The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sitting at my desk with a headache and feeling very weepy at the moment.
Here is why:
I have a 1 bedroom apartment attached to my home that is in the suburbs. Since December a friend of mine, who left her husband, was living there. Things have started to settle down for her and now she is buying a townhouse. She will be moving soon. My A son really, really wanted to move in with his girlfriend. He lives in the city and hates it. I have to admit that I led him on thinking that I could let him move in there if and when this girl moved out. I mean, even up to yesterday I was talking to him like it was going to happen. He and his girlfriend were very excited and so was her mother who was happy that her daughter would be moving out of the city.
I have really been struggling with how I have handled this. I had told my son last year that I would not have him living here again until he was in a recovery program. He remembers that I told him that because he has made reference to it in the past. He is not in recovery but assures me things are going to be different. Yeah....right!
He is working in a bar in the city and I am sure he drinks a few before he goes home. I just cannot put myself through this worry anymore of him drinking and driving and not being able to sleep until he is safely home. I just can't do it!
I thought about it for awhile and ask God to give me a sign if I was to go forward with this. I think I already knew what my answer was. I just could not bring myself to call and tell him that it was off. With the phone in my hand and my head down I kept praying for strength to call him. I did it!!! He is not very happy and in some way I can understand why. I thought about maybe having a 6 month trial period but then they would not have a place to live if it didn't work out and I would have a very hard time getting them out. Right now, at least, they have an apartment that is close to where they both work and if he drinks and drives it will not be under my nose.
This has been very hard for me to say no to him. He was so excited and his life was going to be so much better. I keep reming myself that he does not drink because of where he is living....he drinks because he is an A. Moving to my house is not going to fix that.
Sorry this is so long. I know I did what was best for me so why do I feel so darn bad?
Because you love your son. Because it's hard to love an alcoholic. I think you did the right thing by telling him no. But that's only my opinion. Strength and love to you.
I hate that when I think something through and decide it is a bad idea after I have already said yes. I always feel guilty when I hurt someone's feelings or disappoint them by changing my mind. I guess we are human and allowed to do that. I still struggle with not wanting to disappoint or let others down, sounds like you do too.
I think you are very strong to be able to see that it would not be a good idea, and it would just create more problems for you. He's your son and you love him, but you have to think about you and what's best for you. Of course you'd feel bad, because it's your motherly instinct to want to help him, but when you're dealing with an A, as we all know, the rules all change. You did the right thing.
I think we feel bad when these things happen because our instinct to help is askew. It tells us to do things that are not going to help. I think you did the right thing. Would moving them in really have helped? Isn't it really thier responsibility to provide themselves a place to live? Would playing the mother hen and making yourself crazy really have helped them?
Just my opinion.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
At my last f2f meeting I heard about how saying no can be hard but it is a complete sentence. It is harder to say no after you have already said yes, but it is even harder to say no to whatever happens if you said yes but meant or wished you said no to begin with.......................... and it just keeps getting harder and harder and harder.
Sounds like you were strong and wise too.
hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Sometimes No is the best answer and that decision needs to be respected. You told him sometime ago that he would need to be in recovery, it is up to him to listen or not, tough decision though, it is hard to say no when it would be easier and nice for you to say yes,
So very glad you were able to find thru your HP the inner strength and courage to take those steps to do what is right for you. Yes, it feels uncomfortable, painful, and even sometimes with a little guilty.
It helps me when these feelings come up to continue working thru them with the tools of the program - just like it appears that you are - venting with recovery friends, journaling, discussing it with my HP and my sponsor and praying for healing and direction.
Thank you for sharing this with us - it helps to know when others struggle with some of the same things I stuggle with - It helps to know I am not alone in my issues with my adult children. I believe that by setting this boundaries, by letting them be what they have to be - I am allowing them the dignity and ability to find their own way to their relationship with their HP.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I can relate very much. I am encouraging the A I was invovled with to go live with his Uncle. I know I cannot entertain living with him again. I live in a tiny tiny space. He is impossible. I would always be worried. I can't count on him.
I am truly sad that i can't entertain it but reality is important.
I think you did a pheonmenal job taking care of yourself. Knowing our limits is so essential. I know it takes practive and more practice after that.
You feel bad because he's your son. I know this had to be an incredibly difficult decision for you. But you did what was in the best interest for both of you. I'm proud of you. Sometimes we don't think we have the strength to do things and lo and behold we do.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
