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Hi all, I heard Travis Tritt's "Best of Intentions" on the way to work this morning. And parts of it reminded me of how it was like being married to an "A". I am going to post the lyrics.
______________________________________________________________ I had big plans for our future Said I'd give you the whole world somehow I tried makin' good on that promise Thought I'd be so much further by now Never could build you a castle Even though you're the queen of my heart But I've had the best of intentions from the start
Now some people think I'm a loser 'Cause I seldom get things right But you make me feel like a winner When you wrap me in your arms so tight Please tell me you will remember No matter how much I do wrong That I had the best of intentions all along
Chorus: I gave you a ring And I promised you things I always thought we'd do But my best-laid plans Slipped right through my hands To show my love for you And if you could read my heart Then you'd know without exception It was all with the best of intentions
Repeat Chorus
So here I am asking forgiveness And praying that you'll understand Don't think I take you for granted Girl, I know just how lucky I am Though you deserve so much better You won't find devotion more true 'Cause I've had the best of intentions Girl, I've had the best of intentions Yes, I've had the best of intentions loving you ______________________________________________________________
It made me cry, becuase I am sure that at times he has felt that what he was doing or how he was treating me was acceptable. I know other times when he is honest with himself he knows it wasn't acceptable. I can't and won't own his actions, thoughts, or feelings.
My hubby has been in jail since 01/25/07 and will be released on 08/19/07. I find myself getting anxious and testy. I told him last month that if he was going to continue to drink and drug that we needed to end our marriage. For about 24 hours I thought our marriage was over. He called later and we worked it out. But I am starting to think he only did that out of fear. He is talking about going camping with the boys (his friends) and doing manly things like drink and throw beer bottles at fish (wtf?). He says that he thinks he can go out and drink if he wants to, but it will not affect his family. Everything I know about addiction teaches me that is a false hope he has. He may be able to control it, but eventually the beast will take over. And since nothing has actually happened, and I know I can not predict the future, I still have hope and have invited him home when he is released.
But... while he has been gone I have discovered so much about me. The most important, I am not healthy enough to live with him while he is sick. Eventually I will go down with him, and I am not going to let that happen again. I am starting to like me again, and I am becoming healthier. I am gaining confidence. I think this excites him and scares him all at the same time. Heck I know it is doing that to me.
The best of intentions may have been good enough for me about 6 months ago. I want more. Yes I love him, and he is the father of my children. But I want more, and for once I hear the voice in my head that says I deserve "more". I don't want wealth (ok would be nice, but not the most important thing to me, I don't want a big house, a brand new car, I don't want anything that can be bought with money.
I want to be able to trust my partner, I want to be able to not wonder what I am going to be coming home to after work, I want someone who wants to go do something, I want to feel loved, and to not have to cringe when he says he is going to go out with his friends. OMG and to actually like his friends. Ok well to be fair he has one friend who I truly adore, we have known this man for 8 years and he is active in NA.
The song made me cry because my hubby is speaking his best of intensions right now. And I know it isn't enough for me unless his actions back up his words when he comes home. I am sad because I know it will not take another 10 years for me to ask him to leave. I am sad becuase there is a part of me that believes my marriage will be over. But there is still a part of me that holds on to the fact that I am not all knowing and I can not predict the future. I hold on to that hope tightly becuase deep down I want it all to work. And that is something, after 10 years still wanting it to work.
Guess I just needed to get this all out.
Love you my family of choice.
Yours in recovery, Mandy (formerly known as Dolphin)
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I too hope all works out for the better. I know too that sometimes "better" isn't what we percieve it to be. It sounds like this time alone has been good for you. Should your hubby decide to go throw beer bottles at fish I think you will know exactly what is right for you. I hope you have good strong boundaries in place, which I'm sure you do :)
Good Luck to both of you, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post really touched me . . . my A was eloquent about his "good intentions", and so eloquent and heartfelt in fact it kept me by his side for a long long time, even through abuse. But it's not enough, is it?
I'll never live again without a plan B. Since we can't know the future, just like you said, we need to have another path bushwhacked ahead of time for ourselves. You sound strong, honest, and like the program is working wonders for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers during the upcoming transition. I hope the best for both of you. Take care of you :) Kim
I love that song too and it so makes me cry when I hear it. But it also makes me think "what if" and I know for me "what if" is not a good place to be.
What if will never change. But I can. Today, just for today, I need to see my situation as it really is not regret about yesterday or "if only he'd ..........."
So glad you posted hon. I see so much growth in your post. One of our members recently said "why settle for serenity if you can have joy?" Wow, I like that. It's awesome.
I am wishing you much joy in your life. Keep posting and processing.
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I too know that my AH has the best of intentions - I tell him in the most lovingly way possible that I understand your intentions, but in order to keep me healthy, I must go by your actions not by your intentions.
He doesn't always agree with it - I believe it is easier for him to understand it when I explain it to him that way. I tell him these boundaries are not AT you, they are FOR me.
I wish you comfort as you deal with all these emotions and guidance from your HP as you seek what is best for you.
Wishing you Serenity & Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My prayer for you will be for honesty, humilty, openness, willingness, wisdom, and courage...
I was reading about relationships from Marianne Williamson this week , from her book "Every Day Grace". What struck me was that she suggests that when we are in a relationship that we look at the other person through the eyes of the present and not hold them to judgment for the past... in a way, I guess it's about letting go and forgiveness.
I was at a f2f mtg last week, sort of in a similar boat as you asking: "How long do I stay? How many times do I go through this? I'm always there for him... who's there for me?" This young woman said to me, "Try to look at the good in him... the way he loves your kids, the things he does do for you, etc." In a way, it was like a reminder to look at him today as God sees him...
I know where you are -- I'm there too.... I hear the words and the remorse in his eyes... yet he says too how it sucks to not be able to drink, he thinks he can handle having a few now and again. Here is the disease talking... because I know of no one actively working a program in NA who says it's okay to drink. I liked what a previous post said: boundaries for you. I told my AH that in order for me to have peace that I have to have him go to at least 3 meetings a week, trying al-anon, getting a sponsor and working a program totally and with real committment. I feel like I am at war with this cunning and baffling disease and any substance abuse will eventually open the door to a downward spiral for him... where does that leave me and the kids? I told him the alternatives for me to have peace were to remove myself and the children from the house to live in a clean household, or.. to have him leave me and the children or... for him to whole-heartedly embrace the program and be committed to it.
We've been married for 12 years and have two small kids ... and I know he loves them and wants the best for them... but no one ever intends on being a drunk or an addict and so I had to set that boundary for myself. He says he's going to a meeting tomorrow night -- the first in about 20 months... so we'll see.
I also liked the previous post that mentioned plan B. I'm not going to put all my eggs in this basket any more and am taking steps (financially) to get myself in a better position that if I have to leave I can. I think having a plan B will help me feel more at peace.
Mandy, I'll be praying for you and your AH... I pray that he'll be so happy to be home and to see you and his kids and that he'll be filled with gratitude and have no desire to go out ....and that his gratitude will move him to improve his situation by using the program tools of AA/NA. hugs, Lee Ann
