The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH asked me again today, how am I doing today? He does this whenever he acts with druggie type behavior and I call him on it. I do not accept that kind of behavior from him anymore. The lies and the deceptions of himself and me, I bring out in the open. I do not accept excuses. Then he wants to know how I think he's doing. I am not his judge.
I read a post recently about external controls, and I realized that is what he is doing. He is using me to gauge his behavior.
So I told him this evening that its not about me. It's not about what I think. I can't be his barometer. "You have to get right with you. You have to find your value in yourself. You have to decide you are worth putting out the effort for. If you do it for me and the kids it won't stick. You'll do ok for awhile then right back to the same stuff. You have to do this for you." So he almost cried. I could see it on his face, the hopelessness. Hopefully it will pass.
I am starting to realize that I can take care of me. I don't know how, yet, but I know I can. And for awhile, I won't even like it. I really hate not having him here. I was getting to like some of the good times when we were doing things around the place together. For awhile we acted like a real family, with everybody pitching in. But I realize now that he was doing it for us, not himself. And I was relishing the idea of someone helping take care of me. It felt for awhile like security, but now I know it was a fantasy. There is no security in being taken care of by an A. So, though I really am not liking it, I am changing my own attitude about taking care of me. I know now that I must rely only on myself if I ever want true security.
Another thing, I told him that I am not going to act like some kind of part-time girlfriend. I don't want him hanging on me, getting kissy, rubbing my back, etc. It makes me uncomfortable in light of recent events. I feel I need to be on my guard around him. He is not living here, so he is not to assume he will eat here unless invited. He may visit often if he likes, but will call before he comes out. I need my space and privacy.
Anyway I hope some of this makes some kind of sense. We just finished up or local County Fair and I am so tired.
We did great showing our goats. One of mine took Grand Champion Dairy (very, very, very small fair, but still a nice positive), and we had several blue ribbons including my sons' pet goat. He even got good comments from the judge about how good he did showing. He's 7yrs old and very proud of his big goat, Taz.
If you got this far, thanks for listening. Maybe now I can really get some sleep.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Strong and courageous share. Keep on keeping on!! It seemed to me like you are handing him and care of him back to him. Hopefully he'll have the awakening and do the right thing for him. I know how his shoes fit and it took me a while to change mine and be more comfortable in my own rather than so dependant upon a care taker for my self esteem and happiness. I will be forever grateful for being let go of and the resentments in the process were only temporary.
It seems that more than several of the members here anre into goats. True? Maybe I should look into the positive effect that has on recovery. How do you potty train one? They don't bark too much or chase after cars do they? I got pups that sometimes eat grass but thats as close to goats as they get. Their cool.
Goats are easily potty trainable, like dogs, they don't like to "go" in their nest.
But I must not go there because I want to tell you Jen that I saw that same look in my A's eyes. It was heartbreaking, in a way. They are so far away in their disease, we can't help them, I know I got past the point of even caring. It was too much after a while.
Your post makes perfect sense, BTW. They are so dependent and needy, it wreaks havoc on a love life, it feels vaguely "wrong" to be intimate with someone so broken down and needy. I never stopped feeling that strong physical attraction to my A, but when he touched me it bothered me a lot, like almost a repulsion. Part of me yearned for it, part of me was repelled. I did not want to hurt him, but he could not/would not read my "signs" and thus would just blunder on in for some affection, which I didn't feel, like you, in light of recent events.
I applaud you too, in the attitude change toward self sufficiency. Same here, it was so alluring to have someone who seemed like they could take care of me.
All I can do is relate with your experience, not offer much but a whole lot of support and cyber hugs. Glad to hear from you! Take care :) Jerry needs a goat methinks . . . Kim
