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Would it be wrong to make a new rule around here??? So I have figured out that I can't control my A husband drinking. I totally get it and I have accepted it. WOO HOO!! He knows the rule now that He can no longer drive the kids anywhere alone. Now would it be a controlling issue if I told him that he chooses to drink that's his choice, not mine. But I will not allow alcohol in the home anymore. Or would that be asking for trouble?
I would think you were completley foolish if you didn't have that rule in place. Who cares if it starts an arguement. It's your childrens lives and you can not replace them once they are dead. Good luck. I agree with you.
When my AH told me he thought he was an alcoholic and he started AA and everything he quit drinking at home. But then that meant he would drink and then drive home all the time. Then I sat and worried about him getting in an accident and I never knew where he was. I actually told him to come home and drink because I was scared to death of the other conseuences. I don't know your situation completly but that is what happened in mine. This went on for several months. He didn't want me to know he had been drinking because he wasn't ready to give it up yet. But he also wanted to look like a good huband and father. Which he is when sober. If he is violent that is a great rule. There is no right or wrong answer just different consequences.
Every A's reaction to the "no drinking in the house rule" is going to be different. When I tried it I found hidden vodka bottles in all kinds of weird places. When he found out I knew he was still drinking at home he said "it's his house too (which I couldn't argue with) and if he wants to drink here he will." That one didn't work for me at all.
For every boundary there has to be consequences. I wasn't prepared to move out and he wasn't about to either so it became a non-issue. The only thing I could do was leave and find something to do if I didn't want to be around it. I came to the realization that he was going to be here drunk whether he drank here or elsewhere. It was the "drunk" that I didn't like, not where he did it. So, no matter what I said... it was going to happen one way or the other.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Depends on what your motives are for the rule, what you hope to accomplish, what you are willing to do to enforce your boundary.
Some good points have alredy been made. If you insist he does not drink at home and he abides by that, it means that he will drink somewhere else, not that he will stop drinking. Does that accomplish anything you want? What will you do if he doesn't pay any attention to your rule?
For me, I found that the only boundaries that worked were the ones that we both knew I would go right to the mat for. They also had to be ones that he also agreed with - he didn't necessarily have to like it, but he also thought it was a good and reasonable idea. Not driving the kids while drunk is a good example of that - he knows that it is important enough that you would enforce it, and he also most likely also knows that it is right. He loves the kids too and would be devastated if anything were to happen to them.
The point of boundaries is not to gradually increase them until he is finally doing what you want him to do. You are not training an animal to pee where you want it to. The point is to make it clear, to yourself and to those around you, what you will and will not live with. If the worst part of this whole situation to you is that bottle sitting on the counter, or those beers in the fridge, then by all means say "no alcohol in the house". But if the real problem is him drunk, not him drinking, or if the real problem is what he DOES while drunk, then those are the issues to deal with.
I totally agree with the no driving the kids. Great move on your part for your kids sake. However, my past experience with the no beer in the house only opened up a whole new creative side to my A. We had concrete steps that had a hole in the top step....filled with beer cans. Old tire in back yard....beer cans. the top of my clothesline pole was hollow....beer cans. And they will push that rule to the limit. Set a beer outside the back door and run back and forth. You see, my motive was to make him not drink. I now know that it did not matter what rule I set in place, that man was going to drink. Examine your motives. You may only be setting yourself up for more frustration than you need. Good luck.
That's the rule in this house! No reason for you to allow alcohol to be around if you do not want it. You are calling the shots...if you will pardon the pun. Set boundaries that suit you. The only thing it depends on is whether or not you want booze around the place. So he will drink somewhere else. That doesn't mean you have to keep a stock handy on the dining room tea cart. Say, No!", and that's that. Yep, you will no doubt find a stashed bottle from time to time. But that should not lessen your resolve. What's the consequence? There really does not have to be one, except a reminder that you don't want it. Then you may tell him, in no uncertain terms, where he can put the bottle. LOL!!! There's something to look forward to.
AlAnon should not make amateur psychoanalysts out of us. It should give us the courage to do what we think is right for us. I get annoyed when people start reading deeper than they have the credentials to do. Stick to what you think is right for you and your precious children.
Best wishes,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:49, 2007-08-21
-- Edited by Diva at 10:09, 2007-08-21
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I always feel like I don't have any good input because I am so new. But I want to say something anyway, know what I mean??
I think the rule of no drinking & driving with the kids is an excellent rule!!! As for the no drinking in the house, I think some of these other replies have some very good points. I can honestly say it never occured to me to tell my AH no drinking in the house, I know exactly what his reaction would be.
Good luck on whatever you decide to do. This surely cannot be easy!! {{{{{Silvana}}}}}
To me, that sounds like a "boundary", and a damn good one. The one thing I would encourage you to do, however, is think through the repercussions of what happens if/when he doesn't follow this boundary. If we tell an A such a boundary, and there are NO repercussions for them not following it, then it is just more frustration for US.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom is right on this. I suppose there does have to be a consequence to every boundary, even one that says no liquor in the house. "I'll smash it over your head!" rather appeals to me. In my case, it is made easier because the house is mine. Sometimes gets tedious dealing with this doesn't it?
Best of luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
