The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not quite sure what I am planning to say, so please forgive my ramblings and what are sure to be many grammatical errors.
I want to return to Al-Anon. After about 10 meetings, I quit going. No matter the amazing relief I felt the first meeting as I finally felt like I could release some of my pent up emotion: I felt that I had gained all I could. I felt like I could do it on my own. I didn't want to be a lifer... my silly brain started to tell me that 12-step programs are ALSO drugs... and these people are not much more than addicts themselves. Addicted to the meetings, addicted to the steps.
But my life is slowly unraveling. I started hiding things again, desperately trying to make it all seem okay to the few people I have kept in my life. I was late on my rent, pre-emptively leaving a job before finding another one. I lay in bed all day, napping and feeling sorry for myself. My inner control freak is rearing its ugly head and I find myself trying to do everything, feeling anxious when my boyfriend drives the car. I don't even want to leave the apartment, feeling too worthless to go to our complex pool for fear of being judged in my bikini. I am hiding from life... I feel so out of control and sad and selfish. But I am afraid to return to the meetings... I am scared and wish I could trust that a Higher Power can help me. I want to believe it so badly... but the negatives keep ringing in my head.
I am sad. I am lonely... pushing out most everyone and hurting my relationship to the point that my boyfriend may be done with me soon enough. WHat do I do?
If you're concerned about how others will view you 'coming back' to Alanon if your meetings are healthy, you'll be welcomed back.
When I was in your shoes, what I did was came here, did online meetings for a little bit, got used to meetings and then got my rear end to f2f meetings.
There is some great work on different views of Higher Power in Paths To Recovery. Between that and listening to many many different views of a HP of those in recovery, including the main Christian outlets in America, Native American, Wiccan, Hindu, Easter Philosophies, and on and one, I was able to come to a view of a HP that I was comfortable with.
Interestingly, after I found a HP I was comfortable with, someone in f2f meetings shared with me a church they sometimes attend because it fits their view of a HP and that I might enjoy. I now attend services there regularly and it feels just like an extention of my program.
I know some don't think that religious views are supposed to be discussed in the rooms of program, but if people didn't share their religious or spiritual views and how it related to the HP in their program, I would have had a much harder time finding my own. As long as someone isn't trying to push their HP on me...I'm cool with it.
I've read and heard shared a HP of: their Alanon group, a tree, a doornob (because turning it allows them out of the room), nature, etc.
The program also teaches us to take what we like and leave the rest. If a HP gives you problems with the rest of the benefits you might find in the program, don't worry about it now. If your sick and tired of being sick and tired, it's a great time to come back. Nothing changes unless something changes....maybe you can wake up tomorrow and exclaim...."Let it Begin with Me"
Keep coming back, Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I have learned something about fear in my life from this program. Unless it is a very real physical threat to me that is causing the fear, if the fear is just in my head about a perceived outcome of something, I walk towards the fear instead of away from it. Turning my back on the fear, or denying the fear, or running from the fear only gives Fear the power to control me.
The expression, "The only thing to fear is Fear itself" is so true in many ways. Once we confront the fear and deal with it we so often find it wasn't real anyway. It only existed in our minds. Things seem to go so much better and easier than we almost always dread that they will.
Anyway! Glad you found us and hope you keep coming back, like Bump said, we have online meetings here too.
Many many many people leave the rooms of alanon after a short period to return later -- for whatever their reasons are I always celebrate seeing someone come back. You see I was like that too, my reasons differed from yours and it wasn't long before realizing that I was right back in the insanity.
I hate that you are feeling so out of control, that it is affecting how your perceive yourself, I know this feeling and it is so selfdefeating. My sponsor told me when I was in the worst of it to get up and immediately shower, put on makeup, fix my hair, dress in something I liked and not to forget perfume and earrings -- I was litterally told to do this whether I felt like it or not but the outcome was I felt better a little more each day.
The absolute hardest step is to actually walk in the doors of Alanon, those who do so are the strongest people -- you are one of them You've already done it once and I am sure you'll find the love and support you need to help you thru this again. Until you are ready, you can always post here -- we'll send you many ((((Hugs)))) and offer you our ESH
Just know that you are worth it, you have so much value, and you are loved. Hang in there!
Tropicalrosez, I am a "retread" a couple of times over myself. I was practically raised in the 12 step program, was a member of Alateen as a kid, went to many, many AA, Alanon meetings in my life.
You'd think with that kind of immersion I would have no problem just throwing myself in the pot with everyone else. But my shame, isolation, unwillingness to reach of for help was just as nasty as anyone else's in terms of keeping me away from the healing.
So I rejoined in February of this year, when my pain at what I've caused myself by refusing to "connect" got so bad I wanted it to go away. Welcome, welcome back. The shame is an illusion, for me, no one has run away screaming from me yet. I have only received love and acceptance, for which I am eternally grateful.
I'm glad you're here, and looking forward to getting to know you. Take care :) Kim
I don't think your fears of being a "lifer" are unreasonable, but they may not be healthy for you right now.... From your post, it sure sounds to me like you need meetings, and they will get you back on track..... go for three months, and see how you are doing.... if you feel so compelled, start "weaning" yourself off them after awhile, but try not to cut them out altogether.... ODAT works for this too - you don't need to go to Al-Anon meetings for the rest of your life..... you need to go to one now..... and take it ODAT...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome home. If you are ready to reach out, we will be here. These people have no idea how many times over the last six weeks they have saved my sanity. I didn't expect Alanon to have such a powerful influence on me in such a short time, but boy, was I happy that it did.
Come back to the board! Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
You've already done it once and I am sure you'll find the love and support you need to help you thru this again. Until you are ready, you can always post here -- we'll send you many ((((Hugs)))) and offer you our ESH