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Hello all, Thanks for reading. I'm new here so please bear with me. My AH and I a trying to work on our marriage. I feel like he is blaming me for his drinking still, I know I did not cause this! He says I feel that way because I am a trigger for him.........I don't know enough about this........help??
Some background....he recently finished an outpatiant program and is currently attending an after care meeting and a weekly aa meeting.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I strongly urge you to learn as much as you can about this disease and find some meetings in your area for yourself. Remember your recovery has to be about you and for you, rergardless if he chooses recovery or not. Recovery is absolutely possible for both people. So don't give up hope!
A word about triggers. When hubby relapsed (again) we had a meeting with a councelor in detox. AH said that I trigger him. A trigger can sometimes explain why a A drinks. But it doesn't jusitify it. Finances are another big trigger for my A because he lost everything when he drank. But as the councelor explained: Yes there are triggers, but the A is responsible on how he/she reacts to those triggers. They can choose to use or not, to drink or not. My A is now sober for over a year, and several weeks ago we talked about those triggers. He said the same thing that his councelor told. It is through his counceling, mental health work as well AA that he has learned how to handle those triggers. Because in truth, an addict really doesn't need any excuse to drink. They can say they took a drink because the sky is blue. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. Just like we have choices about recovery so do they. We all have to be ready for our recoveries. All you can do is be loving and supportive in his attempt to do this. Good for him! I hope it sticks.
Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It takes a while for the alcoholic, even when they are newly sober, to understand that they themselves create their alcoholic dilemmas, not you or the dog or too much stress at work.
It's hard for anyone to come to understand that we are responsible for ourselves only whether an alcoholic or someone who loves an alcoholic. Most people seem to run around their lives blaming others for this or that, when in truth we make our own choices all along.
If you are a trigger, HE still has to "pull it", does that make sense? It's HIS gun. You could strap him down and try to pour alcohol in his mouth but he can still keep his lips closed if he doesn't want to drink. YOU can't "cause" him to drink, but he'd like you to believe that you could.
Alcoholism is a disease of the mind body and spirit. I urge you to learn as much as you can about the illness, as well as going to Alanon meetings, coming here to post questions and ask for support or feedback. Learn all you can from us about how alcoholism affects the wives/husbands/parents/children of the alcoholic, you'll find yourself reflected here. You'll be able to get some clarity for yourself. Don't look to him for clarity, or understanding. He couldn't possibly have any yet, being so newly sober. He's a sick man, his thinking is sick still, and he probably can't help it at all.
Alanon is about YOU and how you can live a better life no matter what the alcoholic does or says. I thought this was a rather strange premise for a program at first . . . didn't really believe it . . . until it turned out to be TRUE :) .
I recommend a book called Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew, it has filled in so many holes in my understanding of how the alcoholic thinks and most importantly how to make sure I'm OK and getting the healing I need after living with an A for years.
Take care, I hope you read through this site, lots of personal stories and success stories, and don't hesitate to ask questions. We're glad you're here! Kim
Welcome to the mip family. My AH got out af rehab 11 days ago. It was so scary but he learned what his triggers are and it is prettymuch anything you can think of is a trigger for him. He has to learn how to deal with those. It is not your fault he can not blame you and you can't blame yourself. My Ah is 32 days Sober. It is hard. If he wants sobriety bad enough he will work at it and do what it takes to stay that way. You need to read anything you can and keep coming back here and reading the posts. Get to a face 2 face meeting if possible. Take care of you. That has been the hardestfor me. Take care of me before him. Good luck
Listen to these others, and do not accept the blame he wants to lay on you. It is a game he will play until he learns better. All A's do it.
Keep coming back here, and find some f2f meetings. Alanon really works, if you work it.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The next time it is brought up, you can ask him what his sponsor says about it. Lay it back on him - it is HIS business to get himself sober, not yours. Unless his sponsor is a newbie, he will not get far with that line - it's BS, and everybody (probably even your A) knows it.
). I strongly urge you to learn as much as you can about this disease and find some meetings in your area for yourself. Remember your recovery has to be about you and for you, rergardless if he chooses recovery or not. Recovery is absolutely possible for both people. So don't give up hope! 
I hope it sticks.
