The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was writing this really great, thoughtful, wise post when all the sudden my computer (or HP?) logged me off there by losing all these really awsome, fantastic insights. HHMMMM...... I guess the jist of it is this: I have been missing my ex AH madly the past few days (weeks....years....). I have come to the realization that I can't control him or his GF or where they choose to live ( blocks away from me). What I do have control of is me and where I choose to live. I loved my little village. But now there is no peace for me here. None. I used to have this feeling of peace and saftey when I pulled onto the main st and now I just feel anger and anexity. I can move. I don't feel safe or comfortable here anymore. I am free, I can leave. It will be a pain in the ass selling a house that I have just bought, that we are just feeling at home in but ya know, I want to feel peace and love when I come home rather than anger and trumoil. And I know that whereever you go there you are but THEY will not be there. I will be and I can deal with my anger and grief. I am not moving to run away, I am moving because the constant reminder of them is making me sick. It's the only solution to that particular problem. And what an adventure it will be. Not at all how I had my life planned out but our plans make God giggle! So, missing my ex and wanting him and remembering how close we were and thinking that all I wanted was him to give me time, let me know I was worth his amends to my family and my friends, and to allow me the space to trust him. These things didn't happen on his time frame and so he found another woman. But the worst of it was when he said we couldn't be friends anymore. Tonight after crying on and off today and praying to God to relieve me of this desire for him for days with my whole heart, after months of him NOT speaking or contacting me, he texts me. I Miss You. My heart lept. I tried to think it thru. What comes of this, how will we live happily ever after......y'all know the fantasy. Then the fears, maybe it was a mistake on his end, maybe he was trying to send it to his GF and accidently sent it to me. Maybe he is just playing games with me trying to get the kids or get in my house to steal some more rings. I don't know. But I text him back Me Too. Guess he could take that to mean I miss me too which I do. Or as I meant it that I miss him also. Whatever, he didn't respond again so maybe that's it, that's all it was but I have always felt that my being honest about my feelings is the best course for me. There is no arguing about my honest feelings. It just is how I feel and I am not going to defend or apologize. Love? It sure as hell has felt like love that I have been missing for the past few days. Him. Now I understand what people mean when they say they miss their A. The goodness of them. The person,not the disease. It is still a sad place to be.
Look out Carolinagirl, we might just be neighbors!
Know what you mean. I was reading your post and thinking about moving and communication. I completely understand the desire to get away and move to a "safe" place. If you can't feel serene and peaceful in your own home, or your own town, it's not a bad idea to at least investigate other options. I was also thinking about communication, and how easy it is to contact people now. Through email and texting, we can keep in touch with people around the block or thousands of miles away, so if there is any hesitation on your part about moving away from him and from a possible reconciliation (hey, I don't know what he meant by the message either, but I'm sure that thought crossed your mind ), remember that him getting in touch with you or you getting in touch with him is a simple as hitting a few buttons and keys. Nothing is written in stone. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I so understand the turmoil you feel, the anxiety, the anger, and feeling like a misfit in your own beloved town. A good friend and I had a conversation about this very thing just the other day. Her point was that by moving out of town, the gf "wins" because, ultimately, she is the one who should feel uncomfortable and be unable to hold her head up high. I turned this comment into an experiment and have started looking the gf right in the eye when I see her, rather than divert my eyes or avoid her, and make it easy for her. You know what? She can't stand it and cannot turn away fast enough. It makes me feel empowered, and is a behavior I will continue. Ultimately, I am hoping I can drive her out of town! However, I do know the discomfort you describe, and sometimes the quest for peace and safety can't be reasoned with. The freedom to go to the store, school events, drive down the street, etc., and not have to be reminded of the pain....priceless.
My AHsober seems to think that if we divorce, he will fully support me so that my life with our kids will not change. Yeah, right, he has no idea what is to come. Now, I admit I don't either, but I believe I am a bit more realistic than he is. He has taken my comments re: moving as a threat and leverage, with absolutlely no understanding of my feelings, the pain he has caused me, and my possible need to start over.
As for the kids, I cannot imagine uprooting them, but truly they are adaptable,. As the old saying goes, "home is where the heart is", so we darn well better make sure we move it with the belongings!
I do not know where my life is going right now, but at the moment I still have a bit of hope. I am not packing or listing the house just yet, but I am cleaning out the clutter! I, too, get caught up in the fantasy of happily ever after. What I have been trying to come to grips with in my head, is that no matter what happens, I still may get that. No, it may not be the way I had planned, but it is possible. Heck, it could even be better! The same goes for you.
Hang in there, Serendipity!
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I so know the feelings you had getting that text message. Emotions are very powerful. He said he missed you... sure, why wouldn't he. You are a very special person, stong and getting your life on track. I have gotten many of those, and I have decided to take them for what they are to me.... a compliment, not a promise.
I spent a lot of time and emotional energy trying to plug messages like that into my crystal ball.... that darn thing must have a short in it. ;)
As far as moving goes.... I hate to move. If you are confident it's the best thing for you, then I am right there with you. Nobody can really say but you... and nobody's opinion on the matter, not his, his gf... or ours should play a part in it.
