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I am so glad someone wrote recently that they did the steps like I seem to be: 1 2 13 1 1 Would appreciate your input on the following and what is ESH again? (: I think that's what I am asking for??
So AH yo yo's every other day it seems, cutting back but functioning days, isolated drinker, quiet and passes out when had too much. Knows I attend al anon and we're both trying. I don't think he wants to ever not drink but the disease already has him and he doesn't know it.... I believe???
So he wants to take kids to amusement park overnight trip while I help other kids prepare for move to college. I am hesitant, say ok unconfidently. Then, I go tell him my hesitancy is if he was driving after drinking or passes out in motel rm when with kids. That won't be a problem and he is acting pissed off. No words just how he moves with one word answers - after two questions I went to another room. He's gone to bed with no usual acknowledgement.
This is how it has always been and I would have to drag it out to find out why angry. If I try that, he's beyond listening to me, it's final authority and I started the whole mess according to the A. I know the drill but it still makes me question. Is this lack of support for him trying to cut down, this always makes me seem to be the one opeining the can of worms or stirring up the mess cause he bottles everything inside.
I really do feel more confident as I learn and use some al anon tools, slogans to try and stay sane. Yet, remember I'm new so I don't get this all, I feel like sometimes this approach just can always result in the A not being successful with treatment & program and the marriage is most usually split up. So then can you have sanity, sober A and couple/family ever heal & move forward? If not then, does Al Anon really work?.......... that doesn't sound right but I hope you know what I mean. I like to hear that I didn't cause it, control it or cure it but my part of trying to work on all the different issues to improve marriage and deal with family mental health issues have encouraged him to use his coping tools of A. So isn't that a contribution to the mess, don't we actually give each other insanity? If this is really just slipping back to denial out of fear and for the easy (Ha!) way then I am a whimp, to slide so quickly & so easily from a few words and crummy attitude. this confusion is the insanity so I must be back to denial but I really want some logic about my above questions. thks.
-- Edited by ddub at 01:56, 2007-08-21
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
In my experience, when I tried to point out the addiction, suddenly my A was into a mad huff, and somehow the blame got shifted to me. This is a tactic that worked so often on me--it was very, very, very effective in shifting my focus from the real issue "addiction/drinking" to whatever the A wanted to be in a huff about.
I would trust your own judgement and knowledge of the situation here. If you are worried even one iota about the kids safety on an overnight trip, TRUST YOURSELF and PROTECT YOUR KIDS. You can state simply that you do not want him to take the kids on a trip without getting into a big argument.
Also, I encourage you to get a sponsor. My sponsor has been very helpful in helping me sort out exactly these kinds of dilemmas.
Alanon is not a way to get your husband to stop drinking, and it is not a way to save your marriage. It is a way to save you, and hopefully your children, from being destroyed by this disease.
If changes on your part lead him to a decision to stop drinking, bonus. Same if your marriage gets better. For me, letting go of his drinking, focusing on me, setting limits on the behvaiour, not the man, led to improvement in my marriage, to the point that we could stay together, pretty happily, until he hit his own bottom and sought recovery. When he finally crawled into rehab, it had nothing to do with me - we were getting along quite well at the time, in fact the marriage was the only thing going right in his life. For other people, working the program has the opposite effect - it gives them the strength to see tht the marriage is unhealthy and that they need to get out. You really won't know where your journey will get you until you get there.
I gotta agree with lin. You do what you do for you and the kids and he either gets better, stays the same or gets worse. Either way, it's about you doing right for you and them despite him. It takes two to save a marriage and both have to be committed. This doesn't mean you giving in on your boundaries in order to placate him. If you are concerned about the safety of your children because of his drinking and driving or passing out while they are in his care, just think how you would feel if you said/did nothing and something horrible happened? You are the sane one and it's important for you to make safe healthy decisions for your kids. Sure they want what they want but that's not always what's best for them. As long as it relates to YOU or YOUR CHILDREN, you are not "opening a can of worms" you are setting boundaries. IE you will not drink when our children are in the car or in your care... and even then that's no guarantee he won't do it anyway.
Nope, Alanon will not save your marraige, and no matter how well you work your program, it will not make him change one way or another.
All it does is remove YOU from his equasion, stop you from interfering with him hitting his bottom, where he needs to hit, so he can make a decision. Alanon is more about getting out of the way of the disease. Alanon works if YOU and the kids are "saved", not the A or the marraige or even the family.
That's not to say we don't hope like heck that they do get the help they need and quit killing themselves. We just take ourselves OUT so the disease does not kill us too.
Remember your husband has a Higher Power active in his life every day. You don't need to supervise, he's already being supervised. You are being called to save yourself no matter what he is doing.
Sometimes A's will respond in kind when the partner stops interfering, detatches and begins to live a healthier happier life. But it still is entirely up to them if they will. They need to get to a place where they KNOW they are causing their own horrible dilemma in their bones. The best thing to do for them is get the heck outta the way, and let them go with dignity.
Your post posed a GREAT question I'm sure is being asked all the time. It gave you an opportunity to hear what Alanon is really about. Take care, keep it up :) Kim
Every person, couple, marriage, etc is different. Some A's do come around and find recovery once we Alanons start to get healthier. Some do not. It is my belief that no matter what the A does or does not do, all including the A, are better off if we work our program. If we work our program and get better, everyone around us has a better CHANCE at getting better. That doesn't mean everyone around us will take our lead and get better. We can not force the issue. The harder we try the further away we push the solutions to our problems.
Also, one of the things I am just starting to realize is that the A is NOT the source of all of my problems. The source of my problems is inside of me and in the way I allow myself to react to what goes on around me. This has been really difficult for me to acknowledge and accept, but I am getting there.
It is couragous for you to see this program working for others, and without knowing how or why, to keep at it with faith that you will eventually understand.
None of us will ever have all the answers. That's why we all work together, pooling our E,S, & H.
You are in the right place. Keep posting these great questions.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
