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ok, so I am confused and spinning thoughts. I'll just vent and hope some one can make head or tails of this! I am frustrated so it's a type of anger about hope, trust and/or feeling like a fool.
alanon encourages work on yourself and learn all you can about alcoholism
so trying to be hopeful and/or concerned I read to learn more and figgure out how he can cut down safely. Learning all I can like this:
"Many alcoholics can function for a lengthy period of time because there are external controls in their lives,"
"The man has to go to work five days a week, and that is somewhat of a control on his drinking. In the evenings and on weekends and vacations, that external control is not present, so the drinking may be intensified. Take away the external control of a job, for instance, as when this man retires, and you can expect some bad times."
Great - that blasts hope and I feel foolish between, maybe he just is a problem drinker, that could be me slipping back to my own denial, or maybe this is just making him be craftier/ sneakier/ puts on good show and enables him to be even more in denial. So now I've tried to learn more and I feel like I've spent more time being fooled by him, fooling myself as it's easier to slip back into my own denial (but I remind myself so not there long), and more time all about him and his problem than trying to work on my own issues.
I think this learning more about this disease just gets me sidetracked into the swirl of emotions and confusion. Does anyone else have this trouble of having it suck them right back to all about the A when you try to learn more about the disease. I wanted to have hope and just work on myself but I've ended up hopeless, angry, scared of puts-ing along with this until retirement when all H--- will break loose for a functioning A who has external controls so he won't ever hit bottom and get help. aaarrrrggghhh!!
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hi ddub , it really dosent matter if he is alcoholic or not what matters as far as Our program is concerned is how it affects you when he does . We cannot change other people , he will have to figure out himself if he is an alcoholic. Al-Anon is for you and about you , I hope uwill find some f2f meetings and attend for a few months and see how your feeling then . 'There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself .
I have been where you're at, going in angry circles. It is exhausting. It just goes on and on and goes nowhere but back to how hopeless I felt. The future looked bleak, and I mean that. It WAS bleak. Unless one of us changed we were both going down together.
Alanon says that WE need to change. What that means for each individual is different, of course, but what's the same for all of us is to remove the focus from the alcoholic and put it where it belongs, on ourselves.
Learning about alcoholism might not be important for you right now. It's not that you aren't seeing what could happen, you are. But it is driving you nuts. You assume that you will be this passive passenger on the train while your A swirls down the tubes. But you might not even be there. You know? Who knows what will happen. You have choices coming out of your ears about what to do with your life. When you realize the A is not controlling your life, it's not all doom and gloom. You don't have to live like that, and it's entirely up to you :)
I know I've had the example of Alanoners who have moved into this more peaceful state, so I believed it could be that way for me too.
Remember we can do nothing about the past. I too feel like a fool, but I really didn't know, I was as sick as my A was. But the present and the future I CAN do something about. Get around the "old timers" in Alanon and find out from them how they "did it". It has helped me so much, and I'm still digging out from the relationship with my A.
Take it easy on yourself, OK? Breathe and tell yourself there is hope, that's what this is all about.
Here's where I have gotten stuck. For me it was not about understanding the disease, it was about understanding the things I did. I would listen to his promises and jump right back in rather than stepping back and watching what would happen. Actions speak louder than words but I wasn't listening to actions at all. Understanding the disease is different from understanding the addict because as I'm sure you know there is no logic to them. They do irrational illogical things and there's no making sense of it. I used to try to understand why, why does he do this to us? why doesn't he stop? why would he do things that make no sense and then one day it dawned on me. There is no answer to this question. It's an enigma and the more you search the more you get sucked in. I am the kind of person who likes order, logic, things making sense, doing the most with the least. When I go out I make sure that I go to all the places in the area I want to go rather than making 3 trips to the same area to go to 3 different places. It's logical. I know what you mean about the external control but for my A even that wasn't enough and the drugs/alcohol became #1 control. I have been stuck in this spot for years asking why, trying to make sense of nonsense but there just is NO answer. It is what it is and the only real question is are you willing to live with it like that or not? I decided I wasn't and my life is much happier now on my own. Each person has to decide this for themselves.
Well put carolinagirl. I have found myself approaching those thoughts as I move on from an alcoholic relationship. Those were the first questions I asked myself: why, what is happening, this doesn't make sense... Slowly it is dawning on me that there really is not answer. As was said, it is what it is. It is still hard trying to understand, knowing that there is no answer to those questions. Thanks for putting into words what I have been groping for!!
One of our pamphlets (3 Views of Alanon - the Letter from an Alcoholic -) says, "do learn as much as you can about alcoholism". (And I know people who take exception even to this, lol.)
When I first came to Alanon, it was important for me to learn as much as I could about the disease of Alcoholism (not, incidentally, about why my particular alcoholic did the things he did, which I think is a separate and perhaps, as others have said, unanswerable question). I read the AA Big Book - enormous help - and Pass It On, which helped me actually understand Alanon's own traditions. I looked up stuff online, and discovered that the alcoholic's body actually processes alcohol differently from the non-alcoholic's (look up tetrahydroisoquinolone, or THQ, if this interests you). And I heard an AA speaker, and this was AMAZING in helping me to "get" where the alcoholic was coming from.
Meanwhile I was going to my own meetings, and I was hearing, as you yourself suggest, that I needed to focus on myself. And finally I felt that I didn't need to gather more information about alcoholism; I had enough, and I was ready now to focus on myself.
I think what I'm saying is, it's all part of the journey of recovery. You're not doing anything wrong , and in fact I believe you're doing something right in noticing your motivation. Only you can decide what's right for you - maybe you are indeed ready to set aside the alcoholism study - at least for now! - you don't have to make a final decision for all time - , and move on.
, and in fact I believe you're doing something right in noticing your motivation. Only you can decide what's right for you - maybe you are indeed ready to set aside the alcoholism study - at least for now! - you don't have to make a final decision for all time - , and move on.