When you and your HP come to an agreement on it.... you will be good to go.
I hope you have a day filled with peace today and know we are thinking of you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Serendipity, I just want to say you've been through so much lately, and I'm sure THIS issue has been bugging you underneath it all, through the tragedy of the little girl drowning. In your shoes I can just imagine wanting to do SOMETHING final to cut loose some of the baggage. I for one perfectly understand the desire to "move away" too.
My town is maybe 400 people DURING THE SUMMER when the snowbirds are here :) . Yeah, I guess it's a village. So I understand the small town impact . . . my neighbor told me over a glass of iced tea the "neighborhood" thought I was doing drugs too and lamented about the neighborhood going to heck in a handbasket because of us. I wanted to bury myself in the ground. Then my A is still drugging and carousing, in town here, going to the little store for hamburger is an exercise in making sure I don't run into him.
I thought about selling out, trimming the livestock down and moving somewhere NO ONE knows me or the A and starting over.
But I dont' have to do anything today. All I have to do is work my program, build myself up with meetings, literature, and listen to the wisdom all around me. TODAY.
And I'm rascal enough to say this is MY home, I have done NOTHING wrong here, I'm a good neighbor, I hand out fresh free range chicken eggs if you dare step onto the property :D , you better have an empty arm or else! I love it here, and I've forged some connections, hope to have many many more. I'm not here by accident, and that's a matter of faith. The "turbulence" sort of gives me something to push against, to triumph over. And finally, what other people think of my is none of my business. I did just fine NOT knowing that people thought I was "doing drugs too", and that is how I'd like to keep it (now that I've calmed down a bit!) .
Thanks for your post, and I too wish you a calm and peaceful day with your girls. Kim
Love with a question mark....perfect...that could describe all our relationships wit A''s probably! I think about this a lot too lately. What I think about is this....I know I loved things about him, I know he loved things about me......but to LOVE, that takes two and it takes honesty and trust and it is an action to me.....and what my A and I had was not that active love together. It is so awefully confusing to me to try and understand how some one I loved so dearly I was not able to truly LOVE. As I write it I doubt it, cause my pride wants me to not accept that what we had wasn't love. It was loving, but it was so full of addiction and codependency that I don't think we actually were loving the way I dream of......I pray I can get to a gentler place and just accept the kind of love it was and not still feel the pain for what it wasn't.
To your situation, I admire your courage to dream and change and find the serenity you need. Thanks for sharing, Fifi
Another page out of my recovery diary and again by a woman. There are more similarities between the members here than there are differences. I learned the definition of love in this program. The learning was difficult, long and with a lot of confusion. It was also very worth it so much so that the definition remains after about 25 maybe 26 years. I was taught it by a woman from the Wednesday Night AFG meeting in Central Valley California and I chased her down after the meeting to have her tell me what her definition was. That is how I got alot of what keeps me together today; asking the membership for help on certain or special issues. I am sure she was referring to "loving her alcoholic" when in the meeting yet after the meeting this is what she told me. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every (any) other person for exactly who they are." While I was focused on loving my alcoholic she directed me to the character of how I treat all others also. Alcoholic was not even mentioned in her definition! It helped me detach from the alcoholic. It helped me to learn and practice "unconditional" acceptance. It became a daily part of my character.
You most likely have heard someone else mention "carrying our baggage around with us where ever we go." You probably have heard a member or two mention that what we suffer from is not so much about the alcoholic by our response to the disease. In other words when I learned to let her go; accept that this was the disease of alcoholism and that she wasn't trying to personally harm my life and peace of soul and mind (that was my job) then I could forgive her and have compassion for her and accept that she was a child of God who was doing the very best for herself with the tools that she had and was an active alcoholic. I left town in peace and with great expectations after learning that I loved her and had no reason to be married to her and desired to be somewhere more supportive of my spirit. I didn't flee or do a spontaneous "geographical". I left under good terms with everyone and ready to leave. I left when people I loved and who loved me wanted me to stay and I knew that staying for them was not reason enough to stay. This included family.
Working this program and building that most important relationship (with my Higher Power) as a basis to all my other relationships freed me to be anywhere I wished to be without fear and knowing that I was okay and accepted to HP, to myself and to others.
You can always leave. Could it be that what is important is what we take with us or inversely what we leave behind? feedback?
Jeez I empathize with you. There were some really awesome moments I had with my Ex that I didn't want to let go of; I had to do some work and find the roots of those feelings and finally realize that I couldn't have all those good moments, again, without accepting the bad ones, again, too. With the support of this family, I believe I've come to terms with being able to warmly remember those moments, yet, continue learning, loving and living today. "L" words aren't that bad!
with love, always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
LMAO< I was just thinking maybe a big change would do you good, how bout NC??? LOL and then there it was at the end. I would LOVE to be your neighbor. WE could go to the beach and forget about our worries here and there. Anyway, I hope you make the right choice for you and your kids and for the right reasons. I know a great little 3br condo for rent for $850 a mo (just downstairs from mine) and it includes cable and water and is 1 min from the beach!
), remember that him getting in touch with you or you getting in touch with him is a simple as hitting a few buttons and keys. Nothing is written in stone.
