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I posted a few days ago about how well we were doing. I know any marriage normal or otherwise has ups and downs...well we hit a really big down tonight. Background info...I am 10 weeks pregnant and have been having complications with the pregnancy. So...stress there is in my life. yeah. But this last week has been good and we were actually enjoying our time together.
Anyhow, we got into a fight tonight...about money. We were both being unreasonable and I asked him to let me cool down. He kept picking and I lost my cool, so we got into a big fight...Fine. I can deal with fights...I CANNOT deal with name-calling. He called me crazy. I told him not to call me crazy, that it was disrespectful, so he called me delusional. Again, I told him to please not say things like that. That it was fine to disagree and argue but it wasn't okay to call names. He said it again, so I got up and said I was leaving and going to a friend's house. I was getting dressed (it was 12:00 at night) in the bathroom and he yelled out that I was a xxxx. I lost it, I opened the door and yelled that it was NOT OKAY to call me a xxxx, crazy, or delusional, so he did it again. I grabbed my stuff and left. Luckily my friend who lives within walking distance (I don't have a car) was actually up and answering her phone or else I would have been spending the night out on the street.
I just wish I hadn't lost my cool but I let his words hurt me so I lashed out. I am glad that I left because if I have any boundaries...name-calling is one of them. BUT I wish I had handled it better. *Sigh* Tomorrow is a new day, but I really feel like crap now.
-- Edited by lil_pieces at 05:15, 2007-08-16
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:50:48 PM
Hey, you know what - you're a human being. Like you, I hate it when I let my buttons get pushed and get drawn into some stupid argument or conversation. Think of it this way - before you decided to get into recovery, you probably would have stayed there and have it escalate even more. Good for you - you let him know your boundaries and when he crossed them, you got out of the situation. Granted, you may have gotten in a few shots yourself , but the bottom line is you distanced yourself from the upset. Good for you! Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I despise having my sanity questioned. For so long, I have been told and blamed as to how it was all my fault, how I was ultimately the reason things were so dysfunctional. I think, and maybe this is just me, nothing is more personal than when a person challenges our mental state, because what we are really saying is that we are of a superior mental state somehow to them. We are challenging them to prove their mental worth to us. Now, understand that there are times and places where, without a doubt there are people and places that just define crazy and stuff like that; there's a reason that psychiatrists and psychologists make a killing. But at the same time, there's a reason why they're so strictly regulated (hopefully; and even then, some still slip through the cracks). Now, having said all that, I still resent, it's like the most ancient of all my buttons, when people challenge my sanity, my mental health. I despise it. It's like you're telling me somehow I'm less of a human because I have depression, or because I'm bizarre because I'm OCD. And it's like, Oh, you so did not go there. Time and time again, the same people who call me names reguardidng my sanity are the same people who's a**es I save because of my OCD--because the presentation is done right to a T, the prof is like "I think it's so wonderful Sarah thought it through to make this work for your group. I think you all did a great job." *They* did a great job? How about *I* did a great job? *They* were busy saying things about *me!* Okay, ranting. Very sorry. But you get the point. He who laughs the loudest laughs last. Good boundry work. And don't worry too much about those that challenge your mental health--after all, it DOES take one to know one. ;)
In the preamble to Alanon meetings you'll hear "living with active alcoholism is too much for many of us."
Just a little backdrop for the hard work that you did do. You didn't stay around to argue or explain (like he doesn't already know). You drew a boundary and when it was crossed you enforced it by leaving the house.
It hasn't been long that I was living with a person who acted much like your A acts. It brings back some pretty yucky memories, but also I remember I had to "practise" not engaging him when he wanted a fight. It took a few times, and once in a while, after doing well, I'd let him have it. My own frustration was too much for me to keep under control. It never felt good to "lose it", except as I lost it, and only for a few seconds.
They are so hard to live with. And you took care of yourself by leaving. You did great. It's all you can do in such circumstances dear.
Keep comin' back. He's a sick man. It's not your fault :) Kim
Please be careful and take care of you and that baby. I know that stress can cause miscarriages. I've had five. I hope things change for you because it is so not healthy to bring a child into that mess. His anger will not stop just because there is a baby. When my children were 18 months old and twin five months old I had to boot my alcoholic husband out. Even at that age they did not need to hear words like that and I didn't need it. Sad thing is they are 7,6,6 and he is still not in our house......but....I did protect my children and they do not hear fighting and argueing and they are not around alcoholism. I did my part as a mother because they came first. It was tough at times but I didn't let that stop my parenting skills. They all make great grades and are so kind. So please let me be your example that you can parent alone if that's what you chose to do. Just protect that child...born or unborn. God Bless love.
Thank you everyone. Right now, I'm so thankful that I have this site and super supportive friends.
Marion - You're right, I did get in a few shots which I'm not proud of now...but its so hard to remain calm when someone is pushing all your buttons...HOWEVER it was my choice to let it get to me. I know its the disease but sometimes its so hard to understand how I can admit my mistakes and where I messed up, but he can remain blissfully ignorant on how he contributes to our arguments. I have learned that for right now telling him that I messed up is a bad idea...he uses it as ammunition in our later fights....I should just recognize my bad "fighting habits" and make an effort to change them.
Tiger - I know what you mean...this is why the "crazy" thing really got to me...my first boyfriend was an A as well and he had me questioning my own sanity. I was really young and naive but it took me a long time to finally come to terms with this relationship after it ended. I swore that I would never question my sanity again...the AH knows a bit about this although I'm sure he wasn't exactly thinking about it so it hurt even more that he used this particular way to attack me.
Kim - thank you...when you've made mistakes it is nice to hear what was done right. I do feel really good about my decision to leave the house. Plus, another friend who have been super supportive has informed me that I am welcome to call her anytime and that her couch is open whenever I need it...It feels good to know I have people who really love me. It helps to put things in perspective when I start to play the "pity me" game in my head.
Friend - You are a very strong mother. I have a close friend whose A boyfriend killed himself one day shy of their baby's "one month old" day. He was also very close to me and I was young so I didn't see the situation clearly. Now as I find myself pregnant and my H is also an A I realize how strong she was and is...She is raising that little boy all on her own and I know that should it become necessary I can too. Mothers like you are an inspiration.
, but the bottom line is you distanced yourself from the upset.