The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A and I run a business together. He does the labor and I manage the schedule and bookkeeping from home. He gets the money directly from customers when work is completed. No way to change this. I realize I can't control this aspect. My dilema is, I would like to work part-time but can't make enough to pay gas and child care. Any suggestions are welcome.
Also, apparently in this state(ID), it does me no good to have separate checking accounts. I am still liable for his debts as well as mine. I have learned to control his access to our acct by giving him just the check he needs for fuel every day, but that is tedious and tenuous control at best. I have considered another acct for me only, but there is no extra money to put in it anyway so why bother. Again, any suggestions would be appreciated.
Just thought I'd pick your brains this morning. Mine is tired. Have a good day all.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
First suggestion? If you don't already have one...get a sponsor and a home group. You mentioned that he gets the money directly from the customers. Is he an honest drunk. Does he bring it back to the family or is he into heading for the bar or store before he gets home? If he is honest you might be running on fear of the future...the "just in case" I run in from time to time. I am in that time now and I know it is fear for me. I am more conservative than my spouse and have different habits and beliefs so therefore I have fear when she isn't meeting my expectations. I however overlook how I handle the situation (denial) at times. The problem could be trust and fear!
Could a part of the solution be helping him (you both) build the business? If you are good at what you are doing and now could you use it to grow where you are at? Is he good at what he is doing now or is the business a non-business because of his drinking? (Sorry this is how my recovery helps me process my situations.) Handing him money for expenses is a usual business function. If he is okay with how it is going; no complaints, resentments or arguement should you change it or your attitude about it being too tedious and tenuous? Is that control or part of you work? (I do! I really do think like this.) I am sure you'll agree that I don't know the whole of what is going on in your or your alcoholics life and it simply seems that trying some "acceptance" might help for a while. Acceptance of the whole thing.
Another acct for me only suggest a separation plan as does getting my own job. Are you at that point? I can tell you from my experience with my alcoholic that the banks was not a practisioner of anonymity. They will disclose to the spouse or next of kin whatever is available regardless of whether they are signed on or not. It works for me at times and against me also, go figure!
The best part of this I guess was at the start...getting a sponsor.
Well my ESH is for 7 years I struggled really hard with an A to pay the bills. We did ok for a longlong time. Then there was time when it all came tumbling down. I had tremendous denial and fear for years around it. Eventually we lost pretty much everything. I then spent a lot of time trying to salvage stuff that didn't happen in general.
Trust and fear are biggies I went round and round on them. I also went around on responsibility and entitlement. The A felt entitled I felt loyal.Eventually my health went out the window. Then I started feeling loyal to me and started taking care of me.
I don't think any of us can deliver a map. I will say the tools you can learn here help. I also think that surrendering as difficult as it is helps. I surrendered to it was one unholy mess/nightmare. That helped.
I've been here a few years. I can go to overwhelm still but I do better than I did. I am still functioning. I function better I'm proactive for me that's progress. .
I agree, this is where working one on one with another Alanon would be really helpful, especially as this will be an ongoing thing.
But in the meantime I'm in the same boat as you sans the A. I've reseached a little bit about "virtual assistants" on line, where you actually take calls, type stuff up, network, etc, probably do some mailing/emailing. Are you good at typing? Proofreading college student papers?
Any kids around that need a couple hours of supervision/milk/cookies after school before the parents get home, or before school?
There a website called www.fusioncash.com where you take little surveys, submit your zip code or email address (a throw away one) and get a buck or two each time. So far I've made about 45 bucks, that's ALMOST a tank of gas :D . Every little teeny bit you can sock away is an affirmation of taking care of you and the kids. The only thing I'd warn against is use a throw away email because you will be SPAMMED to death :D.
Ever heard of the "poem" Desiderata? In it there's a great line . . . something like "when you begin to move, Providence moves with you" that is butchering it I'm sure. The point is when you begin to take action, "stuff" starts falling into place and energy builds up around your efforts. That has been my direct experience anyway.
Probably the biggest results will come from the "work" inside of you that you are doing by working with the program, keeping your eyes and your mind open to opportunities and new ideas.
I'm there with you in this adventure. And it's apparent it's not so much what I do or how I do it, but that I'm open to "getting there". If that sounds woo woo, well, it is a little, my faith in myself and HP took a beating, and so I'm seeing the importance of a solid foundation for myself from which to reach out, get out there and take care of myself financially.
This is such an important subject, thanks for posting it! Kim
Even though it's after the fact why don't you get a prenup? It's not too late to sign papers asking that a certain percent is yours and vice versa. I have a bank account that my husband is not on and I am not responsible for his accounts. Once I divore he takes those debts with him. Even if I stay with him they are no my responsibility. I never signed up for anything with both our names. I knew better. Even if he gets in a car wreck and the insurance is in my name and both vehichles are in both our names...if I drop him from my insurance he is responsible for his own debts again. I don't know who you are hearing this stuff from but research it before you believe everything you hear. It's part of taking care of yourself. Good luck
Could you take on extra bookeeping clients on the side? In other words, create your own home+based business using the skills you already have? MY AH and I also run a business together where I work from home and take care of our daughter. I have taken on freelance clients to boost my income. Just a thought!
