(((Donna)))

I get in that angry state too at times.  I know how it feels to hold onto that anger and have it eat me up inside.  For me it helped journaling out every nasty angry loathing thought I had about my AH, then after I felt satisfied that I'd gotten it all out I started with the next emotion; which was disappointment.  Disappointed that he let me down again, disappointed in myself for allowing myself to trust him again only to get hurt again.  After I was done with this process I'd start another emotion.  When I felt good and tired and satisfied that I had gotten out everything I felt, I burned that journal entry and gave it to HP.  I let AH go and the hurt he'd cause to HP because even though there have been times that I wanted to seek revenge on him, I knew HP would was the best avenger I had.  As much as I love my AH I also can get right back to that feeling of intense anger like I want to rip his head off! 

It's not about working the program perfectly its about working it one day at a time.  "Progress not Perfection".  Maybe pray for the courage to share a bit of yourself and your anger with the group.  It might give the group a reason to share some of their E,S,and H with you.  One of my Monday night groups is just like the group you described.  It's a bit different for them to have someone speak about active A'ism in their homes or the difficulties of newly recovering addicts.  Your experiences actually keep the group alive and fresh, you might be pleasantly suprised that your E,S, and H is refreshing to the "old timers" that can remember what it was like for them; which really reinforces why we chose Alanon in the first place. 

Hope some of that helped you, I'm saying a prayer for you to let it out just a little each day. 

Peace,
Twinmom~

I felt the same way you did when I started going to my regular meeting.  Then someone there commented on how helpful it was for them to hear newcomers shares.  It sort of gave me an "in".  I felt better about being so new to recovery and stumbling all the time on the steps.  But somehow my shares were helping those that had been there for years.  I would have never thought so, myself, but was grateful that someone mentioned that to me. 

Is there someone in your meeting that you relate to enough that you could call or talk to before or after the meeting about how you are feeling? 

I am lucky, that in my area there are many meetings to choose from.  The meeting I attend regularly was the sixth meeting I tried.  It was smaller than the others and was more balanced with men and woman.  Things I appreciated. 

Good luck.  I hope you find something that works for you!

Take care,
Leetle

"I am pissed off that I have to be there to try to get my life together because the AH has been screwing with my mind and making me feel like I have problems."  


Those were my exact thoughts and feelings when I re-entered the program Donna.  The first time I wasn't that pissed off so I left early and then went back out (relapsed) into my enabling until there was just no more sanity left.  Then I was pissed and got open minded (closing remarks to all Al-Anon meetings) and started to get help.  I started to get the picture more clearly and then my life started to change.

I was working "my" program, which was the program that I tried to live in the disease of alcoholism and that didn't work.  My early sponser suggested that I work "the" program rather than "my" program as it was suggested and without trying to alter it to fit my own will and expectations.   That is what eventually worked best for me then and now.

There isn't much that has gone on or been said in this program that hasn't gone on or been said before by another member(s).  We are over 56 years old and in most countries in the world.  I get from reading your post that you are a considerate person so I wouldn't worry about being in a meeting with you and you trying to be honest and at the sametime considerate about my feelings and my impression of you and your share.  Since you might be in a meeting with some experienced "old timers" most likely you will be handled with love and understanding rather than rejection.  You won't know until you take the risk and trust that is required in "this" program and learned over time. 

Sit tight and give it a shot....Being open and honest is what helped create this awesome program; no need to abandon it now.

There is an opposite emotion to anger.  That emotion is acceptance.  If you don't like feeling anger?...practice feeling the acceptance - of the person, place or thing that is bothering you for exactly how it is at that point.   "I don't have to like it...I can accept it."  This of course includes yourself...Donna...yourself.
Then go on with the positive part of your life.    

This problem didn't come into your life over night...It won't go away over night either and Alcoholism and your own personal alcoholic are only a part of the problem.  You will find out more over time (one day at a...) as you go on.

Keep coming back.     (((((Hugs))))) 

Ya know, I have been in meetings where it felt like the others were a little bit healthier than me. But, this is MY program and I would speak what was in my heart. And if hate was in my heart that is what I spoke of. I always heard what I needed to hear. Everyone remembers that feeling of anger and resentment, confusion and despair. We all remember it and that is what this program offers: the chance to share with others that we have been there too and we have (or are) come out the other side. This is for you. I find that I can post here some of the things that I can't feel comfortable saying out loud at my f2f meetings. I love this forum for just that reason. Sometimes it has been the angry person that speaks up in a meeting that helps me to know that I am not alone, others feel this way too and has opened up a discussion in our group that has lead to great insight for many of us. I would encourage you to speak up when you are comfortable or uncomfortable enough to do so. It might help someone else in the group.