Are drunks al-anons also???????? - Al-Anon Family Group

Dale · Veteran Member

Are drunks al-anons also????????

mhgal · Senior Member

Hi Dale,

Good question, and I'm kind of new to Alanon, so I don't know the answer. I know that I am a recovering alcoholic as well. Just stopped drinking five or six years ago and am not in a program. Also have no desire to drink, but maybe I'm supposed to be in AA, too. What I do know is that Alanon is for people that are or have been affected by someone else's drinking, spouse, parent, child, friend, etc., and feel that their lives have become unmanageable because of it. It's the same principles and steps as AA. Sounds like you dad's drinking has definitely had an effect on your life, and on your current situation with your wife. With an alcoholic (or any addict, I imagine gambling is included), there are just things we're not supposed to talk about. And when you think about it, would all of the talking in the world do any good anyway?
Alanon is for people like us who have realized that we need serenity in our lives, regardless of what the alcoholic/addict is doing, whether that is drinking, using, gambling, whatever.
I suggest you keep coming to the board. Other people who post will probably be able to shed more light on what is 'allowed' and what is not, but as long as I've been posting, I've never seen anyone post "get out, you drunk" wink

This is a wonderful group to give you Experience, Strength, and Hope - you will find many people whose stories reflect your own. You will also find out that you are far from alone in what you are going through. Also, look for face to face meetings (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) in your area, and read the Alanon literature. It is invaluable in understanding the Alanon program.
In the meantime, my friend, whatever you decide to do, and I hope you continue to post and read the messages, I will keep you in my prayers. We're all in this together!
Take care,
Marion

cleothe2 · Member

(((((Dale)))))
If my husband had been capable of being honest, open, and loving, we would still be together.  Lots of people actually want and need that!!!!
Some alcoholics are al-anoners, some are not, and vice versa. I have no idea how many there are of each.
It is my belief that the strongest relationships have the most honesty - gentle, loving, thoughtful, humble, HP-directed honesty.
Fear is my constant companion - I can make it sit in the back seat most of the time, now, though. :)
Keep coming back. We all need each other.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Dale and thankyou for posting here, when I sit in alanon rooms it seems to me that most all of us in there, have got a problem with our self esteem, we struggle with thinking we're not good enough, I don't think it really matters how we got that way really, it's just a case of trying to overcome our fears, of rejection, I know I was supressed and not allowed to feel my feelings as a child growing up in an alchoholic home, I too struggle with setting boundaries, frightened I guess to rock the boat, but when I am feeling strong, which I can do sometimes, the feeling of well, my whole world didn't fall down because I said no, is a pretty good feeling,
I have just come to the conclusion that I have to reprogramme myself somehow, that by not saying how I feel inside it is not honesty, by doing things which I only do because of fear is dishonest and makes me feel bad inside, so thats what I'm working on.

regards
Katy
x

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dale

Welcome to MIP Al-Anon.

There are lots and lots of "double winners" out there, (and in here too!) smile

.
Someone who attends both programs. Sounds like you qualify for Al-anon to me as well!

I am not an alcoholic, however I have attended open AA meetings and have read the Big Book of AA and been to Big Book study groups.

I can tell you for me, that I find inside myself so many of the same issues that the Alcoholics have in their lives too, I just don't have the drinking problem. Mine is more of a thinking problem.

For me the two programs are very, very similiar yet each has their own slightly different focus in the beginning. AA to stop drinking. Al-anon to stop obsessing over the drinkers! Both offer me invaluable opportunities to learn more about who I am, why I am and give me tools to become who I think I am supposed to be. And both, have the same goal which for me at least, meet after a time in either of the programs, learning to live our lives Happy, Joyous and Free.

Again, welcome and keep coming back!

Yours in Recovery,
David

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Dale! I loved reading your post, it was heartfelt and honest. In Alanon we say we are just as sick -- even more sick -- than the alcoholic. Whether it was the chicken or the egg that came first, who knows, but here we are learning how to live honestly, kindly, and with joy.

