LOL @ the threads about shopping around for the best price. I resemble that remark. It's almost like an addiction, I get this little rush for paying the least amount for something. It also is because of my fear of never having enough and worrying about shaving every cent.

The heck w/ my A's inventory, this thread made me look alot at myself alot, thanks for starting it Diva !

Hope it's as comfy as you envision ! :)
Bob

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I really do like to get along. A "Screw you! I am getting the chair" attitude doesn't appeal to me. All's well that ends well. Hey, there's a new AlAnon slogan.

Diva

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.