The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm a bit lonely & sad as my college kids started to move out today - a normal emotion and happy for them. The family dynamics change as members come & go...... It's even more pronounced in an A family as they are some of the only ones who really knows what goes on at home. My eldest two seem more assured now that I am going to f2f meetings and out of my own denial. It helps them to go on with their lives knowing I am finding resources to get well & stronger to deal with what is and what comes.
Anyway, to fill some time or reach out when I'm sad, I wanted to work on my recovery somemore today. This week I struggled with regressing back to questioning everything, slipping towards denial. Thank you all for your ESH which helped me think. Plus becoming aware of things like when A is in a huff, how detaching made me see the immaturity of his common responses that never include actual honest dialogue.
I just watched to see what happened and nothing did if I didn't react except a couple more times of being in a huff for another reason. I used to take this as his blame of things on me and trying to fix it - in hind sight, I felt manipulated and now I am not sure if he even remembers from one huff to the next. I haven't tried to get any emotional support for changes of kids moving out and amazed how it only affects him if I brought it up. I know he must have emotions but they are buried so deeply.
I see clearly now that if he's not in a huff, he is making fun of me in front of the kids. I used to try to fix that or apologize too - gads, I feel like a puppet looking back. This time, we were waiting for pizza so I left the table to go outside. He called a parting shot put down and I turned to flick him off until I saw my children watching me, so I didn't.... still need lots of practice on not reacting - I haven't made obscene hand gestures for years, it's like I am awakening from some stupor or something. I like what I read here the other day: using words for building up or building down others - made me aware, thanks!
Well, all that thinking made me see that I am changing in baby steps. In the past, I felt responsile for all of my family and everything - when anything went a teensy bit wrong or off kilter with perfect (hah!) family living, my response was fear and my reaction to fix things was my attempt I see now to control things to my vision.
As more & more happened, (nutshell- some of our children had severe mental health as teens from major depression to attempted suicide - horrible, horrible & you'd think the resulting family therapy would affect the A when these kids threw it in his face - I was in denial & forbidden to talk about that in front of therapist/kids. I did start to slowly awaken to my part in this mess, perfection, my own denial & adapting/enabling to A. I was more & more stressed so the chaos wore me down until the only defense I could see was to choose depression - given meds & therapy, then anxiety/panic attacks - op clinic and most recently, just went numb, avoidance of everyone & everything.
I knew I never never never wanted to ever need IP treatment but I was falling apart. I needed to change, I WANTED to change so I took my arse to a f2f mtg and found this wonderful MIP family. I want to be able to be my authentic self with dignity and integrity.
My A might be too distant but I was on the other end of the continuum and too intrusive. It's not my work to fix anything for others. I can give my kids resources/support as their parent but not make decisions with ulterior motives and the desire to control every thing.
I just want to get well and be honest with my choices for me vs reacting with anxiety. I don't know if the A will change for the better or worse but I am trying now not to have any expectations. I learned expectations can be premeditated resentments, interesting!! I hope good things will happen for the A & for our marriage but I CAN make myself stronger and healthier, while I finish raising the rest of our kids in a healthier way I hope.
I'll be well and hopeful to follow my journey instead of sitting in the middle of the road numb. Thank you MIP family for your welcome & support. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Incredible!! You deserve a standing ovation for this, what a testimony of how the program works!!
You my dear are going to be FINE :) .
It works almost immediately, once you pick up the tools and use them, huh?? I know detatchment and not reacting began to work for me immediately, giving me some peace from my own rages, and leaving me nothing to feel guilty about later.
In Getting Them Sober (just finished reading it for the first time) I read the suggestions given to put on a happy face, whistle or hum, be polite and positive when the A insists upon getting a reaction. A kiss on the head on your way out to an Alanon meeting. She says to do this even if you have to fake it at first, over time it becomes a habit. Talk about stopping the "games" when you just wave bye bye and leave the room . . . not sarcastic or coldly, that's still a reaction the A would appreciate :D . But mildly and as if you are just fine no matter what BS he's tossed out.
I relate so much to your internal states as you described; "no other choice but to go into depression". Wow, that's exactly what happened with me, never realized it. Now I do have choices of course, but never thought of it like that. Thanks for the insight :) Kim
Aloha Ddub...You are really diving into this wonderful program. Great for you. Alcoholics are amazing animals and alcoholism is a most cunning, powerful and baffling disease. There is no book that is well versed on how to take care of the animal...all of our literature is about learning how to NOT take care of the alcoholic and to take care of ourselves first.
A practicing alcoholic could be like an "unruly pet" if we care to look at the alcoholic as some thing we must mind, pick-up and clean-up after and make sure we have the water and food dishes where they are easily found. Truth is I had to get to the point of seeing my alcoholic as a full human being with the time, ability and facility to take care of the consequences of her choices. I had to also see that I don't have to "play the game". Like youself I learned how to detach from it and ignore all invitations to get back in. The game finally ended. I picked up my mind and serenity and left the party. No law that says I gotta participate in it or clean up after it.
You are doing well in your "new" program. Here's hoping that your HP gives you all that is necessary and more to gain and maintain the serenity you surely deserve.
Feel free to playfully scruff up his scalp/hair the next time he shoots you a put down and tell him before you walk away. "come on now that's not true and it never has been." It's much more powerful than a "flick off" and it's the right and truthful thing to do for yourself. Plus it's not harmful to him either.
"Well, all that thinking made me see that I am changing in baby steps. In the past, I felt responsile for all of my family and everything - when anything went a teensy bit wrong or off kilter with perfect (hah!) family living, my response was fear and my reaction to fix things was my attempt I see now to control things to my vision".
I can relate deeply to this statement. I have often felt like everything in the home in my life was my responsibility. I know in my life there has only been me to count on. I was leaving out my HP and only asking for help when things went wrong. The begging and pleading I do when things go wrong. So, now I show praise and thanksgiving even when things are not perfect the way I'd like them to be, I'm grateful for what I do have and grateful for the imperfections because those imperfections keep me growing and striving to become the grown up I want to be.
I make the mistake at times looking to my AH for guidance or help knowing that he might not be able to help out, whether it be emotional or physical help. Some times I ask and he's there for us. With baby steps in learning this program and even reacquainting myself with my faith I can let go more often than not. Some days its harder to let go of that control. You said it... fear and anxiety the number one reason I have controlled. Fear of the outcome, anxious and worried over the unknown... with the steps and the tools of Alanon I can take the option to choose to Let Go and Let God. I can choose to accept my AH just as he is and stop pointing out his flaws and his frequent bumbles everyday. Live and Let Live has not been an easy motto for me, but I'm learning it little by little.
Keep taking those baby steps ((dub)) because your growing and changing everyday.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
This is the experience, strength and hope (ESH) of the program that you are sharing and the changes that are happening for you are miraculous. Congratulations! "The journey of 1,000 miles begins with but a single step."
Keep coming and keep posting, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
