The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
to try to "fix" my AH. Or to even consider curing him in anyway. I sought Alanon purely for selfish reasons, for me. I made the decision to go to meetings for me, to post on this board to help me. I never even thought my seeking Alanon would have any effect on him. He is deep in denial & I don't ever see him seeking recovery. And honestly, I didn't even plan on telling him about the meetings. Eventually maybe, but not now.
Does that make me selfish or heartless?? Does it sound like I don't love my AH, I sure wonder some days if I still do??
Tomorrow is my first meeting. Maybe I will have a little better understanding of all this after that???
You are ahead of most! Most come to fix the A. It is then that we learn that it is ourselves that this program helps to "fix". You are not selfish! You are doing the right thing.
It doesn't sound like you are selfish or hearless--it sounds like you are taking care of you, which is exactly the point!!
In the intro to my home group meeting, one of the things that is said is "Remember that in Al-anon we keep the focus on us and not the Alcoholic." It's all about you, and that's okay. Al-anon is about finding serenity and even happiness "whether it Alcoholic is still drinking or not."
It's funny, alot of AAs still believe that all we do in Al-Anon meetings is bash them--I guess that's to be expected. It is, afterall, "all about them" in their minds isn't it?? Personally, I believe that most are there because they love an alcoholic--we just have to learn how to live life despite that fact.
Congratulations to you for taking the first step and good luck on your personal recovery journey--it is a wonderful thing. It is certainly not easy if you do the work and really take the process seriously. However, it is worth it. I know that it saved me--emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I am excited for you. Good luck and keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
We all come in from different places but for the same reason, to find peace and serenity for ourselves no matter what the A is doing. Over time, we realize we find peace and serenity for ourselves no matter what ANYONE is doing out there. It's an ideal and a goal and a process to get there . . . from a person who's read or entertained about every self help theory, Alanon fits right in and seems to include them all, and then some.
Trying to fix or cure my A was not a particular problem for me to let go of either :), it was not too difficult for me to see that I could do nothing to stop him or change him, and it was not my fault he has a disease and is acting out on it.
I have plenty of OTHER stuff to work on however, and where I may have sailed through this or that obstacle there are current obstacles that baffle me to my bones. They are about ME, at least.
Doesn't make you sound selfish at all.... it makes you sound....... HEALTHY.
I think I stuggled with the difference between "self-care" and "selfish" for a long time, and wrongly thought that taking care of myself, and/or the needs of my young kids, was "selfish" (which of course it was not).
I applaud you for where you are at.... I could have saved my time a heckuva lot of anguish if I had accepted these facts earlier on in my relationship with my A.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Here's a testimonial for you.....I was sinking with the ship right along with my ah. I started to take care of myself and live around him as if he were dead. I started going to church and taking care of only me and our kids and guess what..........he wanted the happiness that I had, he followed me and found it in our church. Sometimes you can lead the horse to water but it's up to him to drink and sometimes he will... Live happy and healthy and make him want that!!! ;)
Thank you everyone!!!! I just love to read all of your posts & replies. I don't feel so alone anymore. And your experiences really help me to see mine in a new light.
Friendofyours, you know, I actually have been living like he is just a fixture for some time now. And that is one of the things he yells at me about alot. I can't help it, it is the way he chooses to be. So we have all adapted to that. But he wants it both ways & he can't understand why it can't be that way.
!!!