The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What won't I do so that I don't have to look at me. I hear the "be gentle with yourself" and " if a friend were going thru this what would you say to them?" But even with a friend there comes a moment when you have to say "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR FANNY!" When being kind and gentle to myself is just allowing me to stay the same. I can't ignore my feelings. There are real and they are mine. But I am seeing that I will do just about anything (re:last post) so that I don't have to do the work I need to do for me. All day I have been going over what happened yesterday and the feelings of compassion I have developped all of the sudden for my ex AH. He is sick, that is obvious, he is suffering, the poor guy, he doesn't have anyone in his life to tell him what is really going on with him (this is true) him, him, him, him. What about me?! Why am I not thinking about me and why I did what I did. How I feel about it and why I never want to do that again or be that vunerable to him again. Why am I unconcerened about myself and MY feelings, MY pain, ME, ME, ME, ME! Gosh, if I were an alcoholic I would be dead drunk. Yesterday was such a tease. I kicked right into caretaker mode. I jumped into the fantasy with both feet. But it's a fantasy with no solid ground and I don't want to have to keep falling. I am weak right now. I am in a horrible place in my life. I know this will pass and life will be better and I will learn to live with all this. I know I will never be the same, none of us will be. I am confused and hurt but I am still here and walking upright. I don't know why yesterday happened but I can guess. On his part I know why it happened, that much is crystal clear. But on my part it seems so complicated and convoluted that just thinking about trying to figure it out seems exhausting and it is so much easier to look at him. AAGGGHHH this is when I hate this program for bringing me to a place where I can't be in denile. I can't go backwards. Forward, because I can't sit still.
Ain't accountability great??? All kidding aside, it sounds to me like you ARE growing, and realizing exactly what you have to do.... for YOU. Recognizing and accepting our actual circumstances is a huge step within our own recovery.... Once we accept things for what they actually are, we can move towards doing something about it... prioritizing ourselves, etc., etc.
I know it's just words, but it's all a part of your recovery process.... Keep on truckin....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am not real clear on this one myself . . . sometimes I think I am just "empty" inside, and my thoughts naturally "go" toward what is THERE, which is generally other people and significantly the A. To me it's mostly habit, because I know I am THERE too :D . But after being raised in an alcoholic home, and my three long term relationships with alcoholics/addicts, I have had a whole life time of ignoring my own work to focus on other people.
Sometimes it takes what happened with your A yesterday to bust through into just where you are right now . . . what about ME?? What am I doing for ME? If so, all's well that ends well. You see the fantasy for what it is, but yesterday you could not have. That's called one of those f*&^))* growth experiences :D . Painful yes, but today you are much farther along than yesterday.
You wouldn't be the first person to have a weak moment, to revert to old behaviors anyway. You are among friends who've done it too, and your honesty about your whole experience is so hopeful, for you, and brings hope to others who may be reading in the wings.
I'm proud of you, and you got some :D, and now you're back on track. It's OK, we love ya and are rooting for ya. Forward is toward peace and healing and serenity, just remember that . . . Kim :)
This is how my last encounter with the A went and it is what transformed my thinking. I too felt pity and sorry for the poor sick little man but something inside me realized that it was done. It clicked for me and I lost all my anger and resentment for him but realized that he is sick and I don't want to get pulled into his black hole. Everything in life is about perception. Why doesn't matter why you did it? Why he did it? What matters is how you perceive it and what you do with that perception. I took it as I love him but can't be with him anymore and it's time to get on with MY life. You will take it how you take it. I would guess his motives to be (remember only a guess) he's testing the waters to make sure that you're still there for him when he wants you. It seems from what you said like it didn't really mean anything. To you maybe it means what it meant for me, that he's not so wonderful anymore, that he's pitiful and that I can do way better. The man I loved is gone and has been replaced by this sad excuse for a man who needs to find validation from his alienated wife because he feels so bad about himself. I see this as a power thing, that he's trying to see if he still has the power over you. You have your own power to decide how it will go down next time, how you will take this, how you react to and feel about it. I didn't feel bad, just sad with a knowing inside that it was really over.
Quit beating yourself up.....Here's the way I see it...You're a woman...you have needs, they were met by someone you are familiar with and he met your needs. Simple. Now quit beating yourself up about it. Hopefully it was fun and you enjoyed yourself. Now make a new plan and go ahead with the plan. Sometimes it takes screwing up once or twice to feel regret and it wakes us up to see it's not really worth all that. Maybe someone else could meet our needs even better. I think you will be ok. You're all grown up and I know by all your posts that you will pull out of this one without a scratch. Make us proud girlie. :) mwah xoxox
I see tremendous growth in understanding your triggers, seeing red flags and taking care of yourself. Sometimes taking care of yourself is a day by day thing. Other times it requires a different tack. I don't think anyone but ourselves can tell what it is and when it is necessary. I also know that I find any time at all around the A incredibly triggering. The A I've been involved with is a skilled and effective manipulator.
I am glad you are here and working on yourself it is a joy to watch you grow.
