The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Starting to obsess about the A and what he should do and how is mother should act. Stuck up in my head the past few days...grrrrr.... Had been doing so well staying detached, focusing on me and moving on with my life. Where did this come from?
It is early recovery for him, I've been in a program for a year. We only talk a few times a week now and as friends so we can both put our energy into ourselves and our health. We tell ourselves, if we are supposed to date or be together and that is God's will for us, then we will.
But in my conversations with him, I find myself repeating old thinking patterns and behaviors and getting "re-addicted" to him. I want a healthy relationship and to be healthy for myself. I'm doing the best I can right now and so is he. he is very serious about his program. But I guess I need to consider if we should even have contact at this point. When we do, I am usually at peace. though as I said I have noticed that the spaces in between are hell. I start getting afraid, afraid he'll start playing those mental games with me, afraid he'll start another relationship and hurt me again, afraid the "dance of alcoholism" will start and I'll be caught back up in it before I know. I guess the root of my fear is being vulnerable and getting hurt again. I was so unhealthy in this relationship and it really wasn't a relationship but an addiction for both of us, me on him, him on the bottle. Yuck!
Can it work if we both work a program and do I even want that? I have forgiven him, but not forgotten. I want to be healthy and it is MY responsibility to make sure my needs are met.
I guess I have some praying to do for the next right step for me...
i am in the same boat as you, and me and my A have been trading text messages, emails, and phone calls. Every time i get a message, i am at peace, but the times like today, i'm all freaked out... I'm starting to get addicted again, because i feel so good when we talk, it out-weighs the times in between.
My prayer is "God, please take away my fears, and make me into the man you want me to be." It helps.
I just wanted to send you some ((((hugs)))). I SO GET the whole in touch more = more obsessing about the relationship. Here are two strategies that I have used that have worked for me:
a) Made a list of five choices. # 1 Choice = Obsess from 9-5 LOL. and then I write down other things I would definitely be interested in doing instead and choose one.
b) Remind myself of the slogan, "I can not think myself into right acting, I have to act myself into right thinking" and do a bunch of actions of things I really enjoy and this usually gets me out of obsessing and out of my head and into my own life again.
That sounds so familiar. My ex wife A has been in my life for nearly 30 years. We were married for nearly 18 years before she left me for a friend on mine. Durning that time she has become a full fledged A. She has moved back with me two times and has left me two times.
I feel that I know her so well, was deeply in love with her and wanted to believe we could get back to where we were. I was so wrong. When decision time came the alcohol and Mr. money won out. She was sho good on playing the I love you so much card. And I bought it. I guess I wanted to believe, but found that the power of alcohol was so much more important to her.
So I finally had to detach totally. And it has been very hard. I am getting better, but it is common to have a bad day. I keep saying to myself that time will make it easier. Believe in yourself and believe in the power of Al-Anon. It is making my life better.
You hit the solution!! Get out of the fear. The opposite of fear is faith, the believing as I learned in this program that I am okay and I will continue to be okay no matter what happens. I make winner choices...and I'm okay. I make bummer choices and mistakes and...I am still okay. Ain't nothing wrong with me; I AM OKAY. Was doing a very special, visual project the other day and made the same mistake not once but twice...(no rage and acting out) Aha! Cost me $33.00 bucks to fix it...Aha! I made a more conscious effort the third time...Aha Third time IS a charm. When I get with my sponsor on being human he mirrors that awareness and I usually feel relieved, do some laughing, let go and let God and continue on with the belief that I am okay. My sponsor is most always on the very same page I am and a few paragraphs ahead.
Of course you can obsess. There is such a thing as masochism or martyrdom for those who like pain before peace of mind. You one of those? Don't think so. Keep coming back and have some (((((hugs)))))
