The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I have done a little bit of reading on co-dependency, funny that I have heard the term, have known all along that I was enabling but I avoided any literature or conversations that dealt with the subject. I think that I was not just afraid but certain that I would find myself within the words and then I would be all out of exuses. I am without a doubt a co-dependent -savior/persecutor/victim. I play the role really well. Sadly enough as I read I realized that I am not only doing this with my A daughter but with my other daughter as well. She must feel completely incompetant by now. No wonder she never says thank you. My A daughter locked her keys in her car last night. My instant reaction was same as always...What course of action do "I" need to take. Her spare key is lost, she was pretty sure I had it......I saved myself by not reacting, gave myself time to think a bit and realized that I didn't have a problem. My car works just fine. All I said was that the best I can do is give you a ride to work and you can deal with it later. She didn't react either. She didn't even ask me to figure out how she was going to get home from work.....This may seem like a very small thing, this is really huge for me. This situation could have caused a complete meltdown resulting in a physical fight. Last time this happened I hired a locksmith simply so I didn't have to listen to her. Too bad her bf is in jail, he steals car stereos for a living. I'm sure he could get in for her. I am thankful she is still working but realistically it's only because I feel obligated to pay her bills when she's not. Guess that's gotta go too. It's interesting to watch the chemistry change in the household when A daughter knows she's on borrowed time and my guess is she's hoping for a reprieve, so she's acting like a normal person. I think that in the past this has pissed me off more than anything. I make exuses for her behavior, bad genes, drug stunted mentality, feelings of abandonment from her dad, I could go on and on. But then when it feels to her like consequences are going to be for real, she can be whoever she needs to be. I use to accept it for what it was and enjoy the days when things were calm. I want to stay angry right now because it's the only way I'm going to be able to stay focused on my goal. I am having trouble staying angry. How can that be? I'm pretty sure that history has taught me that it won't last anyway. She will flip out soon enough, remind why we are doing what we're doing. I think that if I could say well, she's in a program and they are taught to be selfish, focus on what will keep them clean and sober then I could accept some behaviors with my eyes on a future goal. With her, it seems she's just a raving lunatic and selfish by nature or by my own teaching. Scream loud enough and mom will fix whatever's wrong.
Oh Toni, you did great! You are a fast learner. It will get better. Just remember it has to be about you. You getting better may or may not help her. It will help you to stop hindering her though. Isn't our codependent definition of "help" twisted?
Keep coming back.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I also have to agree you are a fast learner and right on the mark. Keep going...Keep reading. I've also learned by others experiences to use so I wouldn't have to go through it all. I cheat, yes. lol Keep putting it all in use, it will all work out. Keep the faith.
I understand your question about "why am I not angry?" . In my recent experiences, I've found a few different "kinds" of anger, some burn slow, some are cold and not particularly compassionate, and then of course RAGE and screaming/meltdown type angers.
The latter NEVER ever did a good thing for me, made me sick physically and the "hangover" lasted for days . . . but the slow burn was energizing in terms of protecting my boundaries, and the "cold" anger kept me detatched from the pleas, the tears, the begging my A did.
I am only at the place where I recognize my usual "anger" responses, the screaming teeth gnashing kind, is a super slippery place to be, and when I do experience that kind of anger I need to be very careful. I can't control that I feel that kind of anger, but I can control my mouth and actions. I'm grateful every day that I do not feel that rage. It generally comes up when my A did something outrageous and I feel helpless to protect myself. I remind myself I'm not helpless at all . . . powerless over what he does, yes. But not helpless at all.
Perhaps the lack of anger/rage is a blessing? You sound very solid, and aware of your weak points. Perhaps what you are feeling is productive anger, which to me feels completely different . . . stronger, yet there's peace in it. I know what I need to do now. That sort of thing.
Great to hear from you again Toni! You are doing great. This stuff works fast on us :) Kim
Super awarenesses! You don't need anger for permission to work this program. To me it is sometimes a hindshight motivator and I have to admit when I am feeling anger that I've "been had" or "set up" into it. Then I relax and let that go. I am human and this is a program of progress not perfection. Today I want to work this program in everything I do. Today I like having this program as the larger part of my life. I am motivated to work and keep this program in my life because this and only this has ever worked well at keeping me in that positive spirit and willingness to give and take the best life has to offer me. I am motivated by need now and experiences not by anger and rage or any other negative emotion, thought, behavior or condition I used when I first came into the program.
Keep working at this program. Keep your focus on you and what you need and want to change that you don't like about yourself.
Take the suggestions that you are given and follow thru on them for Toni.
I can relate very very much to your issues. I have had an A boyfriend of 7 years plus who has hit many many bottoms int he last six months. We have been physically separated for months, emotional separation is another matter.
My overgiiving has got me into places of sheer total exhaustionn and resentment. These days I do very little for him. I do montior the situation he is in but very remotely. That is about the best I can do at the moment. My health failed me at one point because the stress of dealing with his immense self destructiveness is and was overhwhelming. I can relate to feelings of accomplishment when I do not step in. I find tremendous solace in reading Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. Ms. Drew has a real finger on the pulse of irrational guilt, over giving and blame. I find the blame issue very very bonding. I am of course not to blame for the a;s ill but I am over responsible to others and under responsible to myself.
I needed it today. I like how you said it's affected your daughter that's not an alcoholic. Your share made me realize that due to my fears about my children makes me want to fix or prevent them from something as simple as getting lost.
Just for today ... I will not give advice unless I am asked.
keep coming and keep posting, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