I am just beginning to see my experience with my addict/alcoholic as a positive turning point in my life (((((gulp))))). It's not been very long since we split up, and I am barely getting to a more positive, workable space. All thanks to this program and these incredible people.

Don't forget that as a rule, we Alanoners are here because we love drunks :D . There are particular viewpoints that alcoholics going to Alanon will give me that are valuable, so we want ya here to share the journey too. Glad you came by, and I hope to see you here again soon. Kim

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know several recovering alcoholics (the parent of my A) who could seriously benefit from alanon if they would just work the program! I know for her she feels guilty and responsible for the way her sons turned out because she was an A which leads her to enabling and rescuing roles. I think alanon is for anyone who has a problem with another person that begins to consume them. Gambling, drinking, addiction, I'm sure there are tons of others.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Dale and welcome , do alcoholics have same problems as Al-Anons ??? you betcha . We call them double winners in my area , dual programs .
Al-Anon is about us and how we choose to live our lives ( attitude) in other words for me it is a program for living . I have all the isms of alcoholics but don't drink soooooo.
Do you have time to add at least one Al-Anon meeting to your week I have many AA friends who are also in our program . The only thing u may have problems with is not talking about is your alcoholism , when in a meeting leave your AA program outside the door.
Goodluck Louise

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Dale- Welcome!

Try reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie. It is a wonderful book that really explains what you are feeling. Melody is a recovering A and also codependent.

Keep coming back.

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm in al-anon to try and understand the alcohoic mindset. I do not suffer from low self esteem so I would have to disagree with Katy. I question his actions alot and learn how to take care of me the best way I can. I am learning to let go and let God.
See, I learned something new from your post, Thank you. I did not know they were called double winners. You just never know what you're going to learn here and I've been here for years. lol
Keep coming back and feel free to ask questions. We also have chats too that you can join and also meetings. Glad you found us. ^i^

Dale · Veteran Member

Thank you so much for the positive feedback and the welcome that you have given me. Who knew when I started this that it would turn out to be more than just not drinking???????

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dale: I lived with an alcoholic for more than 7 years. I have to say he was and still can be far more of a people pleaser than I am. I have really worked pretty hard on that issue for 7 years now it has been a revelation. The Alcohlic who I lived with can also get totally stuck in victim, rescuer, rager those are all roles that I play a lot too. In fact lately since I got some separation and better detachment I can see how often I can still be totally tuck in victim role.

maresie.

lilac1 · Member

Yep Dale some alcoholics sure are alanons ......... you sound like one of em - in fact i think all alcoholics must be alanons because if someones drinking is affecting your life then alanon could be for you........ i feel sure that all alcoholics know another alcoholic whos drinking affects or has affected their life in one way or another, thats just my theory and im sticking to it lol welcome to alanon glad you are here :)

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

If your in an AA program, how often do you hear that there was a problem with alochol by older relatives during childhood ? In the open meetings I've been to, often. You hear the same thing with many Alanon's who grew up in Alcoholic homes.

I'm not sure about my dad, he used to drink a decent amout of beer but then stopped. My mom would hardly ever drink because when she did she'd lose control quick. But I know that alcoholism affected my mom growing up...and seeing the dysfunctions in my family/household of origin I might have well grown up in an alcoholic home.

My wife only recently discovered that she could qualify for Alanon because of the drinking of her parents and her twin sister (who is in more of a program of religion and it worked for her).

I find that I can relate so often to AA meetings and literature because many of the character defects that get us where we are are similiar.

Also, there was an Alanon meeting I went to once where someone was there fresh out of rehab. He was an AA'er who slipped after over 20 years sober. Rehab told him his AA program was strong but that his relapse was largely triggered by him dealing with those around him in his family that still drank. Imagine that, someone needed Alanon in addition to their AA to stay sober ? That really stuck me.

One other thing I've noticed. There is a saying that one 12 step program is often the backdoor into another. There are AAs who discover they affected by anothers drinking and get into Alanon as well, especially after sobriety. There are Alanons who once they start working on themselves, come to find they have a problem with A, drugs, food, shopping, etc and get into a 12 step program to work on that aspect of their life.

Keep coming back and welcome !
Bob

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