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Lately, my A has been drinking again- not every day, and always after I go to sleep or am gone. If I didn't know he was an alcoholic, I would almost be ok with this. My question is, isn't the nature of alcoholism that they can't control their drinking like the rest of us? Won't his drinking inevitably get worse and become like it used to be-morning, noon, and night?
I realize that even though he's hiding the drinking that it doesn't mean he's ok. For him to be in recovery he needs to learn to be happy without alcohol, not just learn to count down the minutes until he can drink. I know that only he can decide to do this, and I haven't said anything to him. I don't even say anything when I do wake up and know he's drunk.
I know there are functional drunks. HE is not functional when he's drunk. Right now he's somehow controlling it. But from what I know about alcoholism this will only get worse!
So sorry to hear this....how are you? I know how consumed I could become when I knew the person who was "sober" was lying,hiding,cheating and drinking. It made me suspicious and scared and distrusting and I focused so much energy on what HE was doing. It has helped me endlessly here to pay attention to how I feel.....and to take care of my own self and happiness. To express boundaries. To ask for what I need and know that my needs Mattered! I also have known professionally and personally that the disease of alchoholism is progressive and destructive.....people very often get to their worst again soon. Is your A in AA? Do you go to Alanon? My prayers are with you and I send you wishes of strength. Keep coming back, Fifi
That's pretty much what we know too :) it just keeps on getting worse if they are drinking.
Many alcoholics take "vacations" from drinking, or cut back, or switch boozes. What changes are made are temporary though. Inevitably something (anything) will end the "control".
I say this as he has already been a daily, all day type drinker, unable to function normally. This is a "stage" in alcoholic progression. If he's been in that stage, and he still drinks, he'll be back there.
Most importantly is how do you feel about all of this? How are you handling this for yourself? Are you doing anything or NOT doing anything because you're waiting to see if he can control his drinking? I know I would be :D that's why I ask.
I would have to say controlled drinking is just something an alcoholic will do off and on, but it doesn't mean anything long term.
You on the other hand have to learn to be happy whether he is under the table, sober, or holding on by the skin of his teeth "controlling" his intake. You can think and worry and analyse his drinking patterns till the cows come home, but all it does is keep the focus on him, and off of you where it belongs. I felt downright hopeless when all I did was focus on what my A was doing or not doing. When I stopped "caring" what he did to himself (ie, monitoring, wondering, helping him to talk it through) I began a better life.
The point is YOU being OK no matter what he does. The disease is beyond us. Take care, Kim
So you are spending this time when he is actually doing pretty well, acting fine, in worrying about what he will be doing next week or next month. How is that working for you ? Are you happy with it?
To my mind, being realistic about what will probably happen in the future (things will get worse) is not incompatable with enjoying the present. He (or you) might be hit by a bus tomorrow. Do you want to spend this relativally good time fretting about some possible future, or do you want to spend it working towards your happiness?
The fact that you are with him means that you have chosen, for the moment, to stay in this relationship. So, reap the benefits. Why not? It probably will get worse in the future, and it is important not to fool yourself about that. There is no need to spoil today by worrying about that future, though.
It will get worse. My Ah tried controlled drinking. The hiding it from me got worse and the lying got worse. He will be back where he was only worse. I am sorry to tell you that. Learn to take care of you and focus on you and what makes you happy. Alcoholics will lie to get what theywant and they will never admit how much they have drank. Good luck and god bless.
There is no such thing as an alcoholic having "controlled drinking" Sounds like he's trying to put you in denial...I hate when the disease makes us not see the truth. I agree he's probably taking a short vacation. Good luck....be careful and take care of yourself.
Dearest Summergirl, I too fell into that "mudhole". I wanted so much to believe that things were getting better because he had cut way back on his drinking. Or I should say that he cut way back on what I saw him drinking. That what our loved ones do. They are so ashamed and full of guilt that they are willing to try any tricks to make us think they are getting controll of the whole thing when the whole time they are losing more and more. It may in fact get better for a short time but when they slip back they slip back further than they were before. I hate to dash your hopes but the truth is always best. I had my hopes dashed so many times and if I can help you at all by sharing my expereince then I want to do just that. I really wish you the very best and remember to keep the focus on you and how you are doing. Best Wishes
