The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much for all your responses!!! It's so nice to have the feedback. Speaking to my friends and family about of this is so hard. They try so hard to help, but all that does is get me upset. They just don't get it. I'm still trying to get it in in their heads that there is nothing ANY of us can do. Threats do not help. They sit there and say "you guys can't live like this. You need to talk it out!! " There's only so much talking you can do.
I got home yesterday and he wanted to talk. He thinks that I'm taking this way overbaord. He admits that it was wrong driving with my daughter. And that it wouldn't happen again. I've heard "IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN" so many times that now those words from him doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I told him I just can't take that chance anymore. When it was me all this years fine, but now this is our children and I'm NEVER going to put their lives at risk. He says to me that he's going to put effort into all of this but I have to too. I was fuming when he said that. (kept my cool though) I just turned around and told him that "don't you think I have put enough effort in this marriage? After all these years I'm still here. After all pain you have caused? After all the Forgiving? I'm not the same person I once used to be" He says "Oh ok so It's all my fault" I just told him "No It's my fault for allowing it to happen and now things will be differet. I will not allow you to hurt me or the children anymore." I told him once again that it's his choice to drink not mine. You do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do. He tried to give me the guilt trip about everyhting that has gone on this week. "you guys are never home, you leave and don't say where your going. I stop him right away and said "Listen yes we haven't been home. But you knew everytime where we were at. You have made no effort to do any of with us. Went to mom and dad's for dinner a couple of time you couldve easily came with us but instead you layed on the couch feeling sorry for yourself. I took the kids to pizza shop to make there own pizza's (Friends of mine) You chose once again to lay there on the couch. The kids and I stayed home on Friday night to watch "high school musical (Not his time of movie lol) , we mada a fun night out of it, but instead you chose your freinds house and drank. We went to the library, you could said "i'm going too. But no. But that's ok with me. Once again, THOSE WERE YOUR CHOICES NOT MINE." It might have worked in the past but this turning things around on me don't work anymore. so get over it!!!
Silvana, you are absolutely right for refusing to take the blame or harbor the guilt. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. And...good for you for standing your ground and refusing to allow him to drive the daughter. Sorry he feels you are being unfair, but that's tough. Hang in there, and stick to your boundaries. You and your precious child come first.
Best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Silvana, your share is incredible. It is a perfect example of what Diva said, you didn't accept any blame or garbage from him, put it back on him. The miracle for YOU is that you refused to take his blame. Whether he takes the blame for himself or not, well, assume he won't as long as he's drinking.
That's OK, he doesn't have to accept responsibility. You can't "make" him. Your example of refusing to take on his alcoholic bullcrap has helped you feel stronger and better and more positive. You put into words SO WELL how Alanon works.
You can see how twisted the disease makes his "logic". He's a sick man. But your steps to take care of you give him an opportunity to look at himself. Beneath the alcoholic fuzz in his brain, he's still there looking back out and feeling GUILTY. Let him, and we'll all hope for his sake, and yours too, that he decides to take action against his disease.
If not, you have your tools and detatchment and the beginning of a new life. Who knows what will happen for you now?? It can only get better if you keep up your good work.
Your post is so strong and clear.....and feels grounded in yourself....not his reactions. It is inspiring and gives me strength...thanks for sharing. In days to come if you are feeling like it is impossible to maintain this....come back and re-read these past few posts of yours to remind yourself of what IS possible. Re-reading old posts of mine was something that never occurred to me at first, but since then it has been so helpful. I find that my memory can be very foggy with all the confusing emotion and conflict surrounding relations with an addict .... having my words here to look back at keeps me based in reality during the doubting times.....another reason I love this board!
