The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally returned home after two days at a friends house. Those of you who read my last post...will remember that we got into a huge fight...he started to call me crazy, I told him to quit, he called me delusional...I told him if he didn't stop that I would leave the house and stay with a friend...he kept at it. As I was getting ready, he called me a c***. I was worried he'd be mad that I left and stayed gone for those two days. He asked where I'd gone...I told him and said calmly, "I need you to understand that it is NEVER okay to call me names like crazy, delusional, or c***, that it is disrespectful to me as not only your wife but as a human being." He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking dejected with his head bowed, and then he said quietly, "I don't remember calling you names." I wanted to strangle him...didn't remember?!! BUT I counted to 10 in my head, took a breathe, and said, "fine, you don't remember but I do, and it still doesn't make it okay just because you don't remember...Don't do it again."
He said he was sorry...and I started to read a book. Well, he started in with the wanting to snuggle or touch me constantly. I feel so mean when I don't respond well to this, but I feel trust has been violated and it needs to built back up. I finally just told him that I wasn't trying to be mean, that I love him, but right now I need space. He got ready to go to sleep, I was still reading, and he started in with his little boy voice, "I can't sleep, I need you to lay down next to me and hold me." Again, count to 10, and calmly said, "I'm not ready to go to bed, I will go in the bathroom to read, and turn the light out so you can sleep." (We live in a tiny studio, hence the bathroom deal). I got up before he could argue, gave him a kiss on the head, and left with my book.
I'm in a calm mind set right now...but it still amazes me that he could actually claim to not remember. He was drunk but not that drunk. He claims to remember only asking me if I deposited his check and then me leaving. However, I'm not going to drive myself nuts with this...it doesn't really matter if he remembers or not...it still crosses my boundaries.
I have discovered through this not so fun event that I have the bestest of friends...One let me stay with her for two days and made sure I ate since she knows I have no money (she lets me keep my dignity by insisting she's doing it for the baby - I'm 10 1/2 weeks pregnant). Heh. Another picked me up on Saturday although she lives an hour away to get me out of the house so I wouldn't brood and she too made sure I had food to eat. They have been my pillars of stregnth when I thought I was clean out of my own...
The hugging thing bugs the heck out of me, too. My A seems to want attention and comfort like that just when he is acting his worst. I am learning not to give in to this manipulation.
You did great not getting upset. You're right, it doesn't matter if they remember or not. It's still wrong. I think they claim to not remember to try to get off he hook. Like if they don't remember then they can delude themselves into believing they are not responsible for it. You also did good to remove yourself from an abusive situation.
Keep up the good work.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I always need the reminders of how it use to be and what happened and what it is like now. When I read your "how it use to be...with me" I get grateful that this program and the people, mostly women, helped me see that I was so dependent upon the wrong signals that told me I was okay and accepted. I found out it wasn't about love it was about need and lust and that I needed to change. Change arrived when I could understand, say, mean and act out the awareness that I truely loved her and liked having her with me and that I didn't NEED her in order to be happy or whole in myself. I can do that without needing another person in my life. In the end when she was gone I was still whole without the physical and emotional dependency.
Arg that sounds so familiar Lil. Often alcoholics will have "blackouts", a period of time they have NO memory of, it's pretty common. But like you said as long as YOU remember, that's good enough info for you.
You are going through a hard situation and you are changing the way you interact with your A. That takes cajones. Give yourself credit for having the faith in the simple tools to use them, and use them well!
My A would "get scared" and try to crawl in bed with me, or would turn on the little boy trick to gain sympathy. I think he really believed in what he was doing, he didn't know any other way. The disease destroys their maturity. If they could see themselves clearly they would run to AA or hide in the desert :) preferably the former.
What we can do to "help" them is to stop justifying their BS, stop tolerating the abusive words or actions, draw boundaries we can enforce ourselves against the behaviors. It's still their choice, but the payback is for us (the peace of not fighting or putting up with it) and for them, if they choose. It's about all that we can do for them, give them the dignity of their own choice.
Keep this up and your life will just get better and better :) Kudos to you! Kim
I'm glad you had a couple days of peace. It is very frustrating when the A claims they don't remember what they have said or done. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. What I learned from that behavior is not to argue with a drunk person. They say hurtful things that can't be taken back. leaving us to carry the memory while they aren't bothered a bit. By walking away at the first sign of their anger we can save ourselves a lot of grief.
take care, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Glad you are feeling better. I found with my AH that he was having blackouts more frequently than what he even realized. He doesn't remember a lot of things that happened. That does not make what they say ok that is for sure. He didn't even have to have much to dring because he was starting to have a tolerance break. I learned to ignore him and not listin to what he was saying. Wich is very hard. I know it is hard they want to hold you or snuggle and you don;t even want to look at them. Good luck and stay strong for you and the baby.((((0))))))
This is kind of a touchy suggestion because I think motivation plays a BIG role, and also there's the potential for abuse of this weapon down the road -
But having said that, I have heard some people suggest taping them while they're saying the things they don't remember, then - IF they agree, IF it can be done as information and illustration rather than punishment - playing it back to them when they're sober.
Meanwhile I add my congratulations & hugs - great job taking action to enforce your boundary, and not getting dragged in to the fight, even though you were invited.
thank you everyone for the support. i have a new outlook on how to deal with our arguments...arguing back is not effective. I know this now. It just raises my blood pressure and stresses me out. Counting to 10, as cliche as it sounds, is a good method for me when I'm angry. oh and breathing.
thinkstoomuch - taping them is an interesting idea; however, i could see how it could backfire if done wrong. you're right...i think the motivation behind doing it would make a big difference in how it played out. I have been writing in a journal; however, its not to remind him of what he's said but to make sure I don't get confused. He is pretty good sometimes at getting me to question my memory.
The A was always projecting all that need all over me. I did "need" him too as Jerry F says so eleoquently. I am really having to examine issues like entitlement, need, dependency and more They are very painful but growth. Entitlement is huge with the A. I no longer believe I have to "fix" him indeed the most important thing today si to fix me which is a minor miracle really.
I am glad you hae support. You deserve it regardless of your situation.
